I was once involved in an addictive relationship, which is not surprising because I have all sorts of addictions. This woman was the love of my life, I knew it from the first time I saw her. That should been a hint of trouble to come, after a year of very little ecstasy and a great deal of agony I came to learn something about myself and addictive relationships, I have to be very careful.
As I learned and studied to work with people in an addictive relationship, it became apparent that true understanding comes with going through one and coming out with my head intact. Here are some quick check points you may want to consider in evaluating your relationship and whether it is addictive or not.
1. Addictive relationships are not usually balanced 50/50.
Most of the time one person is either doing all the giving or all the receiving, one party is working way too hard.
2. One the key factors of addictive relationship is the demand for immediate or instant gratification. Everything has to be done very quickly and in the present moment. This is a common trait in drug addicts and alcoholics also.
3. A dysfunctional relationship usually involves a great deal of control, obsession, and fixation on your partner. There is a tendency to 'make them change' or an idea that I will 'fix' them.
4. There tends to be a great deal of dishonesty about the relationship, either in trying to hide certain aspects of yourself you did not want your partner to find out, or presenting all false front to cover up who you really are.
5. The last thing I would mention in this quick checklist is the highs and lows. The few times that high emotional moments occur in the relationship they seem like mountains of ecstasy, but one disagreement or low occurs and it feels the bottom has dropped out and you are falling. The lows last longer and deeper than the highs ever could. This is reminiscent of chasing the dragon when it comes to drug and alcohol abuse use it can never be as good as it once was.
Perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned in how to evaluate my relationships is that relationships with people are temporary. To try to hold on to them for ever is almost a self-defeating, perfectionist it behavior. I believe there are meant to be enjoyed in the present thought of fondly in the past, and with hope for the future. But the balance is more like 10% past, 80% present and 10% future.
It took a lot pain to learn how to handle an addictive relationship or dysfunctional relationship with the old saying goes we learn more from our mistakes than we do our moments of victory. I hope those quick tips can help you take a look you relationship and where the may be holding on to addictive relationship.
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2 responses so far ↓
1 cal // Feb 21, 2008 at
Thanks, Bill! Very concise, good points and great quality sound!
2 xiflada // Apr 20, 2008 at
It's funny how we always associate addiction to drugs or alcohol. We never really consider that it is sometimes the people in our lives that make our lives addicting. It so sad that not only do we have to watch the substances we put in our body, but also the people we put in our hearts.
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