These relationship boundary mistakes can block both communications and growth in your relationship. Do you know how to prevent them? Read on to find 4 important tips.
The ability to set relationship boundaries is a basic life skill or coping skill in interpersonal relationships.
Many people allow themselves to be imposed upon and even mistreated because of a poor self-image, fear of conflict, and uncertainty about their right to exercise control over their lives.
And, on the flip side, they can cause damage to others by not having a defined sense of self, knowing when to stop, and respecting others as individuals.
A boundary is really a limit, or a behavioral line which is established for protection and should not be violated or crossed. The way in which you allow others to interact with you is governed by the personal boundaries you have established or defined in your life. The way you enforce these boundaries is the primary way you protect yourself emotionally.
Here are the 4 mistakes commonly made:
1. Not having a clear mind.
You must determine what is acceptable and not acceptable about the person or situation. Examine and express your thoughts and feelings. Setting boundaries is about setting limits and you must have a clear vision about what you want and do not want.
2. Not communicating those boundaries to people involved.
It may sound strange but many people will come up with boundaries, not make them known, and then wonder why they are violated. A common dysfunction in relationships is the idea of ‘If you loved me you would know what I want and give it to me’ or ‘You should know I don’t like that’. How would they know if you never tell them?
3. After communicating, ask for and listen to feedback.
After communicating, ask for and listen to feedback. Is your boundary realistic, did they understand what you were trying to communicate and why? Relationships serve the purpose of getting your needs met. Perhaps the issue had been festering on both sides and simply airing it out and being specific will be enough.
4. Not defending your boundaries.
Sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, your boundaries will be challenged. Firstly, stop what is going on, identify and name the transgression as soon as it happens. Do not store it up for later, risking growing resentment or ignoring it ‘just this once’. That leads to inconsistency and a weakening of the limits you set.
By setting boundaries in relationships we are saying we will no longer be a victim of fate or at the mercy of a cold, cruel world. We can start getting some direction in our lives and relationships rather than letting those on the outside control us. It means taking emotional responsibility for ourselves and not taking on that of others.
By taking the time to sit and look at wants, needs, goals and desires, we can begin to move forward in the direction to get them met for ourselves, rather than relying on others, or worse yet, staying stuck in a rut of our own making. Seek marriage advice if needed.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Relationships when one is recovery can be very difficult if one isn’t ready for them. Some may use a relationship to replace what they are missing from being active in using. One has to be truly comfortable and stable in their recovery to be able to be successful with any type of relationship. It is important to create boundaries to keep yourself focused on staying healthy and active in your recovery.
Oh this article cleared up my mind. I know now that we have to put some boundaries to ourselves to have our dignity intact. Listening and understanding our spouse will make our relationship work. Giving them respect is one way to earn respect from your partner.
Very good article. I have a friend that I will be passing this on to. She will find this very helpful for a current situation she is going through. I personally think that each person should carefully read this article before getting into new relationships with people as it will help them to know what the boundaries of each relationship can be.
Relationships are important to be maintained. They must have some boundaries to be checked. one must know how to behave to his parents, brothers, lover and so on. One must have a clear mindset about their levels of communication. Respect the relationship first of all. Do not have any premedited thoughts.
I too think that having a relationship when you are in the recovery process has to be the hardest thing imaginable. Setting the boundaries will help the couple drastically but also if you set the boundaries from the beginning who knows, that relationship might be what will keep you from relapsing in the future.
I heard a great quote once about boundaries and recovery: ‘an alcoholic without boundaries is a resentment machine’ … just thought sharing it might help someone out there. I surely do not have a great understanding of boundaries at 19 months sober, but I do try.