Addiction Recovery Basics » Self-Improvement

Friendship In Addiction Recovery

Bill Urell — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 02:11:11 +0000

When actively using, you may have gotten used to loneliness or being isolated. It may be difficult to get back into circulation.

Making Friends in Addiction Recovery

Making new friends can be exciting or intimidating, depending on your personality and your circumstances, but ultimately it is rewarding. To meet new people who might become your friends, you have to go to places where others are gathered. The hardest thing about going out and doing anything in the community is doing it for the first time. It’s hard for everyone. Push through those hard feelings and go. Most of the time, you will be glad you did.

Don’t limit yourself to one idea or strategy for meeting people. The broader your effort, the greater your likelihood of success. Try several of these ideas:

Attend a support group, such as a 12 step group. Support groups are a great way to make new friends. It could be a group for people who have similar health issues or life challenges, or a group for people of the same age or sex.
Go to community activities like sporting events, theatrical productions, concerts, art shows, poetry readings, book signings, civic groups, special interest groups, and political meetings. Take a course or join a church. Let yourself be seen and known in the community. If money is a problem, consider going to your local library and looking in the newspaper for listings of free events. Spend time in places that are free, like a local bookstore with couches where you can sit and read for a while. You will have a feeling of connection even without any dialogue with others.
Volunteer. Strong connections often are formed when people work together on projects of mutual concern. When volunteering, you are already with a group of people with a common interest. You could help out at a soup kitchen, read to children in day care, visit people in nursing homes, deliver flowers in the hospital, or serve on a political or social action committee. You could bring snacks for the other volunteers and arrange a time to get together and eat with them for more social contact.

Some people use chat groups and other connections on the Internet as a way to make friends and to relieve loneliness. While this can be a good short-term way to connect with others, avoid sharing personal information and your phone and address with people you do not know well or whom you have not met in person.

Reaching out to establish a friendship sometimes happens simply and casually. At other times, it takes special effort. If you feel you need and want to take some action so a person you have met becomes a friend, you could —

ask the person to join you at a cafe for coffee or lunch, to go for a walk, or to engage in some other activity with you
call the person on the phone to share a piece of good news you think they might be interested in
send a short, friendly e-mail and see if they respond
chat with them about something of interest to both of you
offer to help the person with a particular task if you think it would be appreciated

Even window-shopping with another person can be good, especially if there is a theme, even humorous, like “I’m going to find something in the window I could wear to a Halloween party.” A woman in the focus group said she went window-shopping with a friend. They tried on lots of clothes that they’d buy if they had the money, and it was great fun.

Test the waters by proceeding slowly. The addictive mind tends to be all or nothing, hot or cold, black and white. As you both enjoy each other more, the friendship deepens. Notice how you feel about yourself when you are with the other person. If you feel good about yourself, you may be on the road to a fulfilling friendship.

If you have never had a close friend, you may have a hard time knowing when to take action that will allow the friendship to deepen. A friendship may be starting to get closer if you are feeling more comfortable with that person, you feel content and at ease when the two of you are together, and you feel disappointed when you and the other person can’t get together, but you don’t “fall apart.” You can be aware of how the other person is feeling when they are with you by listening closely to what they are saying, by noticing their body language and responses, and by asking them.

Don’t overwhelm the person with phone calls or other kinds of contact. Use your intuition and common sense to determine when to call and how often. Don’t ever call late at night or early in the morning until you both have agreed to be available to each other in emergencies (for example, one of you is sick or has gotten some very bad news).

Technorati Tags: friendship in recovery

10 Irrefutable Rules For Being Human

Bill Urell — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:26:08 +0000

I love lists, especially when wisdom is condensed down to simplicity and easy reading. Who could ask for more?

The credit for this list goes to Cherie Carter-Scot, Ph.D. If you like it, give her a Google.

Rules For Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but ut will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal scholl called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or you may think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, and experimentation. The ‘failed’ experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately ‘works’.

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then move on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. There is no better ‘there’ than ‘here’. When your ‘there’ has become a ‘here’, you will simply obtain another ‘there’ that will, again look better than ‘here’.

7. Others are merely a mirror of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make out of your life is up to you. (editors note: Add ‘with the permission of your Higher Power’, if so desired.) You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You will forget this.

Cherie Carter-Scot, Ph.D.

self-improvement

Technorati Tags: Self-Improvement

Is The Internet A Miracle Cure For Loneliness?

Bill Urell — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 22:04:16 +0000

By Royane Real

A few years ago a surprising survey discovered that people who spent a lot of time on the Internet were a lot lonelier than people who didnt spend much time on the Net.

This was an unexpected find because many people view the Internet and e-mail as a great way to make and keep connections with other people. So what is the truth? Does spending time on the Internet actually make people more lonely? Or did this study simply show that people who are already lonely spend a lot of time on the Net?

As happens so often, the technology itself is neutral; whether it is good or bad depends on how the technology is used. The day can fly by very quickly when you spend time on the Internet, whether you are looking for information, or visiting a chat room. Using the Internet, you can easily find people who share the same obscure interests you may have, such as raising Abyssinian cats, or studying Florentine tapestries. Through the Internet you can find another person who is struggling with an illness or problem similar to yours, and who understands exactly what you are going through.

The vastness and the speed of the Internet means you can hook up instantly with people on the other side of the world and have lengthy conversations with them about intimate matters you have never discussed with anyone else. The anonymity of the Internet can be a double-edged sword. You can feel safe revealing your innermost self to a total stranger because he lives five thousand miles away and you will probably never meet him. You might believe you can tell him your innermost thoughts, even those you cant tell your husband. You may feel encouraged and supported by a person you have met on-line in a way that you dont believe you are supported by any of the people in your everyday life. Your Internet friends may find it easy to offer you support and encouragement because they will never have to back up their typed words with any real action or commitment.

Talk is cheap, and supportive talk on the Internet may or may not be sincerely offered. Its true that some relationships that start off on the Internet will develop into long term on-line friendships that last decades, even if the two correspondents never meet in person. And in some cases these on-line relationships will also successfully transform into friendships in the off-line world. But the kind of interaction you get on the Internet lacks some of the most important aspects of a friendship–the interaction with a real live human person. You dont get to experience a friends face light up with a smile because he is happy to see you. You dont get to take part in shared activities, and develop a history together. You dont have someone put their hand on yours as you exchange confidences. You dont even know that your Internet friend is really who he claims he is! You dont know beyond a shadow of a doubt that anything your on-line friend says about himself is true.

Although the Internet is a unique and useful means of communication between people, dont use it as a complete substitute for live social contact. Balance your on-line activities with activities that involve meeting and interacting with real live people in your local community. Dont use the availability and ease of Internet relationships as an excuse to avoid some of the more difficult, yet ultimately more rewarding work of developing relationships with the people you already have around you.

About the Author : This article is taken from the new book by Royane Real titled “How You Can Have All the Friends You Want – Your Complete Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends, and Keeping Friends” If you want to improve your friendships and social life, download it today at www.royanereal.com

:Enigma- Age Of Loneliness

Internet Addiction: Real or Really Techno-Hysteria? – Part 3 – I would guess that it is here, at the nexus of suffering vs. acclimating via the Internet to social dysfunctions like phobias or social anxiety or loneliness, or shyness, that mental health workers may have a point. …

Technorati Tags: internet-addiction, loneliness

8 Tips To Help Stop Self Defeating And Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Bill Urell — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 07:30:05 +0000

By Bill Urell

I am a big believer in the idea that every action we take is done for reason.

1. What is your payoff?
What is it that you really get from self-defeating behaviors and attitudes? Is it negative attention? A reason to go back to using drugs and alcohol? Ask yourself What is REALLY going on here?

2. Avoid situations that trigger extreme emotional reactions.
Most people relapse back into addiction because of their inability to handle emotional stress. Extreme emotional reactions can provoke a drug or alcohol relapse. If you can’t avoid this situation, at least try to get a realistic perspective on it. Ask yourself How important is it really?

3. Take a look at your past.
Just don’t get stuck there. Try to identify where your belief system came from. Once you have identified where those defeating attitudes came from, let go of them. It is OK to acknowledge the past, but not to use it as an excuse to continue your behavior into the present.

4. Challenge staying in the victim role.
Again, in recognizing the past we’re not denying that bad things have happened to you. Try reclaiming your personal power by reframing your experiences as a source of strength. Not everyone has gone through what you have and survived. The process of growth in addiction recovery is about regaining self empowerment.
.
5. Stop blaming people.
Being the victim and blaming others, results in one particular sneaky, self destructive attitude. That is the attitude o fnot needing to change. Recovery is all about change, but, if everything is always somebody else’s fault, why do I need to change? In the victim role, it is poor me, look what they have done to me, I couldn’t stop it from happening, so I will be a perpetual victim and take no action.

6. First thought wrong.
Man, do I hate this one. My sponsor used to tell me this all the time. People who have a habit of self sabotaging have got to come to accept that they are never upset for the reasons that first come to mind. First thought wrong. We need to look at the underlying issues, again, ask the question ‘Whats really going on here?’ Sometimes we will take those negative thoughts and try to make them come true by doing something really destructive. We create a self-fulfilling prophesy.

7. We need to change the thoughts we have about ourselves.
Stop the negative self talk. Start thoroughly and rigorously questioning where your beliefs and perceptions are coming from. Don’t judge yourself as you’re doing this, become willing to letgo of those negative thoughts. Stop defending your right to be wrong.

8. Are you done suffering yet?
Just as this question is a key motivator to move from using drugs and alcohol into recovery, it is a prime motivator to start changing our self-defeating attitudes and actions. Nothing changes if nothing changes. How much longer are you willing to keep stepping on your own feet, tripping and falling down? Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to stop the pain.

Technorati Tags: Self Esteem, self-defeating-behaviors, self-sabotage

Improve Addiction Recovery Skills And Social Life With Better Small Talk

Bill Urell — Thu, 15 May 2008 05:58:47 +0000

One of the key elements to enjoying and growing in addiction recovery is being social again. I don’t know about you, but for me certain simple life skills are difficult. Things like making small talk, mixing in at social events are pretty awkard, if not downright scary at times. Here is a nice little article that addresses one of thise addiction recovery tools: small talk.

Improve Your Social Skills and Social Life With Better Small Talk

By Royane Real

If you want to improve your social life, it helps to improve your social skills.

And one of the social skills that you should try to master is the art of making small talk. Small talk is the name commonly given to the fairly predictable superficial chatter that makes up a large portion of our social encounters. Neighbors chatting over the fence, strangers speaking to each other in a grocery line, or workers talking at an office party will often engage in the exchange of fairly ritual, routine observations, comments and questions.

Often there is no intent by either party to take the conversation to a deeper level. Most of the comments and questions tend to be of a fairly trivial sort. For example, a person might say, “I wonder when this heat wave will ever end,” or “Thats a nice dress, where did you get it?” Other typical small talk dialogue might include basic questions like, “What do you do?” Or “How long have you lived in this neighborhood”?

Small talk often has a bad name. Many people dislike small talk, precisely because it is so mundane and trivial and predictable. It rarely touches on anything important. It does not lead you deeply into the soul of another. It is conservative and safe. You do not discuss really serious issues like world hunger, or the meaning of life, or the results of a recent scientific breakthrough. People who are very intellectual or very shy, and those who are socially rebellious, are often unable or unwilling to engage in this sort of chatter, which they consider meaningless and trite.

They long instead to have only intense, meaningful, and soulful exchanges about important matters. If this is true of you, if you have had nothing but contempt for the very existence of small talk, if you look down with disdain on all who engage in it, it is time to consider revising your opinion. Small talk, however despicable, however cliché, has an important role to play in initiating, developing, and deepening social connections with other human beings. Think of small talk as the oil that lubricates the wheels of social interaction. If you see a person regularly, you can use small talk as a way to gradually learn more about each other.

Small talk gives people a low-key, non-threatening way to exchange very basic bits of information with each other. Through these very tiny, safe, and cliché exchanges that each person offers the other, you can find out what interests you have in common, and whether or not you like the character of the other person. A complete inability or refusal to engage in small talk can severely limit the overall number of social relationships you develop.

Refusing to engage in some form of small talk will send out the signal that you are not a friendly person, or that you think you are too good to talk with others. On the other hand, the more often you engage in small talk encounters with others, the more likely it is that you will find people who want to move on to discuss some of the topics that are of more importance to you. Instead of refusing to play the small talk “game”, why not really make a game out of it? Decide to practice small talk strictly for fun and give yourself points for starting it and keeping it going.

Think of small talk as a skill you can develop, and practice working to become better at it. Do it everywhere, and do it often. Becoming good at small talk will eventually pay off and give you even more opportunities to talk about those things that really matter to you. You can actually learn to enjoy the light hearted, low key, small talk process, and you may end up liking many of the other people you meet along the way!

About the author: This article is taken from the new downloadable book by Royane Real titled “How You Can Have All the Friends You Want – Your Complete Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends, and Keeping Friends” Download it today at http://www.royanereal.com

Here are some additional articles:

Why You Should Seek Out New Relationships (I really like this blog and have contributed to it through the Bolg Carnival)

Lonely? How to meet young professionals like yourself

Technorati Tags: Addiction, Addiction Recovery, addiction recovery skills

Self-Love And Self-Approval In Addiction Recovery

Bill Urell — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 22:25:27 +0000

Sometimes in addiction recovery, self love is lacking. We can be merciless on ourselves. Take a quick moment and be gentle with yourself ladle some self-love into your soul. Here’s how:

1. Self love is acknowledging and recognizing that you’re OK.

2. Self love is trusting your judgment.

3. Self love is seeing yourself as neither better than, nor worse than, others.

4. Self love it is surrounding yourself with friends who care.

5. Self love is talking to yourself in a caring and gentle fashion.

6. Self love is forgiving yourself.

7. Self love is setting limits and sticking to them.

8. Self love is having fun without feeling guilty.

9. Self love is surrounding yourself with people who give you energy, rather than taking away.

10. Self love is developing sound intuition and following it.

That wasn’ t too painful was it? Enjoy your journey in addiction recovery.

Technorati Tags: Addiction, Addiction Recovery, self-approval, self-love

10 Tips To Help Improve Listening Skills

Bill Urell — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 22:53:32 +0000

by Bill Urell

A good communicator must first be a good listener. However, while listening is a skill that is rather easy to acquire, it is often the one skill that is ignored. There are several advantages to effective listening:

* It can diffuse a volatile situation

* It shows respect to the speaker

* You just might learn something

* It can lead to a revealing and interesting discussion

* It is just good manners

If you are lacking in the listening skills department, though, there are some things that you can start doing today to become a better listener. These ten tips will help you become a better listener and a better communicator.

1. Make and maintain eye contact

Maintaining eye contact is an indication to the speaker that you are listening, but keep it at a level that is comfortable for both you and the speaker.

2. Face the person with whom you are communicating

When someone is talking to you, you can at least face them and give them the courtesy of looking at them. This indicates to them that you are listening and it eliminates potential distractions for you.

3. Get rid of distractions

Turn off the TV, put down the book, close the door and pay full attention to your speaker. Distractions can cause you to miss vital things that are being said to you. You want to focus on what the speaker is saying to you and you don’t want to miss anything.

4. Let the speaker know that you are listening

Nod and give verbal acknowledgments appropriately. If you nod vigorously the entire time that the speaker is talking, it will distract both of you and indicate to them that you are not really listening at all. A simple, “yes,” or “uh huh” suffice.

5. Think about what the speaker is saying, not what you are going to say next

Many times it is a natural tendency to think about what you are going to say when someone else is talking. You may be formulating your rebuttal to what the person is saying. In doing so you will most certainly miss some vital information if you aren’t really listening.

6. Do not interrupt

You should not interrupt for several reasons. For one, you may only be getting just a part of what they want to tell you when you interrupt, two, it shows that you are not listening and three, it is just plain rude. If you have to grab a piece of paper and take notes about what is said, do it, and the address your concerns when it is your time to talk.

7. Maintain an open mind

When the speaker says something that goes against your beliefs, your mind may want to scream in protest, but try to keep an open mind and listen to their defense and argument. You just might learn something.

8. Ask questions to make sure that you understand

Ask questions to clarify what is being said. This way you can make sure that you understand what the speaker is saying.

9. Keep your body language neutral

Crossing your arms, putting your hands on your hips and turning away from the speaker are all indications that you are not listening, thus hindering your own ability to listen effectively. Keep your arms down at your sides and lean your body slightly in toward the speaker. This increases your listening ability and lets the speaker know that you are listening to them.

10. Realize that sometimes just listening is enough

Sometimes people just want to be heard without any response. Remember that it is OK to just listen from time to time.

Here some addictional sources from around the Web:

Listening skills, everyone?

Improving listening skills

Pay Attention: Improving Listening Skills

Improve Your Listening Skills

Effective Listening Skills

Enhance Your Listening Skills

Effective Listening

Technorati Tags: improve listening skills, listening skills

Resentment And Anger Management: 10 Tips

Bill Urell — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 22:42:11 +0000

by Bill Urell

Unresolved anger and resentments can definitely be a trigger for relapse in addiction recovery.

One of the necessary skills that needs to be learned is the ability to identify and process emotions in an appropriate manner.

Every one gets angry at some point in life, whether they are faced with an injury done to them, frustration, pain, or experience a failure in plans. This particular emotion also surfaces when an individual encounters conflict or has received criticism. Although, anger is a common emotion, it rarely solves any problems. Expressing this feeling in an inappropriate manner usually misuses energy and causes missed opportunities. In the long run, anger does not accommodate the best interest of an individual.

In order to overcome or better manage anger when certain situations or emotions arise, consider some of the following tips geared towards anger management:

1) Switch Positions

Depending on what has caused your anger, try switching positions to reevaluate the circumstances. Let’s say a person becomes angry because their roommate is taking too long on the telephone. Imagine yourself doing the same action. Chances are you have had your share of long conversations and if it isn’t an emergency, you could stand a couple minutes more of waiting.

2) Think of the Future

Some people physically react when they become angry. It is important to think of opportunity and assess how your actions will affect your future. A more relaxed perspective is usually attained when you question whether or not the object of your anger will mean anything in five – ten – twenty years.

3) Imagine the Worst

Simple annoyances can breed anger, but it is suggested to ponder the worst thing that can come out of the object of your anger. For example, if someone sped up to grab a parking space before you is spending a couple seconds more looking for a new spot or walking a little further really that much of an inconvenience?

4) It’s Usually Not Personal

Sometimes, those who have caused another to become angry have no idea that their actions have wronged another. If someone cut in front of you without saying, “excuse me,” they may have acted quite rude, but most likely they did not do it on purpose. Often times, they were in a hurry or simply careless and did not see you. Usually, they didn’t mean to cause you any harm.

5) Count to 10

Before you act upon or manage your anger, it is highly recommended to take a moment to calm down. A simple way to accomplish this is to count to ten before saying a word or physically reacting.

6) Breathe Deeply

Instead of counting to ten, some people have controlled their anger by taking slow, deep breathes. It is a known fact that deeply breathing from the diaphragm leads to relaxation.

7) Pace It Out

Another technique used for calming angry thoughts is to take a walk or pace about as you count, which helps to clear the head.

Visualizations

A good way to control anger is to think of “nice” thoughts, such as your favorite person in the world, the funniest thing that has happened to you, the love of your life, or a relaxing destination (such as a tropical island). As you visualize these thoughts, close your eyes and transport yourself to this stress-free location.

9) Avoid Venting Out

It is quite common to see people vent out their frustrations by punching a pillow or throwing objects. Studies show that physically “venting out” will only increase your stress and anger, as it feeds the emotion you wish to overcome.

10) Drink Water

Research suggests that drinking water produces a calming effect on the body.

On the whole, anger management is an art that takes a bit of practice, but when achieved you will appreciate the control you possess over one of the most difficult emotions to contain. It is suggested to start today, as you will come closer to improving your overall outlook on life. Remember that your success in addiction recovery could depend on how well you learn to manage your anger and resentments

Technorati Tags: anger-and-resentments, anger-management, anger-management-tips, resentments

How Many Of These 10 Crazy Making Ideas Affect You?

Bill Urell — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 21:25:10 +0000

I don’t know a thing about you, but I’ll bet at least a few of these ideas have crossed your mind, generated low self-esteem or disrupted relationships. Here are 10 irrational ideas that make people crazy, based very loosely on the work of Albert Ellis.

Crazy Making Irrational Ideas

1. If people knew me as I really am, not they would not like me.

2. You must seek and find love and approval from all the people you find important in your life.

3. When people act unreasonably and unfairly, you should blame them and see them as they are, bad or deficient individuals.

4. You must prove to others that you are a thoroughly confident human being. You must be a high achiever and perfect.

5. All your emotional misery comes from outside pressures. People ‘make’ you feel a certain way. You believe you have little ability to control or change your feelings.

6. “Should statements: You criticize yourself based on the ideas of ‘could have’, ’should have’, or ‘I shouldn’t have done it’.

7. Unless you worry about and agonize over a problem it will only get worse.

8. It is much more comfortable and easier to avoid facing life’s difficulties than to face challenges directly. Ignore problems and hope they go away.

9. You keep your past fresh, because something in it influenced your life, and past actions will keep on determining your feelings and how you behave today.

10. You need to be rich, smart, powerful and attractive to be happy.

Your next step? Take some of those ideas just presented and see if they are keeping you stuck in a dysfunctional relationship or generating low self-esteem.

Technorati Tags: crazy making, self-help, Self-Improvement

Getting It Together: The Link Between Emotions And Motivation

Bill Urell — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 05:14:14 +0000

There is a strong link between motivation and emotion that runs through our lives. This is link can work either by being able to motivate ourselves into feeling a different emotion, or by our emotions dictating how much motivation we have for a specific task. For example, if you are feeling tired, you won’t be feeling motivated to do something, even if it’s urgent or something you usually enjoy. Alternatively, if you want to do something but are feeling unwell or unhappy, you can usually convince yourself that you should do it; the motivation pulls you along and erodes the feeling that you’re ‘not up to it’.

Once you accept this link that exists between motivation and emotion, you can use it to help you achieve more with your time as it can help you overcome such things as procrastination or fatigue. Determination could be another word for motivation in the case of fatigue as it is your determination to do a task or activity even though you aren’t feeling 100% able to do it but you want to do it, so you motivate yourself into the right frame of mind and go do it.

If there’s something that you don’t want to do, then you need to convince yourself that you do want to do it, or you’ll procrastinate the time available away until there’s no time to do it. Convincing yourself isn’t always an easy skill, but acknowledging that once you change your frame of mind, then you’ll find it easier to carry out the task you don’t want to do, then you find ways of being able to tempt yourself into the right mindset and that’s basically what combining motivation and emotion is all about.

Offering yourself rewards for doing things you don’t like doing often helps with the motivation and emotion equation. For example, many women don’t like ironing but they reward themselves by watching a movie on TV as they work rather then just stand and iron. As they watch, they become more emotionally involved in the movie and the ironing gets done because the resistance to doing the task is removed by diverting the negative emotion and motivation to get the job done takes over. At work, you may have a task you hate doing, such as balancing your mileage or filing some paperwork, but the thought of bribing yourself with lunch at a favorite restaurant, or a new magazine, can help to change your attitude towards doing the task and bring together your motivation and emotion so that you can get through the task in half the time you’d take without the motivation to get it done.

Sometimes you’re just in the wrong frame of mind for doing something, for example if you’ve had bad news just before you’re due to go to a meeting, and the last thing you feel like doing is putting on a happy face and making an appearance. With motivation and emotion going hand-in-hand you know that once you make the effort to go out as planned, you will cope with the initial impact of the bad news better as you’ll have to put it on the back burner for a while then you can take it off later and look at it with a more balanced viewpoint this is far better than just staying home and dwelling on the news alone.

Once you understand that there is a link between motivation and emotion it makes find the energy to do things you don’t like much easier because you know that if you can put yourself into the right frame of mind, that you’ll get the task done and it won’t be half as bad as you’d thought it was going to be!

Technorati Tags: emotional-healing, emotions, emotions-and-motivation, motivation

Rate Yourself On These Measurable Signs Of Progress In Addiction Recovery

Bill Urell — Tue, 29 May 2007 21:48:41 +0000

It used to drive me crazy early in addiction recovery when people would say ‘Bill you’re just not getting it’. I wanted to know how you are measuring my progress in addiction recovery, and by what standards are you judging me and saying that I’m not getting it. I’m doing just fine thank you; I would be petulant and angry. Clear as a bell to others, I was talking the game but not performing.

On the other hand, sometimes I would see no progress at all, be about to give up, and people would say ‘You’re doing great.’ or worse yet, ‘You’re doing exactly what you need to be doing at this time’. That would drive me nuts. I was so closed in my own head, you’re telling me I’ve got the answer, I don’t know what the heck the question is.

Looking for some signs of progress in addiction recovery, evidence if you will or a r yardstick that could compare myself to became a goal. Here are some concepts which I used and you may want to take a look at to measure your progress in addiction recovery:

Have you cut off relationships with using friends for good?

Have you begun to set clear and practical, attainable goals for your life?

Does the idea of relapse scare you? What are you doing about it?

Have you developed your own methods to deal with craving that work?

Have you started to work hard at improving close personal relationships?

Have you become invested in the recovery process, and are you doing what has been recommended?

Is your opinion of yourself the same as others people’s opinion of you? Is your ego right-sized, neither too big or too small.

Are you able to present yourself as you really feel without putting on masks and hiding behind defensive walls?

Have you become open to growth, self improvement in recovery, and taken action to start that process?

Technorati Tags: Addiction Recovery, in-addiction-recovery

10 Simple Steps To Meet And Gain New Friends + podcast

Bill Urell — Thu, 24 May 2007 00:05:56 +0000

Perhaps you’ve just moved to a new town and you don’t know where to go to meet new friends. You want to gain new friends but are afraid to be turned down. There is a force within you that’s pulling you to talk to your seatmate but just couldn’t think of a topic to start a conversation or worse, you just cannot talk!These are just few of the conflicts that you can encounter in wanting to meet new friends.

Although it may seem so simple for some to gain new friends because they are endowed with natural connection, there are also those who are timid and are not comfortable meeting new people. Though the latter may be the usual case, there are simple tips that you can follow to gain new acquaintances and eventually, friends.

Listed below are 10 tips to meet and gain new friends:

1. First and foremost, you should evaluate yourself and examine the types of people you want for as friends. Decide if you want to be join people with the same hobby, sport, skill, talent, taste, age or gender as yours. Another strategy is to search out people with diverse skills who can introduce you to new things.

2. Always bear in mind that the person’s name is the most important and the most beautiful word one can hear. Uttering the person’s name 3 to 4 times or noting his name in a piece of paper can let you remember the name so that you can greet him the next time you meet. This can easily be a tool to strike a conversation.

3. If you just moved into a new area, put yourself out there in a position you can meet people. You can choose a mall, coffee shop, sports event or just about anywhere people meet. When in a bar, you can introduce yourself in a group by safe lines such as I just move to the area, can you tell me which places can I visit here? or Can I join you? I don’t know anyone here yet. Just keep the conversation light until you build the bond.

4. Pick an appropriate time to introduce yourself. Make sure that you will not interrupt them on what they’re doing. You don’t want to offend them by being too assertive.

5. Always wear a smile. Being and looking pleasant is the best way to show your desire to gain friends. A smile can brighten you up and can add to your personality. One warning though is don’t fake it! Fake and unnatural smile are always readable and will be a big turn off for other persons.

6. Be confident and be positive. Do not slouch when you’re walking or look at the floor when someone’s talking to you. Have confidence but just enough so as not to sound too boastful. Be courteous and appreciative of other person’s conversation.

7. Develop an eye contact and listen attentively. Do not look elsewhere when talking to someone because this may be offensive. Eye contact is one nice way of showing your desire to know them. Listen carefully; answer each people’s query in a polite and friendly way and ask questions as well.

8. Be interested! Finding a common topic to begin with is difficult sometimes but the common theme would be food, movies and sports. Show your interest in what others will have to say. You can empathize or present your views of the matter too.

9. Be yourself. Laugh if you want! Being yourself can be a test if the people whom you’re trying to befriend will like you. If they will not like you by your true self, chances are, they don’t really like you. Pretension is not a key to gain friends because eventually they will discover the true you. A useful tip therefore is never to do things which you don’t like. Go on and search for a circle of friends whom you can be comfortable with.

10. Although your prime purpose is to gain new friends, you should also look for your safety. Remember that you don’t know anyone in the place yet and it’s your first time to meet them. Give out your number only when you are really comfortable and not because you are being asked. Trust your gut feelings always. When you feel that there is something wrong with a person then move along.

While trying to win new friends it is also essential not to lose touch with your old friends. Attitude is always important to meet and gain new friends. Being natural, having fun and enjoying talking to someone new will always lead to a comfortable conversation which can lead to the lasting friendships you always looked forward to.

Technorati Tags: friendships, relationship-tips, Relationships, tips-for-friendships

Communication Skills for Relationships In Addiction Recovery

Bill Urell — Sat, 12 May 2007 04:20:43 +0000

One of the things that suffers when we are active in our addiction is our relationships. Almost by definition, someone who is active in their addiction is self centered in the extreme. This does not make for good relationships or communication skills.

Communication skills are the key to any good, healthy relationship. In addiction recovery the quality of our relationships is often determined by our ability to communicate accurately.

Here is a communication podcast that provides some communication skill building techniques.

Technorati Tags: Addiction Recovery, communication-skills, healthy-relationships, in-addiction-recovery

Communication Skills for Relationships

Bill Urell — Sun, 06 May 2007 02:34:52 +0000

Communication skills are the key to any good, healthy relationship. Relationships are all about the interaction of two people with each other, and the most basic form of interaction is communication. I’m sure we can all remember times when a misplaced word, a misinterpreted gesture, or a misread action led to a fight, or the worsening of an already bad situation. To that end, we have to be aware of the simple nuances in communication that can help us to keep our relationships running smoothly. Here are a few quick rules to follow:

Communication is a Two Way Thing – running off at the mouth is never a good thing, and often leads to the “foot in mouth” syndrome. Let your partner speak; if you intend to do all the talking, don’t bother with another human being, buy yourself a tape recorder or a mirror. On the other end of the spectrum, while it is true that you should be slow to speak and quick to listen, this does NOT mean you should let someone else take over a conversation and do all the talking either. It’s give and take.

Empathy is the Key - listen to your feelings. But more importantly, learn to listen to the feelings of the person you’re talking to. Empathy is a skill often lacking in “dense” people, who never realize when they’re hurting or offending other people. Put yourself in the shoes of the person you’re talking to; this is one of the biggest keys to excellent communication. This does NOT mean you need to be swayed by their emotions; it simply means you need to read what they’re feeling and act accordingly depending on what you’re out to achieve.

Learn to Read Body Language – a good partner to empathy is the ability to read body language and facial expressions. People often say as much or more with a raised eyebrow, an eye tic, a finger twitch, or a slumping posture than they would with mere words. By the same token, learn to use body language to emphasize your points and strengthen your statements.

Read Between the Lines – this is a difficult one to do but worth it if you can master the skill. People often leave half of their statements unsaid, and this is what you have to watch out for. They will often leave it up to you to make your own conclusions or take what they say at face value (at your own peril). A classic example of this is a teenager who says “Okay, I’ll do what you say” but then they think “…but I won’t like it”. Marital relationships can be especially messy for men simply because women tend to leave even more unsaid than we do. Learning to read between the lines can save your hide, trust me.

It’s not what you say it’s howyou say it – this is something a bit easier to work on than the other pieces of advice above. The tone and rhythm of your voice can dictate whether what you say will be taken positively or negatively. A statement meant to be helpful can come across as insulting or condescending if delivered in a certain fashion. Likewise, casual advice can come across as a snarled command or a “holier than thou” statement if you’re not careful to watch HOW you say things.

Don’t Jump to Conclusions - this is a very important factor in good communication. If you’re unsure about a certain point, try to clarify it with whoever you’re talking to. Misunderstandings are easy, so when in doubt try to make sure you got everything correctly.

Don’t be a Doormat - I’m giving this rule last because most of the other rules given above seem to indicate bending backwards and going out of your way to accommodate whoever you’re talking to. This is NOT true. The rules above are common courtesies that should be observed by BOTH parties. If you’re the only one observing them and the person you’re talking to is not, then the conversation isn’t worth your time or effort. Walk away and save yourself the headache.

We hope these communication skills tips can lead to happier relationships for you !

Technorati Tags: communication, communication-skills, healthy-relationships, life-skills, relationship-tips, sobriety-tips

Dumb Things We Say To Ourselves (podcast+transcription)

Bill Urell — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 03:23:13 +0000

Hi, my name is Bill Urell, from Addiction Recovery Basics and today I’d like to talk to you about messages that you give yourself. It may sound a little strange at first, but we all talk to ourselves. But what kind of message are you giving yourself to go throughout the day. Do you things like ‘I’m a loser’, ‘You stupid idiot’ and ‘why would anybody like me?’. If we repeat these types of messages to ourselves often enough they become true in our own mind. The fact is that once you learn these messages after repeating them over and over to yourself, you may have a hard time not believing They become generators of low self-esteem.

Words that often generate shaming messages are: should, must, and ought. If you’re saying things like’ I should’ve done better’, ‘I must do it perfectly’ then you are holding yourself to a very critical standard and that standard is your own.

A sobriety tip or skill that can be developed in addiction recovery, is changing the negative self talk into positive self talk. But first it is necessary to take a look at the patterns you are using. Challenge yourself. Are those messages in fact true? Probably not. If what you’re saying to yourself is something he would not say to another person, why are you talking to your self that way? What is the payoff for beating yourself up and being so hard on yourself.

Once you’ve examined some of the negative messages you’re giving yourself, the trick is to replace them with positive statements. You can work on changing your negative thoughts into positive ones by realizing that is only human to make some mistakes. Ask yourself how to important is it really? Do I have to do something about it right now? Repeating a positive messages to yourself over and over, and even out loud if needed. Program yourself in a positive way rather than a negative way.

One of the most difficult things for me still to this day is to accept a compliment for something I have done. This triggers old attitudes of low self-esteem, worthlessness and suspicion that someone wants something. To this day I have a mantra that I’ve developed that comes out automatically when somebody pays me a complimen. I simply say ‘thank you that makes me feel good’ then I shut up and leave it at that

Changing negative thoughts you have about yourself into positive ones takes a lot of effort and repetition. If you persist you will find yourself believing the positive thoughts instead of the negative ones. After all in addiction recovery, we’re working to overcome our past and move forward into the future toward peacefulness, self-esteem and serenity.

Technorati Tags: in-addiction-recovery, life-skills, Self Esteem, sobriety-tips