It has been my experiences both personal and professional that people either active in addiction or a recovery, need help in two key areas of life. These are dealing with feelings or emotions, and dealing with relationships. If you would like to test yourself out and see some dysfunctional, but possibly all too familiar rules for relationships, read on and see how many of the ten demandments ring true for you. Here are ten rules to insure unhappiness in any relationship:
The Ten Demandments
1. Thou shalt make me happy
2. Doubt shalt not have any other interests other than me
3. Thou shalt know what I want and what I feel without having me to say
4. Thou shalt return each one of my sacrifices with an equal or greater sacrifice
5. Thou shalt shield me from anxiety, worry, hurt, or any pain
6. Thou shalt give me my sense of self-worth and esteem
7. Thou shalt be grateful for everything I do
8. Thou shalt not be critical of me, show anger toward me, or otherwise disapprove of anything I do
9. Thou shalt so caring and loving that I need never take risks or be vulnerable in any way
10. Thou shalt love me with the whole heart, the whole soul, in the whole mind, even if I do not love myself
Not only are these rules for a dysfunctional relationship but more than a few hint at unhealthy codependence. More on that another time.
Attributed to Richard H. Lucas. Ph.D, Houston TX
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5 responses so far ↓
1 Ashley Christensen // Nov 14, 2007 at
I am a recovering addict and have been the queen of dysfunctional everything for as long as i can remember and now i know why. I’m gald there are people out there smarter than me that can identifiy these flaws of character. That helps alot. Thank you to whoever wrote this.
2 Bill Urell // Nov 15, 2007 at
I can’t claim to be the author, but thank you. If you use the search button on the site you will find several articles on dysfunction, and better yet tips to help
Bill
3 Billie // Dec 11, 2007 at
I just want to say that this is helping me. My situation is very unique, because the man that I had the dysfunctional relationship with passed away about a month ago.
I am just now realizing how unhealthy what we had was. I was so dependent on him to make me feel bad (and yes, that’s exactly what it was) that I tried to make myself feel responsible some how for his death.
A friend of my jarred me out of the pits of my personal hell that I was creating for myself, and through a very difficult conversation, helped me START coming to terms with things.
4 Brittany // Jan 20, 2008 at
I had a pretty traumatic childhood, and in my adulthood I have been doing so well, except for in ONE area….and that is men. I am only 22, but I have had several addictive and unhealthy relationships. It has been so frustrating, and I want so bad to get over it, and finally I am starting to really and truly try this time to get better. I just got out of a really intense, abusive, and addictive relationship, and it was so incredibly bad that I finally had a wake-up call and realized I HAVE TO STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. So I broke it off with the guy, but it has been so hard on me. I miss him so much. I still call him often, and I have a craving to be with him even though I know its not good for me. I feel so lonely and sad now, and this has been a really emotional time. But I know I will make it through. This site has really helped me understand what it is that I need to do to overcome this, so thank you!
5 Bill Urell // Jan 20, 2008 at
there are 2 great books I would suggest:
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth (Paperback)
by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse
The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults
by Janet G. Woititz
Go to http://www.half.com and you can pick them up for a couple of dollars. A lot of people who choose less than ideal partners had great difficulty getting their needs met as kids, primarily the need to love and be loved. Those of us brought up in ‘dysfunctional’ families learn dysfunctional rules and ways to meet our needs.
Bill
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