Addiction Recovery Basics

To a large degree the symptoms of codependency are about extremes. People who exhibit codependencies often did not seem to have a moderator, they go full speed ahead, or dead stop. We will discuss five essential symptoms codependent behavior. I first learned of this view of codependence from Pia Mellody in her book Facing Codependence. These 5 symptoms are:

1. Difficulty having appropriate levels of self-esteem.

People in dysfunctional relationships such as dependence have troubles with either very low self-esteem or very high self-esteem. High self-esteem manifests itself through arrogance and a belief that I am superior to everyone else. Low self-esteem comes from the belief that you have less worth than other people your feelings and beliefs don't count. In either case self-esteem is taught within the family of origin. A newborn baby has neither high self-esteem nor low self-esteem; these attitudes are developed in growing up, usually from modeling family behavior.

2. Inability to set realistic, functioning, boundaries.

Boundaries are something that are taught during childhood. If we came from dysfunctional families or families with poor boundaries it is likely that we will have not have learned to set the boundaries ourselves. Boundaries serve a number of purposes, they can offer protection from other people, from ourselves, and they can define who we are in the world. People with poor boundaries on one extreme confine themselves enmeshed with another person to the point where they're not taking care of their own needs. These people tend to generate self-esteem from how the important they are in taking care of another. People with the rigid and inflexible boundaries tend to live in isolation behind walls. People with no boundaries, tend to be taken advantage of and victimized.

3. Difficulty knowing who you are.

Co-dependents have difficulty seeing themselves as they really are, both physically and mentally. They often have poor or skewed body image problems. They often have altered interpretations of thoughts and their ability to share them. They often have difficulty identifying, owning, and regulating emotions. Another aspect of this is not knowing of who you really are, living in a fantasy, or making up an alter ego.

4. Having trouble defining needs and wants and meeting them.

It is common for someone to get their wants and needs confused. A codependent person is sometimes able to acknowledge thier needs and wants but they try to meet them by themselves without any help. They may also be aware of needs and wants, and expect people to fill them without having to help themselves. Another area of difficulty is to have needs a wants and simply not be aware of some, thus taking no action to fill them.

5. Difficulty in expressing ourselves moderately and knowing what “normal” is.

A codependent person just doesn't seem to understand what moderation is. They swing like a pendulum from extreme to extreme, ecstatic or miserable, completely indifferent or completely involved. It seems they do not understand when enough is enough; this is possibly the most outwardly visible sign of co-dependants. Often people have difficulty in understanding what 'normal’ is because they never had ‘normal’ modeled for them when there were growing up. Growing up in a dysfunctional home one learns how to be dysfunctional. If emotions were not shown, we learn frozen at emotions. If there were no boundaries or restraints, we learned no boundaries or restraints.

In general, exposure to dysfunctional family upbringing, whether alcohol and drugs were used, the physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, were present can produce children who will eventually develop into codependent adults. This is really simplifying codependence, but I hope it gets the general picture across.

More Resources:

Helping Heal Your Relationships

There is hope that recovering codependents can have healthy fulfilling relationships. Once you accept your codependency and start work on your own life and yourself, you can begin building or rebuilding relationships with others. …

Codependency from Both Sides of the Fence

I never thought I had codependency issues, until my own son was having trouble and I was obsessed trying to help solve HIS problems. Obsessed, in that I could not stop thinking, worrying or talking about him. …

You Can Always Tell A Codependent

In 10 years of continuous sobriety I've met few recovering alcoholics who weren't, to some degree or another, also recovering codependents. Especially people who are also Adult Children of Alcoholics (boy, does it come with that …

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