I was asked to give a lecture on addiction and relationships to about 70 patients in an inpatient treatment facility.
I asked the group to shout out emotional states or consequences of their active addiction while I wrote their responses on the board. We developed a list: isolation, guilt and shame, anger and rage, financial consequences, legal issues, poor health, abandonment, loss of morality, dishonesty, divorce, and cheating. at this point I ran out of room on the chalkboard.
Having developed at that list I asked who was having problems in their relationships, virtually all hands went up. It was pointed out that of course, why would you possibly think that you would not have problems, look at what you were bringing to the relationship. Look at your emotional contribution. I pointed to the list. The silence was deafening.
A person who is active in their Addiction has one self-centered goal in mind, and that is to continue using drugs and alcohol. If someone close to them points out the fact that they are hurting themselves and others around them the natural thing to do is to put up walls insulating themselves from the message. The addict will continue to use the relationship as long as it promotes his ability to continue alcohol or drug use.
Referring to the list we have generated previously I asked how many people continually picked ‘ losers’. Many hands were raised. It was respectfully pointed out to take a look at what kind of person would be attracted to somebody who had all those issues going on in their life. What a catch! It only stands to reason that if we wish to free ourselves from addictive relationships, we need to concentrate on cleaning up our side of the street by engaging in sound Addiction Recovery principles.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
i was married twenty years when i learned that my husband was a severe alcoholic and crack addict. our relationship included many of the negative influences listed above. i didn’t realize that it was due to his addiction. i knew i was miserable though. my life was good except for my marriage. i am not codependent or an enabler. i’m not a “loser”. it took me 5 minutes to kick him out when i learned he was an addict. we were divorced just over a year later.
i did a cost benefit analysis and it was too high a cost! crack was the last straw.
Its true that most of the relationships break because of an addicted husband for drinks. This is too bad because it will not be too late for their son or daughter to take the wine mug on seeing them. One should have the self control. Anyways relationship plays a vital role in bringing back the person to a normal life.
In order for any relation to succeed there should be total elimination of addiction. Should there be any instant of any addiction he or she can take pain in bringing that person back to the rail. I have gone through the response by one of our member which say’s she kicked him out of her life. Its not so easy . When someone whom you love and have been living together. I personally feel she should have been waited rather than taking such a drastic step.
Unless you have a mega strong partner who is willing to put up with almost anyhting then I guess most relationshipos are going to breakdown when faced with an addiction.
.-= lynne@Wines in Worcester´s last blog ..Welcome =-.
We may hardly think of some connection between the two pure words “relationship” and “addiction”, however, when we connect the two words with facts in the real world we can easily understand that addiction is one of the worst enemies of relationship. For example, many marriages are destroyed because one of the couple becomes addicted. Thus, if people want to make their relationship strong and steady they’d better be careful not to become an addict.