Sexual Abuse Recovery – What to Do & What to Avoid – If Your Partner is a Survivor

I became involved with a woman and we had a difficult time with our relationship. I found out after a time, she was the victim of physical abuse and stalking in the recent past. I went to the local women’s crisis center to find out what special considerations may be involved in dealing with past abusive relationships. I did not want to create more misery for the lady. Here is an excellent bullet point help list for understanding physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

By Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD
The recovery process for physical or sexual abuse survivors requires a multifaceted therapeutic process, facilitated by a professional who is trained in mind, body, spirit healing. Traditional therapy is not effective for physical or sexual abuse recovery.

WHAT TO DO:

• DO learn about abuse aftereffects and the healing process. 
• DO use and encourage the Survivor to use empowering language. 
• DO help the Survivor make choices. 
• DO validate feelings. 
• DO encourage therapy for the Survivor, and possibly yourself. Separately and together. 
• Do learn and practice effective communication techniques. 
• Do learn and practice assertive communication skills. 
• DO learn and practice time-out skills. 
• DO respect boundaries and limits. 
• DO communicate openly about sexuality. 
• DO allot time and resources for the healing process. 
• DO learn to play. 
• DO allot time to be together. 
• DO allot time to be apart. 
• DO serve as a healthy role model. 
• Do blame the offender(s), NOT the Survivor. 
• DO plan for crises (including possibly suicidal thoughts). 
• DO be honest about your feelings. 
• DO acknowledge progress in the healing process. 
• DO reinforce strengths of the Survivor and the relationship. 
• DO believe in the Survivor and in the healing process.

WHAT TO AVOID:

• Avoid taking the Survivor’s outbursts personally. 
• Avoid being a martyr. 
• Avoid isolating yourself, even though, the Survivor is. 
• Avoid humoring the Survivor into cheerfulness. 
• Avoid insisting the Survivor forgive and forget. 
• Avoid overwhelming the Survivor with your own anger/frustration regarding the abuse. 
• Avoid making pronouncements regarding a “cure” or insist the Survivor hurry the healing process. 
• Avoid setting timetables or give ultimatums to the Survivor. 
• Avoid giving the Survivor your version how s/he needs to heal.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, If I’d Only Known…Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, is noted for her pioneering work in verbal, physical and sexual abuse prevention and recovery. http://www.gen-assist.com/book.asp