In a News Release, a study showed:Statistical analyses … revealed that the more young adults play video games, the more frequent their involvement in risky behaviors like drinking and drug abuse. Young adults who played video games daily reported smoking pot almost twice as often as occasional players, and three times as often as those who never play.

I was doing my usual, prowling around the net looking for addiction information and was looking for info on internet addiction. While this study does not really talk about that…I found it intriguing. I just wonder about the interpretation. You read. You Judge. Here goes…

“A new study connects young adults’ use of video games to poorer relationships with friends and family – and the student co-author expresses disappointment at his own findings.

Brigham Young University undergrad Alex Jensen and his faculty mentor, Laura Walker, publish their results Jan. 23 in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence.

The research is based on information collected from 813 college students around the country. As the amount of time playing video games went up, the quality of relationships with peers and parents went down.

“It may be that young adults remove themselves from important social settings to play video games, or that people who already struggle with relationships are trying to find other ways to spend their time,” Walker said. “My guess is that it’s some of both and becomes circular.”

For the record, Walker did not stand in the way of her family’s wish for a Nintendo Wii. Jensen had hoped to find some positive results as justification for playing Madden NFL.

Study participants reported how often they play video games. They also answered a battery of questions measuring relationship quality, including how much time, trust, support and affection they share with friends and parents.

But the researchers say video games do not themselves mean “game over” for a relationship because the connection they found is modest.

“Relationship quality is one of a cluster of things that we found to be modestly associated with video games,” Walker said. “The most striking part is that everything we found clustered around video game use is negative.”

Statistical analyses also revealed that the more young adults play video games, the more frequent their involvement in risky behaviors like drinking and drug abuse. Young adults who played video games daily reported smoking pot almost twice as often as occasional players, and three times as often as those who never play.

For young women, self-worth was low if their video game time was high.

And despite heavy involvement with the research, Jensen does not admit the results to his own family. For now he holds out hope that future research will exonerate consoles or games designed for multiple players.

He’s also curious how video games may affect young couples. Nearly three-fourths of college-aged men in the study played video games regularly. By comparison, just 17 percent of their female counterparts played more than once a month.

“The gender imbalance begs the question of whether chasing a new high score beats spending quality time with a girlfriend or wife,” Jensen said.

Walker teaches in BYU’s School of Family Life. Her colleagues Larry Nelson and Jason Carroll are co-authors on the study.

The new study stems from Project READY, a broad effort looking at young people and the transition to adulthood. The project began in 2004 with an extensive survey of college students around the country. Researchers are beginning another phase of the project that will follow a new batch of students over time. Reports by Project Ready researchers have been published in academic journals such as Journal of Youth and Adolescence, Journal of Adolescent Research, Journal of Family Psychology and other peer-reviewed publications.”

Technorati Tags: bad-relationships, dysfunctional-relationships, Relationships

It seems that a shared characteristic of people either in active addiction or early addiction recovery is that their relationships are damaged in certainly in need of repair.

Common advice given to people new in recovery is not to start any new relationships for the first year.  The rationale behind such advice is that until there’s a certain growth and maturity in recovery, most people new in sobriety lack the skills to effectively identify, own, and process emotions and feelings.  The ability to handle emotions and feelings directly affects the quality of relationships.

Here are some topics for discussion for you in your partner.  A major contributor to successful relationships is the ability to communicate.  Specifically, to communicate and understand important aspects of your partners goals and believes.

Take a look, I’m sure you’ll find some interesting discussion points here.

1.    How can we best nurture our support for one another?
2.    How will we communicate with one another on a daily basis?
3.    How dependent will we be toward one another and is it healthy?
4.    How can we give our mutual intimacy a boost in the relationship?
5.    How long do we intend our relationship to last for example, do we want to get married?
6.    How will we ensure that we respect each other’s rights in this relationship?
7.    How will we help one another “grow” in this relationship?
8.    How can we keep the fun in our relationship?
9.    How will we include others in our relationship without losing our support for one another?
10.    How should or will we approach problems in our relationship?
11.    How will we solve problems?
12.    How are we going to handle various differences of opinion?
13.    How will we handle irritation with one another and is it worth the effort?
14.    How are we going to handle fights and bring them to a healthy resolution?
15.    At what point will we seek help for ourselves if our fighting gets out of hand or will we even bother, for example will we seek counseling together?
16.    Will we agree to disagree?
17.    How can we ensure mutual growth in this relationship?
18.    How open are we to taking joint and individual responsibility for our relationship?
19.    How can we ensure that our individuality doesn’t get lost in this relationship?
20.    How open are we to being assertive in our relationship?
21.    How can we use our unique, individual personalities to help each other and our relationship grow?
22.    What steps will we take if one or both of us begins to feel smothered by the relationship?
23.    What steps are we willing to take if one or both of us has the need for mental health assistance?
24.    How are we going to promote each other’s physical health and will we be supportive of each other?
25.    What steps can we take to handle jealousy, a sense of competition, or resentment toward one another?
26.    How are we going to make time to do all the things we want to do?
27.    How are we going to arrange our schedules so that we can pursue our unique, individual interests and still spend quality time together?
28.    How free are we to pursue our distinct interests and friends?
29.    How committed are we to setting up long range relationship goals and short range objectives to reach those goals?
30.    How committed are we to setting up times in which we can nourish one another and keep our relationship on track?
31.    How can we structure ways to get the “required” relationship maintenance tasks.
32.    How can we delegate the maintenance tasks so that neither of us feels that we are doing too much?
33.    What place will religion, hobbies, sports, and outside interests have in our relationship?
34.    How important are those things to our relationship?
35.    Can we nurture our differences?

Technorati Tags: relationship skills, Relationships

This concept of healthy relationships is clear, quick, and easily understood. Though the relationship concepts are simple they say so much.

Here You Go:

1. I can be me.
2. You can be you
3. We can be us.
4. I can grow.
5. You can grow.
6. We can grow together.

These steps are from The Struggle For Intimacy by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. She is a pioneer in the fields of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependency.

Technorati Tags: Codependency, healthy-relationships

Adult children of alcoholics, (ACOA),  can often be identified as certain signs and symptoms. These clusters of traits often dictate somewhat unique potential problems in addiction recovery.

Janet Geringer Woitiz, Ed.D, is a pioneer in family systems therapy and is help to define the field of adult children of alcoholics. In her book Adult Children Of Alcoholics,pg.xxvi – xxvii, she identifies these signs and symptoms:

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. ACOA’s have difficulty following a project through from beginning until end.

3. Adult children lie what it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. They often have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. An ACOA often overreacts to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children constantly seek approval and affirmations.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13.Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing or loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

Technorati Tags: ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics

This article on bad relationships by Margaret Paul is one of the best I have found. In my opinion, there are 2 things people active in their addiction or entering early addiction recovery need help with are: feelings and emotions, and relationships.Many people in early recovery seek marriage relationship advice .

5 Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

By Margaret Paul PhD.

As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter relationships with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Here are some related posts on bad relationships from around the net:

Low self esteem is bad for your relationship – Low self esteem is not only dangerous for your health but it is also bad for your relationship. Self esteem plays a very important role on how you behave in a relationship and if you are suffering from low self esteem then it is more …

Fix Broken Marriage – Keywords: kids babies baby holidays birthday party parties school friends funny trips home pranks jokes Fix Broken Marriage Fixing A Broken Relationship How To Fix Relationships Fix Bad Relationship Fix Relationship heal relationship …

A lot of abusers skirt boundaries with their victim. They do just … – Most women don’t learn that unless they’ve had to go through a bad relationship- so for that I’m glad. Not grateful- that guy was a creep- just glad I made it out the other side. I don’t know what motivates these abusers and I don’t …

Why Do Women Stay in Bad Relationships? – I never met a woman who didn’t readily admit that she stayed in a bad relationship too long. I have asked many women recently out of dysfunctional relationships why they remained in them even though they weren’t working. …

Technorati Tags: bad-relationships, Relationships

An enabler, unfortunately, many times is facilitating addiction through their well intentioned desire to help the addict or alcoholic.

How does this occur?

Consider the role of the addict; their intention is to continue the using behavior at all costs. What better way to continue that use than to enlist someone to ‘help’ him?

Without the enabler or codependent, the addict would have to start facing consequences of his actions, and that might interfere with use continued use. The well intentioned enabler, out of love for the addict will ‘protect’ him from consequences and himself.

I watched an episode of the TV show “Intervention” where a mother gave her son, living at home, in his mid twenties money for Heroin, drove him downtown to buy the drugs and back home so he could use ’safely’.

She was afraid he might have uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms or get hurt in a dangerous part of town. That was one of the more dramatic examples of addiction enabling I have seen.

Are you lying, making excuses, and creating alibis for your loved one? These are signs that you may have crossed the line from helping into enabling addiction.

Enabling behavior usually starts out very slowly and gradually with trying to smooth things out with others outside the relationship or family. There is a desire to keep family secrets or not rock the boat. Part of enabling, just like active addiction, is denial. In the beginning the enabler will make all sorts of rationalizations and try to minimize the problem; ignore it and hope it goes away. This does not happen.

The vicious cycle of enabling and addiction works something like this. The chemically dependent person is being shielded from the negative consequences of their use. Since these consequences are not hitting home, they can continue to use, or increase their use even more. The ‘job’ or driving purpose in life for an addict or alcoholic is to continue to use. The emabler in trying to ‘protect’ the user, is simply facillitating increased use.

This means the enabler gets drawn even deeper into the web by having to deal with ever increasing chaos. The increasing chaos in the home can be just the excuse the dependent person needs to keep on using.

Where and how does the madness end? For the enabler, though there may be fear and shame about the situation, it usually ends in anger. The enabler typically tries to hold things together and keeps the mounting frustration and anger bottled up…until one day the explosion occurs. They opt out of continuing the excuses.

A more commonly recommended solution is ‘detaching with love’. This type of detachment will be dealt with in a future article.

Paradoxically at this point, with the rug pulled out from him, the user may encounter the crisis that will be motivation to seek treatment. Pain is not pleasant, but it is a wonderful motivator. People who seek addiction treatment usually come from one of two camps.

1. They simply get sick and tired of being sick and tired. They get worn out. More commonly is the second option:

2. A crisis occurs that hits them with the force of a 2 x 4 in the side of the head.

Being protected from crisis may simply be doing nothing more than preventing engagement in addiction treatment and delaying the entry into addiction recovery

Technorati Tags: Codependency, codependent, enabler, enabling addiction

These relationship boundary mistakes can block both communications and growth in your relationship. Do you know how to prevent them? Read on to find 4 important tips.

The ability to set relationship boundaries is a basic life skill or coping skill in interpersonal relationships.

Many people allow themselves to be imposed upon and even mistreated because of a poor self-image, fear of conflict, and uncertainty about their right to exercise control over their lives.

And, on the flip side, they can cause damage to others by not having a defined sense of self, knowing when to stop, and respecting others as individuals.

A boundary is really a limit, or a behavioral line which is established for protection and should not be violated or crossed.  The way in which you allow others to interact with you is governed by the personal boundaries you have established or defined in your life. The way you enforce these boundaries is the primary way you protect yourself emotionally.

Here are the 4 mistakes commonly made:

1. Not having a clear mind.

You must determine what is acceptable and not acceptable about the person or situation. Examine and express your thoughts and feelings. Setting boundaries is about setting limits and you must have a clear vision about what you want and do not want.

2. Not communicating those boundaries to people involved.

It may sound strange but many people will come up with boundaries, not make them known, and then wonder why they are violated. A common dysfunction in relationships is the idea of ‘If you loved me you would know what I want and give it to me’ or ‘You should know I don’t like that’. How would they know if you never tell them?

3. After communicating, ask for and listen to feedback.

After communicating, ask for and listen to feedback. Is your boundary realistic, did they understand what you were trying to communicate and why? Relationships serve the purpose of getting your needs met. Perhaps the issue had been festering on both sides and simply airing it out and being specific will be enough.

4. Not defending your boundaries.

Sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, your boundaries will be challenged. Firstly, stop what is going on, identify and name the transgression as soon as it happens. Do not store it up for later, risking growing resentment or ignoring it  ‘just this once’. That leads to inconsistency and a weakening of the limits you set.

By setting boundaries in relationships we are saying we will no longer be a victim of fate or at the mercy of a cold, cruel world. We can start getting some direction in our lives and relationships rather than letting those on the outside control us. It means taking emotional responsibility for ourselves and not taking on that of others.

By taking the time to sit and look at wants, needs, goals and desires, we can begin to move forward in the direction to get them met for ourselves, rather than relying on others, or worse yet, staying stuck in a rut of our own making. Seek marriage advice if needed.

Technorati Tags: boundaries, relationship-boundaries, Relationships

Do you have any of these common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics? Reading these article will provide some answers.

Children growing up in a family where alcoholism is present learn survival skills. Unfortunately these solutions don’t work well as adults.

Alcohol use within the family affects all members, not just the alcoholic. Children growing up in this environment have a particularly difficult time.

Modeling is the most powerful form of education and they grow up seeing, and being taught, dysfunctional behavior. They see and learn methods of survival that may work for a child, but are then carried forward into adulthood where they are dysfunctional.

Here are 5 common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics:

1. They feel they must be in control of behavior and feelings at all times. This desire to control may be an overreaction to growing up in chaos where active alcoholism is present. This tendency to want to be in control at all times is grounded in fear. If all aspects of their life cannot be controlled, it will automatically get worse.

2. ACOA’s struggle with intimate relationships. Being intimate requires releasing some control and being vulnerable. This is difficult. Love is often expressed as rescuing people or trying to fix others problems, rather than being a partner. A survival skill growing up may have been the need to hide feelings and not express them for fear of consequences.

3. Perfectionism, heightened sense of responsibility. Children in alcoholic families learned that if they were ‘perfect’ they might get positive attention. In many cases whatever they did was not enough. Self-esteem comes from how they are viewed by others. They can be extremely self-critical, never attaining the ideal of how good they ‘should’ be.

4. A tendency toward compulsive behaviors. Being a child of an alcoholic increases the likelihood the child will become addicted to alcohol. It is also noted however, a tendency toward other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, disordered eating or addictive relationships.

5. Abandonment fears. I believe this stems from the learned uncertainty in childhood of not knowing what was coming next, a hug or a slap. Adult children often believe that any relationship, no matter how bad or abusive, is better than none at all. Often they will do anything to hang on.

There are many more identifiable symptoms and signs characteristic of ACOA’s. Here us some supplemental reading from around the web:

Comment on adult children of alcoholics by CP – So having an alcoholic parent, puts you at greater risk. My mother was an alcoholic and having subsequently suffered my own addictions, I know that the trauma of watching her fight her alcoholism in my early years, played a big part in …

Adult Children Of Alcoholics – One of the best recovery tools for me at a time when I didn’t even know what AA or addiction was all about was an “Adult Children Of Alcoholics” support group I attended weekly for nine months. It was the single most important part of …

The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children – Woititz book “Adult Children of Alcoholics”. It has given me the knowledge to better understand the person I see in the mirror. At times, the book left me feeling emotionally drained. Please make an effort to completely read her book. …

Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics – World Service Org. – Sharing equally with others in the society of ACOA means never to be alone anymore. No bosses. No rules, No dues or fees, yet self-supporting. Just sharing, one day at a time with others healing in unconditional love. …

Crazymaking, Social Proof and Restoration to Rationality – Anonymous: Adult Children of Alcoholics: Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families, Torrance, CA: ACA World Service Office, 2006. Anonymous: Co-Dependents Anonymous, Phoenix, AZ: Co-Dependents Anonymous, 1995. Bandura, A.: Self-Efficacy: The …

Technorati Tags: ACOA, adult children, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Alcoholism

Bad relationships, dysfunctional relatationships; ralationships are almost always damaged by substance abuse. If an addict wants to coninue to use substances, the last thing they want to hear is a loved one telling them to stop. This is why the deeper we move into addiction, the deeper we move into isolation.

Here is a well written article on bad relationships:

Are you Addicted to Bad Relationships?



By Alina Ruigrok

Do you often find that you involve yourself in relationships that disappoint you? Are you not getting what you need and desire from the people you choose to date? Does there always seem to be something missing?

So what are the symptoms of this addiction?

Ignoring the truth would be one. If you truly know that the relationship you are in is making you unhappy but make no effort to exit from it, then you are in denial and are holding yourself hostage in a situation you do not have to be in. Making excuses for your partners disappointing and bad behavior will keep you trapped and is another huge symptom of bad relationship addiction, especially if the excuses you produce do not back up the facts and are unrealistic. If you do finally build up the courage to confront your partner to leave him or her but are overcome with fear and therefore back off from the confrontation, you are a high and sure victim of addiction because no matter what you attempt, you find yourself always giving in and holding on to what you know is bad for you. Suffering from both physical and mental discomfort once broken up, unless you get back together, is yet another symptom of addiction and should not be denied or ignored.

What causes addiction to bad relationships?

There are several levels and everyones addiction is different and varies. One common reason is the feeling and belief that if you end the relationship, you will never find anyone else who could possibly be interested in you or love you. You grow so attached to your partner that you forgot your life before him or her, making you feel fearful of being on your own and taking care of yourself. Fear of criticism is another reason many people remain in bad relationships. They are afraid of what people will say, believing that ending a relationship means that they are a failure and being alone is unacceptable and terrifying. Other reasons may be financial support that you are receiving from a partner, making you feel that you should tolerate bad behavior from your lover, since they are supporting you. Having a child together can also blind you or cause you to deny a bad relationship, making you feel guilty for leaving your childs mother or father. On a deeper level, you could be addicted to disappointing and bad relationships due to your upbringing or experiences as a child yourself. Perhaps you were not nurtured or loved enough and you now think it is normal to be neglected from love, care and understanding.

What should you do and how can you break a bad relationship addiction?

Since this addiction is difficult and basically impossible for you to end on your own, counseling would be the best assistance for you. Find a counselor or service in which experts provide their services through, and take that first step in accepting the fact that you have an addiction and that you need and want help to conquer it. Start being a best friend to yourself and open the door to all the feelings you have kept locked up for so long. Stay focused and encourage yourself frequently by setting a goal, and picturing yourself away from all the disappointment and closer to all the happiness and good health you need, desire and deserve as a person. Never give up and know that you are not alone. There are people who can help you, know how to help and will help you. Mainly, keep in mind that there will always be a person who will be by your side and never leave you, always giving you the strength, love and support you need…and that person is YOU.

Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert for http://www.love-sessions.com helping those in need of dating, love, relationship, marital, sexual and other personal advice through e-sessions. About the Author Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert for http://www.love-sessions.com helping those in need of dating, love, relationship, marital, sexual and other personal advice through e-sessions.

Technorati Tags: Addiction, addictive-relationships, bad-relationships, dysfunctional-relationships

Any relationship involves a certain degree of codependency. Here is a quiz designed to find out if you are codependent to a problematic degree. The terms enabler and codependent arise when speaking of the partner involved in a relationship with an addicted person, but the addict may also be codependent.

Any relationship that involves addiction sledom has moderation as a foundation, it usually involves extremes such as one partner being the giver and one the taker. Here is the quiz:

By Royane Real, Are You Codependent?

Do you feel like you give and give in your relationships but you get very little back? Are you always trying to save somebody or rescue somebody that doesn’t have their life together?

You may be co-dependent.

Take the quiz in this article and find out. In a relationship between two emotionally healthy adults, the roles of giving and receiving help are balanced. Both people offer help and receive help from each other in approximately equal amounts.However, there are some people who always take on the role of being the helper, no matter what relationship they are in. These people give, and give, and they always seem to get involved with people who have very serious emotional problems, such as addiction.And they exhaust themselves trying desperately to save the other person, even at tremendous cost to their own health. These people have friendships that focus exclusively on trying to solve the problems of their friends.

We sometimes call this quality “codependency“, and we may label people who are obsessed with helping others “co-dependent”. A person who is co-dependent will tend to have relationships with people who have a lot of problems emotional, social, familial and financial. The co-dependent person may spend much of their own time, money, and energy helping other people who have problems, while ignoring the problems in their own life.Why would somebody be co-dependent?A person who is co-dependent often suffers from a deep sense of worthlessness and anxiety, and tries to derive a sense of self-worth by helping or rescuing others. A person who is co-dependent may not know how to relax and feel comfortable in a friendship where both people are equals and the relationship is based on enjoying each other’s company.

Co-dependent people may even feel anxious if someone they have been helping gets their life in order and no longer wants their help. The co-dependent person may immediately look around for someone else they can “save”. If you frequently take on the role of helping the people who are your friends, how can you tell if you are acting out of genuine kindness and concern, or whether your behavior is in fact co-dependency? When is it healthy to put the needs of other people first, and when is it unhealthy?There aren’t really any hard and fast lines between the two.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see whether your “helping” behavior may actually be co-dependency:

1. Do you have a hard time saying no to others, even when you are very busy, financially broke, or completely exhausted?
2. Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
3. Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?
4. If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?
5. Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the “helper”?
6. If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?
7. Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?
8. Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?
9. Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?
10. Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?
11. Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?
12. Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?
13. As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?
14. As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?

If you answered “yes” to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency. This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself. If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.

There are many excellent books available on the subject of co-dependency, such as “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Attending support groups such as Al-Anon can also help you reduce the stress of codependent relationships, and get you to focus on your own life instead of endlessly trying to rescue all those around you.

This article was written by self help author Royane Real. For more information about how you can have more friendships and better relationships, get her new book “How You Can Have All the Friends You Want” Download it today at>http://www.royanereal.comCopyright Royane Real http://www.royanereal.com

Here are some good articles and new blogs I found on codependency:

Codependency

Help with Overcoming Codependency

Symptoms of Addiction and Codependency

Recovery from Codependency is Possible

Technorati Tags: Codependency, codependent

I found this well written article on communication skills and relationship tips. What sparked my interest in finding a good article was a lively lunch discussion this afternoon, where I argued for communication skills as being the most important thing in a relationship. I don’t know if I won the discussion on the importance of communication, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Simple Tips to Improve Your Communication/Relationship Skills

By Connie Limon

Have you ever been to a function in a room full of strangers and found yourself lost for words? The art of introducing yourself to others and creating small talk may come natural for some, but most people confess to feeling shy, embarrassed and dont know where to start.

There are four levels of communication: small talk, fact disclosure, share viewpoints and opinions and share personal opinions.

1. Small Talk. In new relationships or acquaintances the safest place to start is to talk about surface issues. For instance, make a comment about the weather, current events or the surroundings you are in. This is called small talk, and is used to size up the other person to determine the comfort zone between the two of you. There is no need to disclose any personal information with the other person at this stage, as this initial interaction assists you to determine how safe they are on your first meeting. If you are comfortable with each other at a surface level you can easily slip into the next level of communication: fact disclosure.

2. Fact Disclosure Fact. Disclosure is slightly deeper than small talk in that you disclose facts about yourself without triggering topics of emotional interest. The purpose of fact disclosure is to find out if you have something in common. You can use these common areas to build a friendship. You may want to talk about your career, occupation, hobbies, or where you live. Avoid topics like marriage, divorce, politics, sex and religion in this second level of communication. If you find a topic of mutual interest you may want to progress to the next level of communication: sharing viewpoints and opinions.

3. Share Viewpoints and Opinions. Once you have established that the other person is safe through small talk, and have found areas of common interest, you can build rapport by sharing your opinions and viewpoints. By sharing your viewpoints and opinions you allow yourself to become vulnerable to the scrutiny and objections of the other person. Enter this level of communication once you are comfortable that you both share positive feelings through the first two levels. Be prepared to listen to the opinions of your new friend. This will enable your friendship to survive. Make sure you dont use your opinions as a form of character assassination of other people. You may be thought of as a negative person and this may cause your new friend to distance himself/herself from you. The fourth level of communication is sharing personal feelings. Solid friendships over time usually enter this fourth level of communication.

4. Share Personal Feelings. After building upon trust, finding things in common and listening to the viewpoints and opinions of others, you may be able to share your personal feelings. This is when an acquaintance becomes a genuine friend. Things of deep value to you can be shared without feeling threatened. You listen closely to each other without the need to solve your friends problem. You are happy to reflect their feelings back to them forming a bond of empathy and compassion between the two of you. At this level of communication, it is important that you provide a little distance between yourself and your friend. If the distinction between yourself and your friend becomes unrecognizable, it is possible for your relationship to go sour. If you know how to handle your own feelings, attitudes and behaviors while maintaining your friendship at this level, you will build a successful friendship that can last a lifetime.

Author: Connie Limon. Please visit us online at: http://www.selfimprovementbook1.com/Self Improvement Book is a guide to self improvement, personal growth and self help. It is an organized directory referencing other websites on the World Wide Web. Sign up for our FREE bi-weekly newsletter.

Elsewhere around the net, these articles and blogs are really worth a look:

How to Communicate with your Family?

Communication Skills – 4 Excellent Ways To Fine Tune Your …

Communication Skills a Must

Technorati Tags: addictive-relationships, relatiionships

An addictive relationship is no fun, though many, many, people are in dysfunctional relationships that are not in their best interests. Bad relationships lead to abuse, drug use, depression, and to people’s lives being negatively affected.

Addictive relationships can be hard to define, and therefore it can be hard to tell if you are in one.

However, a bad relationship is something to take seriously, and if you can figure out that you are in one, you are one step closer to getting out of it so that you can get into a good relationship.

An addictive relationship tends to isolate either or both partners from the outdide world. It is identical to drug or alcohol dependence. It is something that keeps them apart from the things they really love and tasks they should be accomplishing. An addictive relationship is truly a dysfunctional relationship because it is defined by an increasing craving to be with a person, and by withdrawal symptoms that go along with being away from them. It also has the some of the same signs as other addictions, such as low self-esteem, passivity, magical thinking, lack of initiative, and helplessness.

Here are 7 indicators of an addictive relationship.

If you find that your relationship has these things or any number of them, chances are good that you are in a bad relationship, and should consider getting out of it.

1. If it is love at first site, an animal attraction, or infatuation, warning bells should also be going off. This might include a person that is too far away, married, not interested, or emotionally unavailable. If these things are true about your partner, yet you feel like you are drawn to them, it could be an addictive relationship.

2. If changing the other person to want you want them to be is your goal, you are in a losing situation. People will not change just because you hound them. If you find yourself constantly thinking that the relationship would be perfect if the person could just change a little bit, it is a sign of a bad relationship.

3. If know that the relationships is bad for you, but you are not able to break it off, this is a sign of an addictive relationship. you may not feel deserving of a positive relationship, perhaps you are so worried about the others reaction to a break up you lose sight of your own needs. no matter what, these are the signs of a bad relationship.

4. If you notice the realtioships of other happy people seem boring compared to yours, it may be a sign you are hooked on the chaos of an addictive relationship. Chances are that you would reject these people, in favor of the relationship that you are in.

5. If you don’t feel that you can be independent within your relationship, even though you might be independent in other areas, it might be a sign of an addictive relationship.

6. If you cannot say no to the person that you are involved with, and you find yourself doing what they say and putting their needs above your own, this is the sign of an addictive relationship.

7. If your relationship makes you feel self-doubt, it is a sign that your relationship is dysfunctional.

If you find that you are in an addictive relationship, the best thing to do is to get out of the relationship. However, seek help from family and friends, and even professionals, so that you can avoid going back to the person, and so that you can learn how to appreciate yourself long enough to find a successful and good relationship.

Here is some further reading on addictive relationships:

Save Your Marriage And Avoid Divorce

The Fear Factor in Relationships

Add You: Am I Addicted To My Relationship at www.addyou.info

Sex, Love and Poly-Behavioral Addiction

Can Online Counseling for Drug and Alcohol Addiction Problems Be …

Technorati Tags: addictive-relationship, addictive-relationships

I became involved with a woman and we had a difficult time with our relationship. I found out after a time, she was the victim of physical abuse and stalking in the recent past. I went to the local women’s crisis center to find out what special considerations may be involved in dealing with past abusive relationships. I did not want to create more misery for the lady. Here is an excellent bullet point help list for understanding physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

By Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD
The recovery process for physical or sexual abuse survivors requires a multifaceted therapeutic process, facilitated by a professional who is trained in mind, body, spirit healing. Traditional therapy is not effective for physical or sexual abuse recovery.

WHAT TO DO:

• DO learn about abuse aftereffects and the healing process. 
• DO use and encourage the Survivor to use empowering language. 
• DO help the Survivor make choices. 
• DO validate feelings. 
• DO encourage therapy for the Survivor, and possibly yourself. Separately and together. 
• Do learn and practice effective communication techniques. 
• Do learn and practice assertive communication skills. 
• DO learn and practice time-out skills. 
• DO respect boundaries and limits. 
• DO communicate openly about sexuality. 
• DO allot time and resources for the healing process. 
• DO learn to play. 
• DO allot time to be together. 
• DO allot time to be apart. 
• DO serve as a healthy role model. 
• Do blame the offender(s), NOT the Survivor. 
• DO plan for crises (including possibly suicidal thoughts). 
• DO be honest about your feelings. 
• DO acknowledge progress in the healing process. 
• DO reinforce strengths of the Survivor and the relationship. 
• DO believe in the Survivor and in the healing process.

WHAT TO AVOID:

• Avoid taking the Survivor’s outbursts personally. 
• Avoid being a martyr. 
• Avoid isolating yourself, even though, the Survivor is. 
• Avoid humoring the Survivor into cheerfulness. 
• Avoid insisting the Survivor forgive and forget. 
• Avoid overwhelming the Survivor with your own anger/frustration regarding the abuse. 
• Avoid making pronouncements regarding a “cure” or insist the Survivor hurry the healing process. 
• Avoid setting timetables or give ultimatums to the Survivor. 
• Avoid giving the Survivor your version how s/he needs to heal.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, If I’d Only Known…Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, is noted for her pioneering work in verbal, physical and sexual abuse prevention and recovery. http://www.gen-assist.com/book.asp

Technorati Tags: abuse-recovery, sexual-abuse, sexual-abuse-recovery

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires, I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do a least two things I don’t want to do–just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

I have seen this printed quite often, but have been unable to find the author to give due credit.

Technorati Tags: just for today

Sober Living
By John Jablonski

Sober living is, quite simply, a choice to live free from addictions. However,

the reasons that a person chooses sober living are far from simple.

Many people have reached a stage in their life where their lifestyle is seen as the only way to turn their life around. It is a sad fact that addictions to drugs, alcohol, or even gambling can destroy a person’s life and affect everyone around them. Being determined to change to a happier living lifestyle may not repair all of the damage that their addictions have caused to others, but it will definitely eliminate the consequences of continuing addiction.

Support from those around you is essential for continued and successful sober living. Often, the best people to seek support from are those that have been through similar situations. This is not always the case, but understanding of the true meaning of sober living by anyone that you come into contact with is often necessary to help prevent a relapse into the life that you lead before you chose to live alcohol free. This does not necessary ensure that the person is the best source of support, but it does remove a lot of the pressure about explaining what real living is, and why you have chosen such a path.

Sober living should not be seen as simply giving up addictions. Of course, that is the main starting point and continued focus of true sober living, but the focus should be more on how life can be changed for the better by sober living. If a person remains in contact with friends and family that knew them before their sober living began there are often a large number of barriers to be broken down. No one can be expected to change completely overnight, but with concerted effort and determination, the change to sober living can be truly successful and literally life changing.

There are many organizations that can help a person to achieve sober living. Many of these offer counselling sessions and a buddy system to provide support and advice to anyone who has, or is considering choosing sober living. There are also a growing number of residential places in sober living homes. These range in their entry requirements and fees, but all provide a safe and supportive environment for people to start out on the road to living without booze or drugs. Here is one word of caution to anyone wanting to start a new relationship at the same time as beginning their new sober living lifestyle. Don’t! The pressure of trying to change old habits may be overwhelmed by those of the relationship. Of course, this does not mean that you cannot seek new friends; just don’t be too keen to form a deep relationship too soon during this vulnerable time.

About the author:John Jablonski is the owner of several successful online dating websites and was of the first to have a dating website for sober singles. Place your own free profile at our Sober Living Personals dating website.

Technorati Tags: Relationships, sober-living, sobriety