This article on bad relationships by Margaret Paul is one of the best I have found. In my opinion, there are 2 things people active in their addiction or entering early addiction recovery need help with are: feelings and emotions, and relationships.Many people in early recovery seek marriage relationship advice .
5 Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them
By Margaret Paul PhD.
As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.
Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
RESISTANCE
Many people enter relationships with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
NEEDINESS
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS
Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.
EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE
Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS
All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.
A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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This is a great article. I think that this comment is completely true…. ” All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.”
One of my girlfriend’s marriage broke up because of her feeling on inadequacy. Since her divorce, she’s been working on “herself” and not worry about others and how others view her. It’s amazing how any one of these factors can be detrimental to any relationship.
Wonderful! Extremely useful information you got there.
I must add insecurity and lack of trust are two major relationship killers.
Well-organized post and highly recommended.
It is off-course, very painful to have a bad relationship or a breakup with your loved one. Psychology tells us that the two reasons behind a bad relationship is fear and expecting more from one another. You might know that fear comes in a relationship only when you love and care for the person you love more than you care about yourself . In this way you want to take each step for your loved one. To eliminate fear in your relationship and to establish a good relation, it is necessary to share all information about yourself with your loved one and to take his/her confidence before taking a step that can affect your relationship.
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Wow… I was confounded by the information you got posted in here. Seriously, people need to read this. I will recommend this to my friends.
All great tips. Clearly you’ve dealt with the issues that arise from not following these rules. I’m sure most of us have gone through this. Great advice.
Trust requires both partners to believe that the other will still love them, even when they make mistakes. They are able to be truthful about being at fault, and they can be vulnerable in front of each other. If you find yourself lying to cover when you make a mistake, or if you are afraid of your mate seeing you looking less than perfect, you are not being your true, honest self. When you reach the point that you are accusing each other of hiding something, whether it be about love, money or who forgot to feed the dog, then you need to ask yourself why you really don’t trust your partner.
Lies destroy a crucial component of any relationship: trust. Once you catch a whiff of duplicity in the air, look out! Sure, it could be an isolated incident or a half-truth that might be forgiven and forgotten, but often it’s a sign of trouble. A person’s need to lie is a telling clue about his character and emotional health. It may indicate serious insecurity, lack of integrity, or flimsy moral standards. And if dishonesty shows up while dating, it’s likely to only get worse during marriage. Here’s a sobering fact of life: If your partner is willing to lie to you once, he or she is likely to do it again.
I think women stay in bad relationships because they are afraid of the unknown. Thgey think that the next guy they date could be much worse than the guy they got. So they stay in those bad relationships longer than they should.
mines the worst of all. . .
i gave him my trust and all of my heart, he lies to me aand screams at me of couse i realy love him is he my 1st true love/
Yes, i agree with this. Controlling behavior breaks relationship. It is a kind of witchcraft-manipulating spirit hovering in your heart. Neediness is one, I believe. But in relationship, you have to show that your partner is an important person to you so that both needs will be cater and the emptiness inside will vanish away.
Communication is always an important part in relationship. Without communication, relationship will die. All living things on earth needs communication. Communication gives LIFE, builds HOPE and elevate TRUST.