I was doing some research on a report I am writing concerning shame and how it affects people in addiction recovery. It was tough sledding for me because the more I read about shame the more things started to strike home. One of my issues has always been abandonment. I have been abandoned by a lot of care givers in my life and in a number of intimate relationships. It got to the point where I refused to engage in any relationships at all, and became lonely isolated and withdrew into alcohol and drugs.
I did not think shame was an issue for me.
Then a funny thing happened, I went to a 12 Step meeting tonight and the topic of discussion was fear. The woman who was speaking had a point of view of the world where she was never satisfied. She wanted everything that everybody else had. At first, I could not relate to that because my position was that I wanted to be left alone don’t go near me. You don’t care about me and I could care less about you and what you had, never mind wanting it.
Now my thoughts got jumbled lot and I was thinking about fear, I was thinking about abandonment, and I was thinking about shame. This all swirled up and I got this insight about myself.
What if my reluctance to get close to people and forming relationships is founded upon my fear of abandonment? Why should I get close to somebody because history teaches me that as soon as I do they leave? Now the part that I never identified was the shame.
Shame is basically defined as feeling defective at the core. It’s not I did that thing it’s I am a bad thing. I wonder if somewhere along the line I internalized the belief that I was not worthy of having somebody care about me or having close relationships. That shame based attitude would be sure to generate fear. As soon as somebody tried to get close to me. I mean my experience says that people getting close = Pain.
I don’t know if any that made sense for you, and maybe I’m just talking out loud. But somehow it seemed to link three or four significant things in my life. Fear, shame, abandonment, and the desire to stay isolated. Somehow I think that I have recognized a key component in my recovery. Now the question is what I do about it?
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Hey, dude. I know what you’re going through. I was abandoned in a relationship myself in my mid-sophomore year in high school. This girl I deeply loved at the time – we had a strong love relationship for 8 months, from late freshman year to mid-sophomore year. I deeply loved her. But when she told me at the end that she cheated on me for some other dude, I was so angry and regretful that I didn’t want anything more to do with her.
Then near the end of sophomore year, she contacted me that she wanted to talk to me after breaking up with her new boyfriend. But when that day came to talk with her about it, she told me that her boyfriend wasn’t the same as me, that she wanted to come back to me. But I said, “Go find a different guy, I see no reason for me to trust you again whatsoever. If I had to choose between you and a bitch, I’d choose the bitch.”
Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to be done with her, but think about it: If I gave her a second chance at a relationship, it’s like giving her a second chance to betray me again. Then I felt the same way about any other girl that I liked. So any girl I liked during high school, I stopped liking.
Anyhow, I know that feeling: the feeling that you feel inadequate for the person you love, and that once they leave you, you feel like you aren’t capable of loving another person.