This concept of healthy relationships is clear, quick, and easily understood. Though the relationship concepts are simple they say so much.

Here You Go:

1. I can be me.
2. You can be you
3. We can be us.
4. I can grow.
5. You can grow.
6. We can grow together.

These steps are from The Struggle For Intimacy by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. She is a pioneer in the fields of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependency.

My mother said “I am so glad you’re alive, and you are not welcome in my home or in my life until you are living a life of recovery. If I never see you will live again, I want to you know how much will be missed. And she closed the door on me”.

I have worked with many chemically dependent people and their families. It is sad, but somwtimes the best advice I can give families is to start taking care of themselves and let the substance abuser go.

This film clip illustrates how a mother and daughter went through this process illustrating a solution to codependency and came out the other side.

Overcoming Drug and Alcohol Addiction – Curry and Wandzilak

Complete video at: http://fora.tv/fora/showthread.php?t=995 Co-authors Constance Curry and Kristina Wandzilak discuss the struggles with drug and alcohol addiction at the heart of their book, “The Lost Years: Surviving a Mother and Daughter’s Worst Nightmare.” —– Constance Curry and Kristina Wandzilak talk about “The Lost Years: Surviving a Mother and Daughter’s Worst Nightmare.” This riveting memoir of survival and transformation reveals the true story of a daughter’s decline into alcohol and drug addiction, prostitution and homelessness, and her mother’s efforts to rescue her.

- Book Passage Kristina Wandzilak is the Executive director of Full Circle Intervention, a nationally recognized presenter and author. She has worked in the chemical dependency field since 1994. Kristina has been specializing in intervention since 1998 and opened the doors of Full Circle Intervention, with the vision of bringing respectful intervention to families who are in crisis with addiction. Constance Curry has been in co-dependency recovery for many years. She has studied and tried to understand the disorder that took over her life and the lives of those she loved most. She has been on various educational speaker panels for practicing therapists and teachers talking on the intricate subject of addiction and family recovery.

I discovered this follow up to the very well written article on codependency previously published by the same author. Recovering from codependency is a journey best undertaken with a therapist or counselor and the aid of support groups. It is not uncommon to have family counseling also as there are usually dysfunctional relationships involved. A concept called ‘detaching with love’ is a keystone of codependency recovery and is an entire subject on its own. We hope you enjoy this follow up article.   Bill Urell, Editor

Healing codependency does not mean curing codependency. Healing codependency is a process. Healing always begins with recognizing the problem. Knowledge is power and that is true when we talk about Healing Codependency.

Let us begin the journey in understanding the process of

Healing Codependency. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I codependent?
2. What does this mean?
3. What codependent behaviors do I have? What is it costing me?

These are essential questions as one begins the journey of healing and questions that need explored. I suggest you begin a journal and start recording your responses to these questions, allowing it to be your touchstone.

In addition to the journal, a group setting in the form of support groups facilitates the healing process. The community you live in may have some Codependency Support Groups. If not, perhaps try to find the name of a psychotherapist who specializes in addictions and has an understanding of codependency. I have found Al Anon groups to be effective if there is not a Codependency Support Group.

Developing an understanding of the roots of your codependency can provide a foundation for your healing. Many codependents are adult children of alcoholics/addicts and come from dysfunctional families. The journey of healing is about family of origin work as you discover the role and, the rules you were given and general dynamics from your first family. Most adult children from dysfunctional families remain in those roles, abide by those rules and, struggle with dynamics that are similar to those learned in their family of origins, repeating patterns with their significant other and their children today. However, please keep in mind that as wonderful as insight can be, insight alone will not heal your pain nor provide you the healing necessary for changing codependent behaviors and patterns.
Learning emotional detachment will assist you in early recovery and be a mainstay throughout your recovery program. Detaching is about learning to balance self in relationship with others. It is the beginning of boundary work, which you will hear much about at support groups and in your recommended readings. Detaching allows your emotional reactivity to lower and an emotional space to open, creating the opportunity for less dependency in relationships. It will be in this new space that one can begin to develop a sense of who am I? Needs, wants, and feelings can begin to be identified and communicated as you move toward less codependent relationships.

Communication skills, self-esteem building and improving how you manage stress will also be areas that will need addressed in your codependency recovery. These tools will assist in regaining ones own sense of self that was lost in codependent relationships. Recovery is about regaining your personal power that was lost in the dynamics of codependent relationships. It is about feeling empowered to live ones life without the need of approval, the fear of abandonment, of being preoccupied with pleasing others, about caring too much, and in general overfunctioning in relationships. Recovery is claiming back self.

Linda M. Smith, PhD, LMFT
See former article on Codependency

Codependency or codependent behavior is often found in relationships involving an active alcoholic or addict. The pairing of a chemically dependent person with a codependent person leads to a self-reinforcing dysfunctional relationship that progressively gets worse. A chemically dependent person wants to continue to use. What better way to do this than to pair up with one who will do so in the extreme? Though not exactly the same a codpendent person can become an enabler in the continuance of chemical dependency in the relationship.The following article by Linda Smith is one of the best introductory articles on codependency I have seen.   Bill Urell, Editor

What is codependency I am often asked. After years of being asked this question, I now simply reply,

In addition, I further add, anything that contributes to your loss of self is codependency.” It is as simple as that!Many years ago at one of my first lectures on codependency, I heard a well-known speaker say, Codependency kills. I sat in the audience and thought, what is she talking about, of course it cant kill you, how can you die from codependency? However, over the last several years, I have come to believe that statement Codependency kills and, everyday I believe it more.Loss of self occurs when I need your approval and lose the opportunity to think my thoughts and to feel my feelings. I start to live the external life instead of the internal life. I become outer-directed and not inner-directed and over time the space inside becomes less and less. I feel less than and my self-esteem is diminished. I look to you to define me, to direct me, to approve of me, to fix me and, lose more and more of me until I feel empty. What develops is the false self and that is codependency. When I focus on getting your approval, I lose approval of self, which is the power that self-esteem gives me. In losing my power, I lose me. I lose my voice. I lose me.Loss of self occurs when I am focused on fixing, helping, understanding, caretaking you and not on caring about me. For me to not lose self I need to care about you not for you. My job is to care about me. I need to feel with you not for you. You are responsible for feeling your own feelings not me. I need to be responsible to you as my parent, spouse, child, or friend, not be responsible for you. I am responsible for me and to you and, you are responsible for you and to me. If we can do this in relationship than both of us have the opportunity to mature and to develop a sense of self.

Loss of self occurs when I say no when I mean, yes and when I say, yes when I mean no. Of course, this sounds confusing and the codependent often does feel confused, indecisive, and rattled. One can understand why! It is a lifetime of guessing what somebody else needs and wants and over time, the codependent forgets who he or she is. The sense of self is not developed. The individual does learn what he or she needs, wants, feels and the struggle of discovery is absent. Gradually, initially however, bit by bit, little by little, year by year, the erosion occurs. It is not even the erosion; instead, it is the not building of self, so a double loss is occurring. You miss the journey. Giving out and not putting in is a bad investment whether it is about finances or relationships.

Loss of self is learned helplessness. Reinforced codependent behaviors do not serve me well, nor do they serve others well. Codependent relationship dynamics create and foster dependency for both individuals. It is a no-win dynamic. It is not about individual or relationship building. I cannot give up me and think there can be a we. An I is needed for a We to exist.

Loss of self creates a victim mentality. A victim who cannot see how he or she has built his or her own prison. Denial, anger, shame, guilt, passivity, fear, and sadness and oftentimes depression, are the bars of this prison. The wounded child and critical parent are present and the adult ego state has yet to be built.
Loss of self affects the family members and friends of the codependent. Oftentimes, the codependent moves from one crisis to the next and others suffer. Denial is a core symptom for the loss of self. Codependent thinking is if I do not see it, acknowledge it, believe it, then it does not exist.

1. Are you codependent?
2. Do you have loss of self?
3. Do I care for you instead of about you?
4. Do I own responsibility for you and not to you?
5. Do I need your approval and do not know my own mind?
6. Do I think for you and do not know my own thoughts?
7. Do I have appropriate emotional boundaries with you? Do I practice emotional detachment with you?
8. Do I feel and act like a victim in relationships?
9. Do I have low self-esteem?
10. Do I repress feelings and have a wall of denial around me and in my relationships?

Codependency is real. It exists within self and within relationships. Loss of self occurs as we have just described and it is destructive to self and to others. A closing thought is when there is not enough of me for me, surely there cannot be enough of me to share with you. Codependency kills. Codependency is loss of self. If after reading this article, you see yourself as codependent then reach out for help.
Linda M. Smith, PhD, LMFT

Article to follow on Healing Codependency

Linda M. Smith, PhD, LMFT is a psychotherapist.

One of the most dangerous prescription painkillers is Oxycodone. Oxycodone is a drug available by prescription that is an opiate. It acts as a depressant of the central nervous system. It is a narcotic, in the same family as morphine and Vicodin and is often prescribed as a pain killer to treat moderate to severe pain like that caused by back and neck pain, fractures, arthritis, and other ailments.

Oxycodone has a number of different brand names brand names as OxyContin, Percocet, and Percodan. These are opiates and very easily susceptible to abuse and is highly addictive. Drug companies have recently settled a court case where they grossly understated the addictive nature of the drug to doctors and the public. When taken repeatedly, over time, one can develop tolerance to the drug. When this happens the same amount of drug will have less effect or you need to take more and more to have an effect.

Those who abuse oxycodone may either take it in its original pill form or crush it into a powder to be injected or snorted. Because the drug is meant to act as a time-released pain reliever, when crushed or injected, users short circuit the time release effect of the drug. It then causes feelings of euphoria and a very intense high. This is how abusers experience an oxycodone overdose, due to the large amount of the substance being released into their system at once, rather than slowly released over time in the time released pill form.

An unfortunate aspect of all prescription painkillers is that they often start out as having a medically viable use and are prescribed by doctors. Over time tolerance builds and the patient ends up increasing quantity and frequency of use.

To a large degree the symptoms of codependency are about extremes. People who exhibit codependencies often did not seem to have a moderator, they go full speed ahead, or dead stop. We will discuss five essential symptoms codependent behavior. I first learned of this view of codependence from Pia Mellody in her book Facing Codependence. These 5 symptoms are:

1. Difficulty having appropriate levels of self-esteem.

People in dysfunctional relationships such as dependence have troubles with either very low self-esteem or very high self-esteem. High self-esteem manifests itself through arrogance and a belief that I am superior to everyone else. Low self-esteem comes from the belief that you have less worth than other people your feelings and beliefs don’t count. In either case self-esteem is taught within the family of origin. A newborn baby has neither high self-esteem nor low self-esteem; these attitudes are developed in growing up, usually from modeling family behavior.

2. Inability to set realistic, functioning, boundaries.

Boundaries are something that are taught during childhood. If we came from dysfunctional families or families with poor boundaries it is likely that we will have not have learned to set the boundaries ourselves. Boundaries serve a number of purposes, they can offer protection from other people, from ourselves, and they can define who we are in the world. People with poor boundaries on one extreme confine themselves enmeshed with another person to the point where they’re not taking care of their own needs. These people tend to generate self-esteem from how the important they are in taking care of another. People with the rigid and inflexible boundaries tend to live in isolation behind walls. People with no boundaries, tend to be taken advantage of and victimized.

3. Difficulty knowing who you are.

Co-dependents have difficulty seeing themselves as they really are, both physically and mentally. They often have poor or skewed body image problems. They often have altered interpretations of thoughts and their ability to share them. They often have difficulty identifying, owning, and regulating emotions. Another aspect of this is not knowing of who you really are, living in a fantasy, or making up an alter ego.

4. Having trouble defining needs and wants and meeting them.

It is common for someone to get their wants and needs confused. A codependent person is sometimes able to acknowledge thier needs and wants but they try to meet them by themselves without any help. They may also be aware of needs and wants, and expect people to fill them without having to help themselves. Another area of difficulty is to have needs a wants and simply not be aware of some, thus taking no action to fill them.

5. Difficulty in expressing ourselves moderately and knowing what “normal” is.

A codependent person just doesn’t seem to understand what moderation is. They swing like a pendulum from extreme to extreme, ecstatic or miserable, completely indifferent or completely involved. It seems they do not understand when enough is enough; this is possibly the most outwardly visible sign of co-dependants. Often people have difficulty in understanding what ‘normal’ is because they never had ‘normal’ modeled for them when there were growing up. Growing up in a dysfunctional home one learns how to be dysfunctional. If emotions were not shown, we learn frozen at emotions. If there were no boundaries or restraints, we learned no boundaries or restraints.

In general, exposure to dysfunctional family upbringing, whether alcohol and drugs were used, the physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, were present can produce children who will eventually develop into codependent adults. This is really simplifying codependence, but I hope it gets the general picture across.

More Resources:

Helping Heal Your Relationships

There is hope that recovering codependents can have healthy fulfilling relationships. Once you accept your codependency and start work on your own life and yourself, you can begin building or rebuilding relationships with others. …

Codependency from Both Sides of the Fence

I never thought I had codependency issues, until my own son was having trouble and I was obsessed trying to help solve HIS problems. Obsessed, in that I could not stop thinking, worrying or talking about him. …

You Can Always Tell A Codependent

In 10 years of continuous sobriety I’ve met few recovering alcoholics who weren’t, to some degree or another, also recovering codependents. Especially people who are also Adult Children of Alcoholics (boy, does it come with that …

We hope you enjoyed this post on the symptoms of codependency

A relationship where codependency occurs is enabling addiction. A person who is codependent may have a lot of characteristics and personality traits which tend to enable the addict  to maintain their addiction.  Codependency is often defined as taking care of another person in a way that is not healthy to either that person or themselves, or both.

This is caring for the person in such a way that they consider themselves to be inferior or submissive to the person. A codependent person derives their self-esteem from caring for another, not themselves. They are overly involved and immersed in the person’s life. There can be issues of feeling guilty if they do not go along with the other person, and even putting themselves in an abusive or controlling situation. Their guilt, in turn, can lead to acts that “enable” the addict to maintain and carry in his addiction.

Enabling behaviors are acts by those surrounding the substance abuser which contribute towards the maintenance of the addictive behavior. This may be through providing money, making excuses for them, bailing him out of jail, drinking and drugging with them to bond or deepen the relationship, helping them to buy more drugs or alcohol or which help them to avoid the negative consequences of their behavior.

Both an addicted substance abuser and a person enabling his continued use are self-destructive and harbor a significant amount of denial about how the addiction and self-destructive behavior are affecting their health. The codependent person often has a greater incidence of stress-related illnesses which typically accompany the codependent personality traits. This may include heart disease, high blood pressure, ulcers, insomnia, and, due to the extreme anxiety, depression, tension, and other destructive habits.

The person may be addicted to non-chemical substances such as food, cigarettes, etc., family, financial, and work situations.  These patterns of the codependent person will usually help both the codependent person and the addict to continue to spiral into self-destruction. Codependency and addiction go hand in hand.