Do you have any of these common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics? Reading these article will provide some answers.
Children growing up in a family where alcoholism is present learn survival skills. Unfortunately these solutions don’t work well as adults.
Alcohol use within the family affects all members, not just the alcoholic. Children growing up in this environment have a particularly difficult time.
Modeling is the most powerful form of education and they grow up seeing, and being taught, dysfunctional behavior. They see and learn methods of survival that may work for a child, but are then carried forward into adulthood where they are dysfunctional.
Here are 5 common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics:
1. They feel they must be in control of behavior and feelings at all times. This desire to control may be an overreaction to growing up in chaos where active alcoholism is present. This tendency to want to be in control at all times is grounded in fear. If all aspects of their life cannot be controlled, it will automatically get worse.
2. ACOA’s struggle with intimate relationships. Being intimate requires releasing some control and being vulnerable. This is difficult. Love is often expressed as rescuing people or trying to fix others problems, rather than being a partner. A survival skill growing up may have been the need to hide feelings and not express them for fear of consequences.
3. Perfectionism, heightened sense of responsibility. Children in alcoholic families learned that if they were ‘perfect’ they might get positive attention. In many cases whatever they did was not enough. Self-esteem comes from how they are viewed by others. They can be extremely self-critical, never attaining the ideal of how good they ‘should’ be.
4. A tendency toward compulsive behaviors. Being a child of an alcoholic increases the likelihood the child will become addicted to alcohol. It is also noted however, a tendency toward other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, disordered eating or addictive relationships.
5. Abandonment fears. I believe this stems from the learned uncertainty in childhood of not knowing what was coming next, a hug or a slap. Adult children often believe that any relationship, no matter how bad or abusive, is better than none at all. Often they will do anything to hang on.
There are many more identifiable symptoms and signs characteristic of ACOA‘s. Here us some supplemental reading from around the web:
Comment on adult children of alcoholics by CP – So having an alcoholic parent, puts you at greater risk. My mother was an alcoholic and having subsequently suffered my own addictions, I know that the trauma of watching her fight her alcoholism in my early years, played a big part in …
Adult Children Of Alcoholics – One of the best recovery tools for me at a time when I didn’t even know what AA or addiction was all about was an “Adult Children Of Alcoholics” support group I attended weekly for nine months. It was the single most important part of …
The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children – Woititz book “Adult Children of Alcoholics”. It has given me the knowledge to better understand the person I see in the mirror. At times, the book left me feeling emotionally drained. Please make an effort to completely read her book. …
Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics – World Service Org. – Sharing equally with others in the society of ACOA means never to be alone anymore. No bosses. No rules, No dues or fees, yet self-supporting. Just sharing, one day at a time with others healing in unconditional love. …
Crazymaking, Social Proof and Restoration to Rationality – Anonymous: Adult Children of Alcoholics: Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families, Torrance, CA: ACA World Service Office, 2006. Anonymous: Co-Dependents Anonymous, Phoenix, AZ: Co-Dependents Anonymous, 1995. Bandura, A.: Self-Efficacy: The …
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
It is major issue of alcoholism. This problem is increasing day by day, not only India but also globally.
Jimmy
arizona drug rehab
Hi,
The initiative taken for the concern is very serious and needs an attention of everyone. This is the concern which exists in the society and needs to be eliminated from the society as soon as possible.
Jim
arizona drug rehab
I think this article is good…a lot of people think about the alcoholics…but a lot of people don’t really take into consideration on how children who grow up in that atmosphere handle the real world. I think that this list is very accurate. My friend is a ACOA…and she has such a hard time trusting anyone and she ALWAYS had to be perfect in every way shape and form.
That feeling of having to be in control at all times can be so tough. I grew up with a very co-dependent mother and always felt like I needed to be perfect and in control at all times. The downfall to this was that I was not able to express my feelings and emotions very well. I never realized I had these problems until I was in my late 30′s. It actually took some counseling to overcome and I still have to work on it to this day.
.-= Tina´s last blog ..Lightning McQueen Ride On Toys For Children =-.
This looks like the same kind of list of traits you’d find for kids (or adults) with Reactive Attachment Disorder. It goes to show how disruptions in a childs nurture/environment at a young age can cause long-lasting damage.
Matt@Positive Parenting Skills´s last [type] ..Child Behavior Problems
hello, super article! hope you don’t mind but i’ve posted a link to this in the ‘favourite pages’ page on my blog as i think my readers will like this.
all the best
Autism´s last [type] ..1
So this is starting to make sense to me now. My cousin is the son of an alcoholic. There were a couple of times in the past year to year and a half where I’ve had to criticize him for certain things that I considered were minor issues – one of them was snow shovelling. He came over to my house last January (2011) after a particularly heavy snow fall and immediately started shovelling the snow for me, although I never asked him to do this. He immediately started screaming at me and told me that I was ungrateful for his help and if I didn’t like his help, I should go back into the basement of my house and don’t speak to him anymore. I was so stunned by this that I didn’t know how to respond. I’ve been trying to learn about alcoholism and children of alcoholics ever since and this is one of the first websites that has helped me make sense of his reaction.
For NANCY,
You wrote that your cousin, is the son of an alcoholic. That would mean one of his parents is a sibling to one of your parents. That would mean one of his parents is your aunt or uncle. It just seems to me, you distanced yourself from your relationship to the alcoholic. Why didn’t you just say the truth? Obviously you and your parents are also related to the alcoholic. Seems like you distanced yourself intentionally, almost as if you are only related to your cousin.
I was floored when I read what you wrote: “There were a couple of times in the past year to year and a half where I’ve had to criticize him for certain things that I considered were minor issues – one of them was snow shovelling.”
Why do you feel the need to criticize your cousin for things you feel are minor issues? Think about it? There is a reason you do this, and likely you are aware that most people find it offensive for others to critcize them.
Just so you know, anyone who would come over to shovel the snow from your walks deserves a big “Thank you,” or “I appreciate your help.” You however, found it your job to criticize.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic. Most of us ACA’s, are sensitive, have low self-esteem. Few of us prey on other’s emotionally. One of our sicknesses is pleasing people, looking for approval. With that said, it sounds as if you were not brought up by an alcoholic as your cousin was.
Ask yourself what it is about your own upbringing, that compels you to criticize people? Is this a need for you to feel superior possibly? You see, you also need to take a look at your life, as there are many people who are sick as we are, but there sickness shows itself in the opposite forms (aggression, negativity, criticizing others, etc.). I hope you will take a look, and admit to yourself, you criticize those who you know are weak, in an attempt to make yourself feel superior.
Kicking people emotionally who are already down, is not something a happy, healthy or well minded person would do. It’s aggression in a finely tuned form, with the intent to inflict emotional pain.
Take a look in the mirror. I am sure someone like yourelf could follow you around all day and easily criticize the things you do. Next time, consider thanking your cousin for helping you, and offer a cup of hot cocoa instead of playing amateur psychologist, which allows you to justify your cruel behavior.