This week will be looking at four key relationships in addiction recovery. A number of these relationships may have suffered through our actions and behaviors while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

This Featured Post is the 7th in a series of 26. It is available as a download: Click on the PDF image. Save a copy to your computer. If you missed a previous post check the sidebar to the right under ‘Free Downloadable Modules’.

I have yet to meet someone who is able to honestly say that all their relationships are in the best shape they’ve ever been when they first enter recovery.

I believe that addiction is a disease of isolation.  The deeper and deeper we slide into our addictive actions and behaviors, the more and more distant we become from relationships that are important to us. I have identified four key relationships that undoubtedly suffer when we’re active in our addiction, and those are:

1. Our relationship to ourselves.
2. Our relationships to our family.
3. Our relationships to our higher power.
4. Our relationships in society.

1. The First Key Relationship: How We Relate To Ourself…

When honestly looking at our past behavior while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I think it is real difficult to feel good about yourself. And perhaps that is the easiest and most simple definition of self-esteem. Common feelings turned inward, experienced by people in active use, are anger, loneliness, shame, guilt, and inadequacy, among many others.
It is common to have very low self worth, and not feel very important or very likable. It is extremely difficult to attract and give love when you don’t feel lovable. How do we change this? How do we start moving forward in a positive direction? I hate to state the obvious. but the first really positive action we can take is to become abstinent. Stop using drugs or alcohol and stay stopped.

As we enter into addiction recovery and move down the path toward sobriety, it is natural to feel a bit better about oneself. After all, you’re finally taking pro-active and positive steps to improve your life.We will have to come up with a richer definition of self-esteem, then simply how we feel about ourselves. Perhaps a broader concept would be to look at the value we place on ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Where does self-esteem come from?

For some reason, I picture a little newborn baby in the hospital being held up behind the glass by the nurse. New parents are gazing fondly at their new child. Then I ask myself, does that child have low self-esteem? Where did this concept of not putting a value on ourselves come from? What’s that all about?

Somewhere along the line, I believe we learned how to feel about ourselves. One thing I know, is that one of the strongest forms of teaching and learning is modeling.
We tend to emulate what we are shown. If we are raised in a healthy family, a Leave It to Beaver situation, where our needs are met, love and reassurance freely given, I don’t think there will be low self-esteem issues.

Unfortunately, many people who  suffered through addiction come from less than ideal and emotionally functional families. Now I’m not all about blaming our parents, I really believe they did the best job that they could, but the fact is some of us were raised in less than ideal family situations. Think about that. We learn from what is modeled around us.
Leaving the past behind us, just think how our value and perception of ourselves plummeted as we became active in our addiction. I really think that at some deep level we know that drinking and drugging is not a positive influence in our life. Yet we continue to do it. That push and pull of wanting to stop, then having to use, can play havoc with how we feel about ourselves.

Enough. How About If  We Move Into Some Solutions?

One of the great things about being in addiction recovery is that our self-esteem can take a major boost. Sometimes though, the old feelings and thinking can re-occur. That is when self esteem tips can be a useful recovery tool.

When people talk about improving self-esteem, they usually mean self-confidence.  While the two are related, they are not exactly the same.  Self-esteem is all about self-worth and self-value.  It’s how we see ourselves in relation to other people and our environment.  It has nothing to do with vanity or conceit.
The lack of self-esteem is a major problem and has a leveling quality. Rich and poor, all strata of society alike, are afflicted by it, and people decide between happiness and unhappiness because of it.  If self-esteem is an area in your life where you need improvement, here are some tips you can use to build your self-value and improve the way you see yourself:

Self-esteem Tips

1.  Know what you want.  You can’t assess where you are in your journey if you have no idea what you want to have in life.  You also will not be able to judge whether you’ve been doing a good job or just so-so.

Set goals that are clear and doable.  Make sure that these are things you want to do and attain, and not things your parents, family, friends and colleagues insist you ‘should’ have. Is it just the latest trends that dictate your aspirations? If so, you will never catch up and be satisfied.  You can only claim your goals as your own if you recognize them as things you truly, genuinely want in your life.

2.  Assess your good points.  List the things that you do well and the things that make you a good person.  It could be anything: intelligence, a good sense of humor, good analytical ability, compassion, creativity, ability to spot trends, or people skills These are things that you have and can recognize as an integral part of your personality and talents.  No matter how low you feel in your life, these are qualities that you never lose.

3.  Recognize your liabilities.  Improving your self-esteem does not mean ignoring the things that make you human.  To be human is to make mistakes, just do not let them keep you stuck.  List your negative traits and label them as areas in your life you need to work on, areas for improvement.  Treating them as downright liabilities will make them seem an unalterable feature of your life, and create a feeling that you are helpless against them.

4.  Build slowly but surely.  Take little steps to improve your self-esteem.  Big successes build upon small successes.  You can’t decide to change your outlook drastically today and expect extreme results in the morning.  By taking it slowly and performing well during each turn, you gradually build a solid base of achievements that will boost your self-esteem more effectively.

5.  Make it a point to improve yourself daily.  Whatever you do, say or think should be geared towards improving your self-esteem.  Improve the way you dress, walk or talk.  Take further studies to hone your knowledge and skills, learn a new language, take up cooking classes, start a new hobby.  Being able to immerse yourself in worthwhile activity creates a feeling of capability and opens new opportunities for growth.

6.  Keep away from people who shoot you down with snide remarks and unfair criticisms.  Associate with positive people.  There will always be grouches and negativists who will think nothing about giving careless opinions that make other people think unworthy of praise or recognition.  If you find people who make it their life mission to belittle other people’s achievements, keep your distance.  They will not contribute anything good to your life.

7.  Be yourself.  You’ll never improve your self-esteem if you try to live life and find acceptance as a projected mask of yourself.  Pretending to be someone you’re not will fail to affirm your uniqueness and potential and will only make you sadder about your circumstance.  You can’t make everyone love you, so don’t try.

8.  Make other people feel good about themselves.  People tend to like you more if you’re honest and pleasant.  Polish your listening skills and body language to make people feel comfortable.  Respond to them visibly and with interest.You might think that this is the opposite of what you want to do to improve your self-esteem but by actually focusing your attention on other people, you create an aura of likeability that they gravitate towards, making them choose you over others.  And when you are singled out as a good person who’s terrific to be with, your self-esteem grows.

9.  You have the right to make mistakes.  Nobody’s perfect, regardless of what you’ve heard or what popular media wants you to believe.  By accepting that you will make mistakes and that it’s all right, you learn to recognize that it is a necessary process you need to go through in order for you to improve yourself.

10.  Recognize that you are a unique individual with a different set of talents and that you have something to contribute.  You may not be a big celebrity like Justin Timberlake, as rich as Bill Gates or as powerful as Oprah Winfrey, but your individuality makes you as important as they are, with as much right to exist and make something of yourself.

2. The Second Key relationship:How We Relate To Our Families…

I was asked to give a lecture on addiction and relationships to about 50 patients in an inpatient treatment facility. I asked the group to shout out emotional states or consequences of their active addiction while I wrote their responses on the board.  We developed a list; take a look at it very carefully because I am going to ask you a question after:

 
1. isolation
2. financial consequences
3. guilt
4. legal issues
5. shame
6. abandonment
7. anger and rage
8. loss of morality
9. cheating
10. poor health
11. job loss
12. dishonesty
13. Losing interest in life
14. divorce

Here Is the question:

With all that going on, why would you NOT think you relationships are in trouble?

Look at what you were bringing to the relationship. Look at your emotional contribution. The silence is deafening.

A person who is active in their addiction has one the self-centered goal in mind, and that is to continue using drugs and alcohol.  If someone close to them points out the fact that they are hurting themselves and others around them, the natural thing to do is to put up walls insulating themselves from the message.  The addict will continue to use and twist the relationship as long as it promotes his ability to continue alcohol or drug use.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard:

I just want my old _____________ (husband, wife, mate, friend) back. The obvious implication here is that things have changed, and if you go back to the list we mentioned before, it is not for the better. I have NEVER heard anyone say “the more I drank or drugged the better my relationships got.” Oops! Sorry for stating the obvious.

The Million Dollar Family Dilemma:

I could make a million dollars if I could solve this early recovery dilemma. There are two points of view on healing relationships as we move into sobriety, the recovering persons, and families. Unfortunately, they are almost always diametrically opposed. Here the two positions that are talking about:

The recovering person…

With good reason, wants to let go of past, live in the present, and move on to the future. They are very sincere in their conviction that they have finally got it right and that drugs and alcohol will no longer be a problem. And for everyone’s sake we hope it is true. They want to reestablish family relationships as if nothing has happened, and not dwell on the wreckage of the past or least tone it way down.

The family member(s),…

Sincerely hope that there is no return to drug or alcohol use. However, the past cannot just be ignored, the pain was very real to them each and every day while the user just ‘checked out’, leaving the family members holding the bag for a whole host of problems. They truly want to believe that is all over, but have very real concerns about it. The track record has not been good.

Conclusion:

The recovering person sincerely believes and wants this to be the last time, and wants everybody around him to believe in support him. That’s great, however here is the flaw. This may hurt, but I’ll let you have it right between the eyes, Your track record stinks. Why should anybody believe you this time?

Don’t get me wrong, your family wants to believe you, but what they are really looking for is a guarantee. I had one family member describe it to me as like being on a roller coaster, they would see progress get their hopes up high only to see them slide downhill into oblivion.

How about this for a different explanation: the family finally has your attention your head is out of the drug and alcohol induced cloud, you just might be capable of hearing them. They want you to listen to them. They are not being mean and vindictive they are simply trying to get the point across did they have been through hell too. You certainly were not able to listen what you are under the influence. Maybe they are thinking that if you know how bad it was, you would not possibly go back.

3. The Third Key Relationship: How We Relate To Our Higher Power (spirituality)…

One way or another our spirituality is definitely affected if by actively using drugs or alcohol. I am going to stick to that point within this Module. You might guess we will be dealing with spirituality in depth in a future session, and you would be right.

Perhaps one of the most simple, yet elegant exchanges I ever heard of when discussing how people become disconnected from their spirituality when using is this:

Recovering person “I felt I was more and more distant and disconnected from God, and my spiritual well-being.”
Person listening: Who moved?”

I used to be envious of people who had a strong connection to God or religion. I always wanted that, but something always held me back, I just couldn’t get there. The one thing I could not appreciate is that while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it was very difficult to have faith in much of anything.

For those who do believe in something greater than themselves, I can’t recall ever having heard that their faith became greater and they became closer to their higher power while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

I will just state that in order to grow in recovery, move closer to that peace and serenity that I think most of us want to achieve, I believe it is necessary to address spiritual issues and personal values. I’ll leave the definitions of them up to you for now.

4. The Fourth Key Relationship:Our Relationships In Society Or Community…

OK, we have covered relationships with ourselves, our family, and spirituality. Now it is time to tackle pretty much all else that is left, and by that I mean our relationships in society and with our community.

Almost by definition, our relationships in the society and community around us suffer and deteriorate. Two of the criteria from the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders which mental health professionals use to diagnose substance dependence are:

1. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain substance, use the substance, or recover from its defects.

2. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use.

I return once again to our idea about alcohol and drug addiction as being a disease of isolation. What may have started out in the beginning as casual use escalated over time. Our drug or alcohol or use became so prominent that it became the thing around which we organized everything in our lives. Not only does that include destroying relationships, but actually giving up fun things that we used to do.

One of the real benefits of 12 step programs, is they provide a way back into community, and learning how to reestablish those people skills we may of lost along the way. Aside from that, all the people in those programs are trying to head in the same general direction, that is, lead a life that is drug or alcohol free. What better place to become socially reconnected, or to use the program terminology, to partake of fellowship?

When asking people who have relapsed what they believe the causes are, there are two answers that come up over and over again. Boredom and isolation. Sometimes we become so lonely and withdrawn from society we actually forget or do not know how to reconnect again.

There are some standard answers, such as get a job, do volunteer work, etc. Now, when people complain that their bored or lonely I look them right in the eyes and say what are you going to do about that? Who said it was easy?

Sometimes life in recovery involves pushing the envelope and making a little bit of effort. If you need to work on shyness, or being uncomfortable with people, then so be it, let’s start working on it. I know you can do it because you are here reading these words, trying to improve yourself.

As they say in the 12 step programs, recovery is all about action. You can think, and study all you want, but nothing happens until you take action.

And in a larger philosophical sense, I believe that’s what makes us human. Making decisions, sometimes being right, sometimes being wrong, but doing something darn it.

In Closing:

Well there you have it, a look at the four key relationships in recovery. I want to touch bases on all for those areas, to put a more global view on the concept of relationships.

Some of these relationships such as self-esteem, dysfunctional relationships, and spirituality we will be visiting in more depth in the future.

A final thought or word of caution I might relate when it comes to relationships is this if: be very careful about superimposing your desired time frame on reality. In a lot of cases it took a long time for relationships deteriorate and crumble. It would be a very unrealistic to believe that they can be repaired in short order for instantly.

In some cases people associated with us have had enough of the talk, they want to see more of the walk. A sure-fire method to reestablish positive relationships is to the next right thing, act responsibly, consistently into overtime. If we are taking right action and making good decisions over time, the people love us will certainly come back into our lives.

Yours in sobriety,

Bill Urell

Can you easily discuss with anyone and go away an excellent impression? Using good dialog subjects will empower you to make small talk and converse with anyone. You will depart a fantastic impression. You can come up with good conversation topics fast. An attention-grabbing matter is one you each have an interest in. I may be really fascinated about soccer, but when my accomplice has not seen a recreation in three years, thats an terrible topic. Dialog Matters and Questions

Convey up great conversation topics and you will impress the other person and it will likely be easier to build the relationship. How does a person always know what to say? Use just a few of these concepts

Conversation Matters from Current Occasions

Look at the newspaper everyday. Search for attention-grabbing tales, opinions, or feedback that you’re focused on and would seemingly curiosity others. When you see a novel story, make note of it and use it later.

I may say, “Did you see the story about the man who won the lottery twice? What would you do with all that money?”

The web is full of good dialog topics. Learn fascinating stories. Look at blogs. Do this and you will be updated on whats happening. Typically I’ll search for fascinating info or tidbits of information that can be of curiosity to others in my next conversation.

Observe to see their reaction. If they are interested within the matter, maintain chasing that topic. Otherwise, I’ll deliver up another topic Dialog Questions about their Life

Every individual has one topic they often enjoy speaking about. It’s themselves. Ask questions and present curiosity in their life. That is one key having good dating dialog topics. Show curiosity in your companion by asking varied questions.

What do you consider….?” What are some plans you’ve got for the long run?What do you love to do in your free time? Steer the dialog in the direction of topics of their life you are interested in. If you’re fed up with sports, don’t ask about their favorite teams.

Search to keep away from asking questions which are too personal. The other individual may start to resent you as none of us want too personal of questions! Ask Good Conversation Questions

One good dialog questions will start conversation and turn a boring dialog into fascinating small talk. For those who might live anywhere on this planet, where would you reside and why?

In case you gained Survivor, how would you spend the money?

For those who can have any skill, which one would you get?

Whereas some topics spark conversation, others will kill it faster than a cup of water on a candle. Here are just a few subjects to avoid.

Any Matter The place you Complain

Keep away from blaming and being down on life. Nobody likes to be around an individual the place the glass is all the time half empty.Focus on the optimistic so you will depart an excellent impression.

Uninteresting Matters

Watch your dialog partner. Are they interested? If not, higher swap topics. What could also be interesting to at least one, is just not interesting to the following person.

Silent pauses will creep into your conversation. Stop them by using these conversation subjects and you will go away a great impression! These work whether or not its a dialog on a date, teaching ESL, or advancing your career.

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It’s not said without reason that it is very tough to forgive a person who has done something wrong to you. The statement holds more relevance when the person in question is your own partner. While you may always take hurt to your heart and snap off all ties with you partner, it is not necessarily a sane decision. If you believe that relationships are for keeps, it appears sensible to forgive your partner. Though forgiving your partner is quite a difficult task, the following suggestions may make the process simpler for you.

The 1st step towards forgiveness is to talk it out. ‘Talking’ here means talking only and not screaming or throwing away things, primarily your favorites like the Clearpores Skin Cleansing System. Both of you have to act like two mature and grown up people. Sit down and express what you feel. While you say what you want to, it’s also essential that you lend your partner a patient ear too. Once you talk it out, you’ll feel much lighter and forgiving will be a tad simpler.

Spend time away from each other. Go away from your partner for a few days. This will enable you to think clearly. Things that earlier went unnoticed will come to your brain on their own. You must provide yourself and your other half some space. This time off will help you figure out if you’re even willing to forgive your other half or not.

Cry to your heart’s desire, if you are battling hard to forgive your partner. Quite surprisingly, nothing can comfort you more than crying your heart out. The more you cry, better it is for you. This ensures that you let go off all the pent up emotions.

It is best to stay away from excessive crying particularly if you’re battling acne. As you try to wipe away your tears, you are likely to rub your skin, leading to skin irritation which could in turn worsen the acne condition. You may solve the problem of acne using effective products like Exposed Skincare System.

Don’t live in your past. Though erasing all the past bitter and harsh memories isn’t a possibility, the least you can do is to try to evade them to the highest possible level. If you keep on thinking about the hurt inflicted on you by your partner, you’ll not be able to forgive your partner ever.

Dealing with such an emotionally taxing condition could take a toll on your physical as well as mental wellbeing. You may finish up deviating from your diet as a result of all the stress. However, with Dietary supplements like Dietrine Carb Blocker, you should be able to accomplish your weight loss goals sans hassle.

So, while it may be hard to forget and forgive the past hurts caused by your partner, you simply must make an effort to exonerate him/her if you want your life and relationship to go on.

Here are a few more ways to know about Dietrine Carb Blocker and Exposed Skin care System.

If you’ve been in therapy before, you know that it can be a life-changing process. If you haven’t, you may not be sure what to look for in a counselor or therapist. Either way, you may not know what questions to ask a prospective therapist.

Often before people begin therapy, they’ve tried just about everything else to make changes in their lives. But nothing has worked – at least not for very long. As the emotional discomfort turns to anguish, it’s not uncommon for people to ask themselves, “Why not try therapy? I have to do something to stop the pain.”

Unfortunately, when we’re hurting a lot, we typically don’t think clearly, and many people turn to counseling and therapy (whether for individual psychotherapy, couples counseling, or family therapy) without asking any questions of the prospective therapist.

But the truth is, there is much more to choosing a mental health professional besides lifting up a phone and making an appointment.

Asking the Right Questions

Almost anyone can call themselves a counselor, so choosing someone to work with based on this title offers no clues about the person’s credentials, schooling or integrity and almost no protection in the event you receive substandard service.

Titles, such as marriage and family therapist, licensed clinical social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist can only be used by persons with the corresponding credentials who’ve received specific education and training.

Furthermore, licensed mental health practitioners such as these should be members in good standing with their respective licensing bodies. Verifying this information will allow you to know something about the education and training the mental health provider has received and provide you some degree of protection in the event your receive poor or improper treatment.

That having been said, verifying a mental health practitioner’s license and qualifications doesn’t give very many details about their particular learning, competence and whether they’ll suit your needs.

The only way you can learn if a therapist or counselor is able to deliver the assistance you need is by asking them questions, such as:

What age ranges do you treat?

What problems do you work with?

What sort of instruction and certifications have you obtained?

How many years have you been providing therapy?

Have you been in therapy yourself?

How do you work with clients that helps them get better?

Do you participate in any professional groups?

Do you update your education and training?

You needn’t ask all of these – especially in a first session when you need a lot of time to talk yourself. But do ask them. And trust your sense of safety with the therapist in the first session. One of the most important determinants of successful counseling is the connection or “fit” between you and your therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable and safe with the therapist you’re working with, it will be nearly impossible for you to do the deep honest work necessary to heal and grow.

Beyond determining the credentials, experience, and expertise of the counselor and how comfortable and safe you feel with them, the therapist should ask several questions about you and your situation. They too should make sure there is a reasonable match between your personality, needs and goals and who they are and the services they offer.

The counselor will need to question you about what brings you to counseling, as well as about your family members and general past. They will also ask questions regarding your childhood, schooling, interpersonal relationships, intimate relationships, vocation and present circumstances.

Always bear in mind, even the very best therapists may not be the most effective for everyone, and no therapist can appropriately handle anything and everything. When considering a psychotherapist, have them provide an example of an issue that is outside the range of their practice, or they are insufficiently trained to treat. If they are unable to or will not reply, you’ve just eliminated a prospect. Every mental health professional should be willing to recommend other professionals upon request.

Where to Begin Your Search

To identify a counselor or psychotherapist that’s right for you, start out your research by asking a family doctor, clergy or any other qualified service providers you rely on for referrals.

You may also ask trusted friends or family, or you can search the Internet for counselors in your area. But be aware, an exceptional ad or Web page isn’t going to make a therapist skilled or experienced. Ask the therapist about their education and expertise directly, regardless of whether you obtain a recommendation from a reliable source.

Similar to determining any professional to work with, doing due diligence and making a thorough assessment about whom to use will increase the chance that therapy will meet your needs and allow you to achieve your objectives. You shouldn’t be self-conscious or frightened to ask point-blank questions… After all, your future health, well-being and happiness is at stake!

To learn more about counseling and therapy, visit Mark Tinley’s website on counseling and therapy in Pasadena, CA.

I’m jealous of my wife. There’s no reason for it. I know I’m going to lose her if I don’t quit.

Olivia was jealous. She could hardly stand it if another woman looked at her husband. Gavin’s comment to us was, “She’s even jealous when I play with the kids. Frankly, I just want to run, but I need to save my marriage for their sake. If I left, she’s do everything she could to keep me from seeing them.”

Olivia refused to go to a counselor or a psychologist, but she liked our books. Her husband Gavin hoped that we could help her make a change Gary was doing the same thing to his wife. Though she’d never been with anyone else, and although she made sure he was with her when she went anywhere and clearly was in love with the man – he was really jealous. It all came to a head when after church they got into a huge argument because she’d talked to a guy in their small group meeting. It didn’t matter that Gary had been there to see exactly what she had done. No, they hadn’t been talking about anything but the preacher’s morning message. Yes, when Gary walked up, she pulled him in close and put her arm around him.

But Gary’s imagination went wild. He started thinking of all sorts of things that his wife could have been talking about to the other guy during the first couple of minutes of conversation. He demanded to know exactly what had been said, why they were talking and what was said about him. His wife patiently answered the first few questions, but as Gary got angrier, she dissolved into tears, wondering what she had done to deserve this attack. She loved her husband but this had gone too far.

Jealousy is not love. It is rooted in fear. Fear is the catalyst for insecurities that create cracks in a solid marriage. Insecurity, in turn, results in possessiveness, and the need to control. Possessiveness and the need to control evidence themselves in jealous behavior. Jealousy will choke the life out of any relationship and can drive even the most devoted partner away, because it creates a prison – not just for the person who is jealous but his/her partner as well.

Jealousy is not love. It is rooted in fear. Fear generates insecurity. Insecurity, in turn, results in possessiveness, and the need to control. Possessiveness and the need to control evidence themselves in jealous behavior. Jealousy will choke the life out of any relationship and can drive even the most devoted partner away, because it creates a prison – not just for the person who is jealous but his/her partner as well.

If you’re a jealous person, and you want your marriage to survive, we’ll say it as bluntly as we know how – you need to do whatever it takes to get rid of the green-eyed giant. If you truly love your spouse and want to trust that your marriage is solid you can make a change.

Jealousy can show up in the lives of people who otherwise seem strong and in control. They seem to have a need to fasten an iron grip on people, jobs, ideas and attitudes and tighten that grip if anything starts to slip. They can crush the life out of the people and projects they are associated with by smothering them. Learning how to react in an acceptable and reasonable way is the key to solving serious jealousy issues.

Even gentle people can be jealous if they are insecure and fearful. Their jealousy evidences itself in dependency. Others soon tire of their clinging and feel suffocated by their possessiveness, so they find excuses not to be around them. Even the other partner needs to have support to make a change. Envy and jealousy can occur in your relationships with everyone. If you haven’t conquered the demon, you may be unkind toward your spouse’s relatives – especially your mother-in-law. You may even be envious of your husband’s or wife’s successes.

Jealousy makes everyone involved feel awful. It is like a cancer that gnaws at relationships. It’s ugly. The Substitution Technique; or shall we call it our Save My Marriage Technique can help you change the pattern. It’s essential because many marriages and relationships are destroyed by jealousy. Get rid of the fire spitting beast and safeguard your marriage. Before you drive your loved one any further away, download or send for our material.

You can save your marriage. Go to www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com. Get rid of jealousy. Our marriage saving material is exactly what you need.

Dr. Vance Hardisty International Speaker and Author Margaret Hardisty International Best Selling Author and Speaker Love Relationship Headquarters www.loverelationshipheadquarters.com

Save your marriage, Save your marriage today, and get separate help for men. Also published at Jealous – It’s Not A Loving Emotion!.

After you get married to your sweetheart, at times you might feel the first flush of love fading. The look in his eyes, the touch on your waist, the brushing of your arms and the warmth of his lips on yours might no longer bring to you the same intense emotions that they once did. How do you keep the tingling sensation and the deep in your stomach pit feeling alive?

Several women were asked about what makes them feel truly cared for. Most of them answered the small things in life like a guiding arm on their waist at a crowded place. Little things do go far.

There are several ways to keep the magic in your marriage alive. Appreciation works big time. Let your partner know how much you care and appreciate all the things that they do for you. Give them compliments about the way they look, the dress and the hairstyle. Let her know what a good homemaker she is, the way she handles the kids and stop being critical. If you have to criticize find the right time and place.

Spend as much time as you can with your partner. Do not let all the technological gizmos come in between the two of you. Do not allow the phone, television or the laptops distract you. Listen to what your partner has to say. Really listen and try and understand them.

All of us love presents and what better way to show your partner how very much you care for them. Go and buy them a handbag from Hermes replica handbags and watch the delight on their face. A handbag from Hermes replica handbags works fine as this is one gift that they will carry along with them always. On the other hand, no gift can convey, no love too.

If you like fashionable Hermes replica, then please do yourself a favor and enjoy Hermes replica handbags from RHP. You will love it!

In a News Release, a study showed:Statistical analyses … revealed that the more young adults play video games, the more frequent their involvement in risky behaviors like drinking and drug abuse. Young adults who played video games daily reported smoking pot almost twice as often as occasional players, and three times as often as those who never play.

I was doing my usual, prowling around the net looking for addiction information and was looking for info on internet addiction. While this study does not really talk about that…I found it intriguing. I just wonder about the interpretation. You read. You Judge. Here goes…

“A new study connects young adults’ use of video games to poorer relationships with friends and family – and the student co-author expresses disappointment at his own findings.

Brigham Young University undergrad Alex Jensen and his faculty mentor, Laura Walker, publish their results Jan. 23 in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence.

The research is based on information collected from 813 college students around the country. As the amount of time playing video games went up, the quality of relationships with peers and parents went down.

“It may be that young adults remove themselves from important social settings to play video games, or that people who already struggle with relationships are trying to find other ways to spend their time,” Walker said. “My guess is that it’s some of both and becomes circular.”

For the record, Walker did not stand in the way of her family’s wish for a Nintendo Wii. Jensen had hoped to find some positive results as justification for playing Madden NFL.

Study participants reported how often they play video games. They also answered a battery of questions measuring relationship quality, including how much time, trust, support and affection they share with friends and parents.

But the researchers say video games do not themselves mean “game over” for a relationship because the connection they found is modest.

“Relationship quality is one of a cluster of things that we found to be modestly associated with video games,” Walker said. “The most striking part is that everything we found clustered around video game use is negative.”

Statistical analyses also revealed that the more young adults play video games, the more frequent their involvement in risky behaviors like drinking and drug abuse. Young adults who played video games daily reported smoking pot almost twice as often as occasional players, and three times as often as those who never play.

For young women, self-worth was low if their video game time was high.

And despite heavy involvement with the research, Jensen does not admit the results to his own family. For now he holds out hope that future research will exonerate consoles or games designed for multiple players.

He’s also curious how video games may affect young couples. Nearly three-fourths of college-aged men in the study played video games regularly. By comparison, just 17 percent of their female counterparts played more than once a month.

“The gender imbalance begs the question of whether chasing a new high score beats spending quality time with a girlfriend or wife,” Jensen said.

Walker teaches in BYU’s School of Family Life. Her colleagues Larry Nelson and Jason Carroll are co-authors on the study.

The new study stems from Project READY, a broad effort looking at young people and the transition to adulthood. The project began in 2004 with an extensive survey of college students around the country. Researchers are beginning another phase of the project that will follow a new batch of students over time. Reports by Project Ready researchers have been published in academic journals such as Journal of Youth and Adolescence, Journal of Adolescent Research, Journal of Family Psychology and other peer-reviewed publications.”

It seems that a shared characteristic of people either in active addiction or early addiction recovery is that their relationships are damaged in certainly in need of repair.

Common advice given to people new in recovery is not to start any new relationships for the first year.  The rationale behind such advice is that until there’s a certain growth and maturity in recovery, most people new in sobriety lack the skills to effectively identify, own, and process emotions and feelings.  The ability to handle emotions and feelings directly affects the quality of relationships.

Here are some topics for discussion for you in your partner.  A major contributor to successful relationships is the ability to communicate.  Specifically, to communicate and understand important aspects of your partners goals and believes.

Take a look, I’m sure you’ll find some interesting discussion points here.

1.    How can we best nurture our support for one another?
2.    How will we communicate with one another on a daily basis?
3.    How dependent will we be toward one another and is it healthy?
4.    How can we give our mutual intimacy a boost in the relationship?
5.    How long do we intend our relationship to last for example, do we want to get married?
6.    How will we ensure that we respect each other’s rights in this relationship?
7.    How will we help one another “grow” in this relationship?
8.    How can we keep the fun in our relationship?
9.    How will we include others in our relationship without losing our support for one another?
10.    How should or will we approach problems in our relationship?
11.    How will we solve problems?
12.    How are we going to handle various differences of opinion?
13.    How will we handle irritation with one another and is it worth the effort?
14.    How are we going to handle fights and bring them to a healthy resolution?
15.    At what point will we seek help for ourselves if our fighting gets out of hand or will we even bother, for example will we seek counseling together?
16.    Will we agree to disagree?
17.    How can we ensure mutual growth in this relationship?
18.    How open are we to taking joint and individual responsibility for our relationship?
19.    How can we ensure that our individuality doesn’t get lost in this relationship?
20.    How open are we to being assertive in our relationship?
21.    How can we use our unique, individual personalities to help each other and our relationship grow?
22.    What steps will we take if one or both of us begins to feel smothered by the relationship?
23.    What steps are we willing to take if one or both of us has the need for mental health assistance?
24.    How are we going to promote each other’s physical health and will we be supportive of each other?
25.    What steps can we take to handle jealousy, a sense of competition, or resentment toward one another?
26.    How are we going to make time to do all the things we want to do?
27.    How are we going to arrange our schedules so that we can pursue our unique, individual interests and still spend quality time together?
28.    How free are we to pursue our distinct interests and friends?
29.    How committed are we to setting up long range relationship goals and short range objectives to reach those goals?
30.    How committed are we to setting up times in which we can nourish one another and keep our relationship on track?
31.    How can we structure ways to get the “required” relationship maintenance tasks.
32.    How can we delegate the maintenance tasks so that neither of us feels that we are doing too much?
33.    What place will religion, hobbies, sports, and outside interests have in our relationship?
34.    How important are those things to our relationship?
35.    Can we nurture our differences?

This concept of healthy relationships is clear, quick, and easily understood. Though the relationship concepts are simple they say so much.

Here You Go:

1. I can be me.
2. You can be you
3. We can be us.
4. I can grow.
5. You can grow.
6. We can grow together.

These steps are from The Struggle For Intimacy by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. She is a pioneer in the fields of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Codependency.

Adult children of alcoholics, (ACOA),  can often be identified as certain signs and symptoms. These clusters of traits often dictate somewhat unique potential problems in addiction recovery.

Janet Geringer Woitiz, Ed.D, is a pioneer in family systems therapy and is help to define the field of adult children of alcoholics. In her book Adult Children Of Alcoholics,pg.xxvi – xxvii, she identifies these signs and symptoms:

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. ACOA’s have difficulty following a project through from beginning until end.

3. Adult children lie what it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. They often have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. An ACOA often overreacts to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children constantly seek approval and affirmations.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13.Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing or loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

This article on bad relationships by Margaret Paul is one of the best I have found. In my opinion, there are 2 things people active in their addiction or entering early addiction recovery need help with are: feelings and emotions, and relationships.Many people in early recovery seek marriage relationship advice .

5 Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

By Margaret Paul PhD.

As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter relationships with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Here are some related posts on bad relationships from around the net:

Low self esteem is bad for your relationship – Low self esteem is not only dangerous for your health but it is also bad for your relationship. Self esteem plays a very important role on how you behave in a relationship and if you are suffering from low self esteem then it is more …

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A lot of abusers skirt boundaries with their victim. They do just … – Most women don’t learn that unless they’ve had to go through a bad relationship- so for that I’m glad. Not grateful- that guy was a creep- just glad I made it out the other side. I don’t know what motivates these abusers and I don’t …

Why Do Women Stay in Bad Relationships? – I never met a woman who didn’t readily admit that she stayed in a bad relationship too long. I have asked many women recently out of dysfunctional relationships why they remained in them even though they weren’t working. …

An enabler, unfortunately, many times is facilitating addiction through their well intentioned desire to help the addict or alcoholic.

How does this occur?

Consider the role of the addict; their intention is to continue the using behavior at all costs. What better way to continue that use than to enlist someone to ‘help’ him?

Without the enabler or codependent, the addict would have to start facing consequences of his actions, and that might interfere with use continued use. The well intentioned enabler, out of love for the addict will ‘protect’ him from consequences and himself.

I watched an episode of the TV show “Intervention” where a mother gave her son, living at home, in his mid twenties money for Heroin, drove him downtown to buy the drugs and back home so he could use ‘safely’.

She was afraid he might have uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms or get hurt in a dangerous part of town. That was one of the more dramatic examples of addiction enabling I have seen.

Are you lying, making excuses, and creating alibis for your loved one? These are signs that you may have crossed the line from helping into enabling addiction.

Enabling behavior usually starts out very slowly and gradually with trying to smooth things out with others outside the relationship or family. There is a desire to keep family secrets or not rock the boat. Part of enabling, just like active addiction, is denial. In the beginning the enabler will make all sorts of rationalizations and try to minimize the problem; ignore it and hope it goes away. This does not happen.

The vicious cycle of enabling and addiction works something like this. The chemically dependent person is being shielded from the negative consequences of their use. Since these consequences are not hitting home, they can continue to use, or increase their use even more. The ‘job’ or driving purpose in life for an addict or alcoholic is to continue to use. The emabler in trying to ‘protect’ the user, is simply facillitating increased use.

This means the enabler gets drawn even deeper into the web by having to deal with ever increasing chaos. The increasing chaos in the home can be just the excuse the dependent person needs to keep on using.

Where and how does the madness end? For the enabler, though there may be fear and shame about the situation, it usually ends in anger. The enabler typically tries to hold things together and keeps the mounting frustration and anger bottled up…until one day the explosion occurs. They opt out of continuing the excuses.

A more commonly recommended solution is ‘detaching with love’. This type of detachment will be dealt with in a future article.

Paradoxically at this point, with the rug pulled out from him, the user may encounter the crisis that will be motivation to seek treatment. Pain is not pleasant, but it is a wonderful motivator. People who seek addiction treatment usually come from one of two camps.

1. They simply get sick and tired of being sick and tired. They get worn out. More commonly is the second option:

2. A crisis occurs that hits them with the force of a 2 x 4 in the side of the head.

Being protected from crisis may simply be doing nothing more than preventing engagement in addiction treatment and delaying the entry into addiction recovery

These relationship boundary mistakes can block both communications and growth in your relationship. Do you know how to prevent them? Read on to find 4 important tips.

The ability to set relationship boundaries is a basic life skill or coping skill in interpersonal relationships.

Many people allow themselves to be imposed upon and even mistreated because of a poor self-image, fear of conflict, and uncertainty about their right to exercise control over their lives.

And, on the flip side, they can cause damage to others by not having a defined sense of self, knowing when to stop, and respecting others as individuals.

A boundary is really a limit, or a behavioral line which is established for protection and should not be violated or crossed.  The way in which you allow others to interact with you is governed by the personal boundaries you have established or defined in your life. The way you enforce these boundaries is the primary way you protect yourself emotionally.

Here are the 4 mistakes commonly made:

1. Not having a clear mind.

You must determine what is acceptable and not acceptable about the person or situation. Examine and express your thoughts and feelings. Setting boundaries is about setting limits and you must have a clear vision about what you want and do not want.

2. Not communicating those boundaries to people involved.

It may sound strange but many people will come up with boundaries, not make them known, and then wonder why they are violated. A common dysfunction in relationships is the idea of ‘If you loved me you would know what I want and give it to me’ or ‘You should know I don’t like that’. How would they know if you never tell them?

3. After communicating, ask for and listen to feedback.

After communicating, ask for and listen to feedback. Is your boundary realistic, did they understand what you were trying to communicate and why? Relationships serve the purpose of getting your needs met. Perhaps the issue had been festering on both sides and simply airing it out and being specific will be enough.

4. Not defending your boundaries.

Sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, your boundaries will be challenged. Firstly, stop what is going on, identify and name the transgression as soon as it happens. Do not store it up for later, risking growing resentment or ignoring it  ‘just this once’. That leads to inconsistency and a weakening of the limits you set.

By setting boundaries in relationships we are saying we will no longer be a victim of fate or at the mercy of a cold, cruel world. We can start getting some direction in our lives and relationships rather than letting those on the outside control us. It means taking emotional responsibility for ourselves and not taking on that of others.

By taking the time to sit and look at wants, needs, goals and desires, we can begin to move forward in the direction to get them met for ourselves, rather than relying on others, or worse yet, staying stuck in a rut of our own making. Seek marriage advice if needed.

Do you have any of these common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics? Reading these article will provide some answers.

Children growing up in a family where alcoholism is present learn survival skills. Unfortunately these solutions don’t work well as adults.

Alcohol use within the family affects all members, not just the alcoholic. Children growing up in this environment have a particularly difficult time.

Modeling is the most powerful form of education and they grow up seeing, and being taught, dysfunctional behavior. They see and learn methods of survival that may work for a child, but are then carried forward into adulthood where they are dysfunctional.

Here are 5 common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics:

1. They feel they must be in control of behavior and feelings at all times. This desire to control may be an overreaction to growing up in chaos where active alcoholism is present. This tendency to want to be in control at all times is grounded in fear. If all aspects of their life cannot be controlled, it will automatically get worse.

2. ACOA’s struggle with intimate relationships. Being intimate requires releasing some control and being vulnerable. This is difficult. Love is often expressed as rescuing people or trying to fix others problems, rather than being a partner. A survival skill growing up may have been the need to hide feelings and not express them for fear of consequences.

3. Perfectionism, heightened sense of responsibility. Children in alcoholic families learned that if they were ‘perfect’ they might get positive attention. In many cases whatever they did was not enough. Self-esteem comes from how they are viewed by others. They can be extremely self-critical, never attaining the ideal of how good they ‘should’ be.

4. A tendency toward compulsive behaviors. Being a child of an alcoholic increases the likelihood the child will become addicted to alcohol. It is also noted however, a tendency toward other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, disordered eating or addictive relationships.

5. Abandonment fears. I believe this stems from the learned uncertainty in childhood of not knowing what was coming next, a hug or a slap. Adult children often believe that any relationship, no matter how bad or abusive, is better than none at all. Often they will do anything to hang on.

There are many more identifiable symptoms and signs characteristic of ACOA‘s. Here us some supplemental reading from around the web:

Comment on adult children of alcoholics by CP – So having an alcoholic parent, puts you at greater risk. My mother was an alcoholic and having subsequently suffered my own addictions, I know that the trauma of watching her fight her alcoholism in my early years, played a big part in …

Adult Children Of Alcoholics – One of the best recovery tools for me at a time when I didn’t even know what AA or addiction was all about was an “Adult Children Of Alcoholics” support group I attended weekly for nine months. It was the single most important part of …

The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children – Woititz book “Adult Children of Alcoholics”. It has given me the knowledge to better understand the person I see in the mirror. At times, the book left me feeling emotionally drained. Please make an effort to completely read her book. …

Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics – World Service Org. – Sharing equally with others in the society of ACOA means never to be alone anymore. No bosses. No rules, No dues or fees, yet self-supporting. Just sharing, one day at a time with others healing in unconditional love. …

Crazymaking, Social Proof and Restoration to Rationality – Anonymous: Adult Children of Alcoholics: Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families, Torrance, CA: ACA World Service Office, 2006. Anonymous: Co-Dependents Anonymous, Phoenix, AZ: Co-Dependents Anonymous, 1995. Bandura, A.: Self-Efficacy: The …

Bad relationships, dysfunctional relatationships; ralationships are almost always damaged by substance abuse. If an addict wants to coninue to use substances, the last thing they want to hear is a loved one telling them to stop. This is why the deeper we move into addiction, the deeper we move into isolation.

Here is a well written article on bad relationships:

Are you Addicted to Bad Relationships?



By Alina Ruigrok

Do you often find that you involve yourself in relationships that disappoint you? Are you not getting what you need and desire from the people you choose to date? Does there always seem to be something missing?

So what are the symptoms of this addiction?

Ignoring the truth would be one. If you truly know that the relationship you are in is making you unhappy but make no effort to exit from it, then you are in denial and are holding yourself hostage in a situation you do not have to be in. Making excuses for your partners disappointing and bad behavior will keep you trapped and is another huge symptom of bad relationship addiction, especially if the excuses you produce do not back up the facts and are unrealistic. If you do finally build up the courage to confront your partner to leave him or her but are overcome with fear and therefore back off from the confrontation, you are a high and sure victim of addiction because no matter what you attempt, you find yourself always giving in and holding on to what you know is bad for you. Suffering from both physical and mental discomfort once broken up, unless you get back together, is yet another symptom of addiction and should not be denied or ignored.

What causes addiction to bad relationships?

There are several levels and everyones addiction is different and varies. One common reason is the feeling and belief that if you end the relationship, you will never find anyone else who could possibly be interested in you or love you. You grow so attached to your partner that you forgot your life before him or her, making you feel fearful of being on your own and taking care of yourself. Fear of criticism is another reason many people remain in bad relationships. They are afraid of what people will say, believing that ending a relationship means that they are a failure and being alone is unacceptable and terrifying. Other reasons may be financial support that you are receiving from a partner, making you feel that you should tolerate bad behavior from your lover, since they are supporting you. Having a child together can also blind you or cause you to deny a bad relationship, making you feel guilty for leaving your childs mother or father. On a deeper level, you could be addicted to disappointing and bad relationships due to your upbringing or experiences as a child yourself. Perhaps you were not nurtured or loved enough and you now think it is normal to be neglected from love, care and understanding.

What should you do and how can you break a bad relationship addiction?

Since this addiction is difficult and basically impossible for you to end on your own, counseling would be the best assistance for you. Find a counselor or service in which experts provide their services through, and take that first step in accepting the fact that you have an addiction and that you need and want help to conquer it. Start being a best friend to yourself and open the door to all the feelings you have kept locked up for so long. Stay focused and encourage yourself frequently by setting a goal, and picturing yourself away from all the disappointment and closer to all the happiness and good health you need, desire and deserve as a person. Never give up and know that you are not alone. There are people who can help you, know how to help and will help you. Mainly, keep in mind that there will always be a person who will be by your side and never leave you, always giving you the strength, love and support you need…and that person is YOU.

Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert for http://www.love-sessions.com helping those in need of dating, love, relationship, marital, sexual and other personal advice through e-sessions. About the Author Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert for http://www.love-sessions.com helping those in need of dating, love, relationship, marital, sexual and other personal advice through e-sessions.