Are You Enabling Addiction In The One You Love? The Role of Enabler. +Podcast

August 7th, 2007 · 9 Comments

Unfortunately, many times, a loved one actually is enabling addiction…

through their well intentioned desire to help the addict or alcoholic. How does this occur? Consider the role of the addict; their intention is to continue the using behavior at all costs. What better way to continue the addiction than to enlist someone to ‘help’ him. Without the enabler the addict would have to start facing consequences of his actions, and that might interfere with use continued use. The well intentioned enabler, out of love for the addict will ‘protect’ him.

I watched an episode of the TV show “Intervention” where a mother gave her son, living at home, in his mid twenties money for Heroin, drove him downtown to buy the drugs and back home so he could use ’safely’. She was afraid he might have uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms or get hurt in a dangerous part of town. That was one of the more dramatic examples of addiction enabling I have seen. Are you lying, making excuses, and creating alibis for your loved one? These are signs that you may have crossed the line from helping into enabling addiction.

Enabling behavior usually starts out very slowly and gradually with trying to smooth things out with others. There is a desire to keep family secrets or not rock the boat. Part of enabling, just like active addiction, is denial. In the beginning the enabler will make all sorts of rationalizations and try to minimize the problem; ignore it and hope it goes away. This does not happen.

The vicious cycle of enabling and addiction works something like this. The chemically dependent person is being shielded from the negative consequences of their use. Since these consequences are not hitting home, they can continue to use, or increase their use even more. This means the enabler gets drawn even deeper into the web by having to deal with ever increasing chaos. The increasing chaos in the home can be just the excuse the dependent person needs to keep on using.

Where and how does the madness end? For the enabler, though there may be fear and shame about the situation, it usually ends in anger. The enabler typically tries to hold things together and keeps the mounting frustration and anger bottled up…until one day the explosion occurs. They opt out of continuing the excuses. A more commonly recommended solution is ‘detaching with love’. This type of detachment will be dealt with in a future article.

Paradoxically at this point, with the rug pulled out from him the user may encounter the crisis that will be motivation to seek treatment. Pain is not pleasant, but it is a wonderful motivator. People who seek addiction treatment usually come from one of two camps. 1. They simply get sick and tired of being sick and tired. They get worn out. More commonly is the second option: 2. A crisis occurs that hits them with the force of a 2 x 4 in the side of the head.

Being protected from crisis may simply be doing nothing more than preventing engagement in addiction treatment and delaying the entry into addiction recovery.

9 responses so far ↓

1 Lashawn Braswell // Oct 9, 2007 at

This article is me. Except Im beyond Angry. I dont even love the addict in my life any more. Yet I cant figure out why I dont want to have him removed from my home. Yes, I want him to go. However, I dont want to involve the police. This is insane. I guess I am still protecting him. I just want this all to go away quietly. 20 years of dealing with an individual that has stole, lied, cheated, physically, emotionally,Financially abused me. I am an intelligent human being. With a great job. Beautiful children. I have decided to just pack my things and move to another state and start over. I dont love him. I just feel sorry for him. Yet Im angry at times I want to hurt him. Are these normal feelings.
2 jc // Jan 11, 2008 at

are you kidding….I feel the same way and I am in the same situation. I have begged him to leave and he wont. I dont have a career but i do have some inheritance and life here is like a rollocoater with a dry drunk never knowing if sober means 2 days or 4 days or 7 days and the make you crazy
talk that never is truthful or real but their crazy brain me me me………….
Yes you are normal.
How can we truly love someone that hurts us . I did read an enabling report. He probably will quit if you let him hit rock bottom by leaving and show him it is over and there is no more chances because us being there always when they come home no matter what…….is helping them and we know they are taking advantage. That is why we stop feeling,because they did except when it was convenient or for theirselves.
3 Sue // Feb 9, 2008 at

Well in my case he left…and I wish he didn’t! Now I am scared to death and I don’t know what to do. He is not in a good place… He is disabled .. actually in a wheelchair .. and out of his mind.. I know for me it’s the best thing so I may be able to resume some sort of life… but I just pray he lives and gets help.
4 xiflada // Apr 26, 2008 at

That mom in the Intervention show is crazy. Although I guess at one point or another I too played the enabler role with my dad. I would just call his work and tell him he was sick instead of telling him he was really out drinking at some bar. Then when I started working he would ask for cash and I couldn’t say no even though I knew what he wanted it for. I stopped as I got older, now he knows if he wants to see me he needs to be booze free. But that back fires on me sometimes because I don’t get to see him now.
5 Xiflada // Apr 29, 2008 at

I was in a similar situation, my significant other was an a alcoholic and I felt like his life would be over if I left him. In fact it almost did end when I finally got the courage to leave. I was very unhappy but for some reason I felt like I HAD to stay with him. But I needed to look out for me and I had to stop worrying about his life and start worrying about mine. He isn’t doing too good but I don’t blame myself anymore and now I can actually sleep at night.
6 I too have had somewhat the same expierence.I care about my girlfriend but yet the situation seems to be getting worse. I have been with her for three years . she has a husband and a child well three children and when i met her i was not aware of the sit // Sep 30, 2008 at

please give me advice I am lost
7 Bill Urell // Sep 30, 2008 at

I stronglt recomend getting some professional help for yourself. Sometimes you can be too close to the problem and over time become so involved it is difficult to visualize change.

A professional opinion from outside the relationship can really help.

Bill
8 tomandrew // Oct 4, 2008 at

It is so dangerous when you are with her for 3 years. But you say that you were never aware of all such information. Very bad from your part. As said, only professional help could help you. You will get a sense of satisfaction when you approach them whether they do any good or not. But you will have the relaxation.
9 sanju123 // Oct 4, 2008 at

It is a harsh reality but it is true. It happened with me also, addiction is like this only. My husband used to smoke, he used to like it when I used to light a drag for him. Slowly I starting inhaling, there started the problem, I became a regular smoker.I used to cross all limits to acquire cigarette packs. I thank my stars now I am over with smoking.But there is little addiction for alcohol also for that we both are culprits. We love to sit and chat over a drink or two.It all started for fun but now is a regular feature now, we both are worried about this addiction.

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