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admin at: I remember waking up in the morning. My first thought would be shit, not again, not the fact that woke up with a headache and feeling sick, but the fact that I woke up at all, again. I knew that I was in for yet one more day of doing the same thing over again. I would then look at the ceiling and if there was ceiling above me that was a good sign if it looked familiar that was better sign because it meant that I made it home that would take a walk around my apartment. I would try to piece together the night before by scene were my clothes and up and whether rate kicked in the front door again. Wake up, work, get messed up, black out, pass out. That was my day each day every day.

I remembered the crushing in inevitability of repeating the same thing over and over again. I had given up my driver’s license 10 years before when I had my first black out and smashed my Lincoln Continental. I figured I would not take a chance on hurting somebody in a drunk driving accident, so I tore up my driver’s license for 10 years. When I eventually got help, it was not because my addiction to drugs and alcohol was so far advanced it was more of intense loneliness and pain. I just wanted somebody to listen to me.

Out of desperation, I called an old friend of mine I did not know it at the time, but he was a drug and alcohol counselor. He did not mention that to me but suggested that I go to this agency in town where they had free counseling. He told me they would listen to me. The only trick was I might have to take a test or two before they would talk to me. So I showed up bright and early the next morning with to sharpened No. 2 pencils ready to take the test. After less than five minutes of conversation the lady pulled out all these brochures and spred them on the desk and asked if I was willing to go to a hospital and a rehab. Once I found out that legally no one could know where I was, the idea of 28 days, away from everybody with a roof over my head, three meals a day and just hanging out sounded good. I never really considered the idea of giving up my drugs and alcohol.

It is now 15 years later, and I have not picked up a drug or used up call since I entered rehab. Sometimes it is been a struggle, but all in all, my life is changed so much for the better. I found a way to put meaning in it now. I am comfortable with who I have become.

I sincerely hope that anyone who is contemplating a life of recovery persues it with all their heart. The rewards for me and for millions of others have been outstanding. It is not question of ability, everyone has it within themselves to do this we just need a little help.

I have never regreted that decision to stop using, and hope when they leave me 6 ft. under it’ll be with some dignity and respect and I will be sober at the time. Wishing you all the best of life and all that has to offer.

Bill
gus roth at: i have been struggling with the sixth step–like what exactly do i need to do. my therapist said to look at my fourth step, and be sure i am ready/willing to ask god to remove all the character defects i had recognized. selfishness, fearfullness, shame–hell yes i want to get rid of them. still i pondered. then today i went to a meeting, and guess what the topic was? the sixth step, of course, and i got some more insight. just make progress, the veterans said. take a daily inventory, and get a little better every day. i sat there and thought about monica sweetheart, my favorite porno star, and then it sort of dawned on me. no more porno, god. deal?
Dave at: I used to struggle a lot with this step, still do sometimes. I usd to think I, by myself could remove my character defects. As you can guess, it was an exercise in futility. We have to become sincerely willing to take different actions. Our problem is many of us are members of the “great thinkers society”.We need the strength of a power greater than ourselves often times to do that, just like we needed a higher power to remove our compulsion to drink or use. If you don’t have a copy of the “Little Red Book”, I highly recommend it. The oldtimers used to use it a lot. I go to a mens priority meeting every Wed, it really breaks down the steps in detail. Hope this helps. Thanks – Dave
admin at: The Unity of Alcoholics Anonymous
Richard Singer

Throughout my journey of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous, miracles have come to me in abundance. The promises have astoundingly materialized in every element of my daily life and the rewards of sobriety are beyond what my imagination could have ever visualized or dreamed of. I was miraculously given a chance in my life to live with a genuine passion for my career, my family, my friends, and humanity as a whole.

Recovery has provided me the opportunity to discover my true self, which was hidden by alcoholism, and bask in the bliss and enlightenment of each present moment that I am given. I can give and not expect anything in return, I can accept other human beings for who they are, I can love and be loved, and most importantly, I don’t have the need to pick up a drink to face any challenges that the universe places along my daily passage in life. Alcoholics Anonymous has given me a life abundantly filled with honesty, love, acceptance, and passion.

As you may sense by now, I am filled with gratitude and sincere appreciation for all of these gifts bestowed upon me, however there is one attribute of AA that overwhelmingly outweighs all the others. This characteristic provides a foundation for personal as well as universal evolution; this part of AA that I speak of is the UNITY and HARMONY that the program offers to me and all other human beings involved. AA offers an environment of non-judgmental acceptance, equality, unconditional love, and tranquility consisting of a unique and diverse population of human beings. AA does not discriminate and does not apply the intolerance of exclusivity that institutions in our society know too well.

We are all welcome with open arms and compassion whether we are black or white, Christian or Buddhist, rich or poor, young or old, as well as the other biases that haunt the world. AA is a microcosm of what an ideal and peaceful universe would look like. It is a humanity-based exemplar and innovative society that has the capacity to change the course of human beings lives. Our world can profit from the example set by Alcoholics Anonymous.

My revelation concerning this incredible gift that AA has to offer came when I recently took a position as a therapist in the Cayman Islands. (Yes, recovery brought me to paradise) I landed on this small island knowing nobody and knowing little about the culture. The only thing I knew is that this was on my path to successful living and I was coming here to help other human beings. It was quite a fearful adventure, until I walked into an AA meeting. I entered the meeting and immediately felt like I was a home, I belonged, and I was right where I was meant to be at this point in time. This small church on the waterfront was my sanctuary that would give me the gift of meeting a diverse group of individuals that were there to help me stay sober a day at a time. It truly touches me and provides me with hope and gratitude, knowing that I can go anywhere throughout the world and be welcomed with open arms into my harmonious family of AA.

These significant characteristics of AA keep me coming back; the atmosphere provides me with a model of the world that I have always dreamed to live in. Hopefully, the societies and cultures around the globe will take some helpful pointers from AA’s philosophy and begin the new evolution of humanity. Thank you Alcoholics Anonymous and all of the warm, accepting, and enlightened souls that work a recovery program on a daily basis.

Copyright 2006 Richard A. Singer Jr.

About the Author Richard A. Singer Jr. is a practicing psychotherapist living in the Cayman Islands. He is formerly of Pennsylvania and has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and is currently working on his Doctorate Degree in Psychology at Saybrook Graduate School and Research Center. His daily inspirations have been included as part of Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul, from the best selling Chicken Soup series. His own recovery from addiction and depression impassioned him to help others find courage, determination and peace, and has made what some would call “work” the love and purpose of his life. To learn more about Mr. Singer and explore updated information, visit his Web site http://www.yourdailywalk.org or E-Mail him at RAS9999@aol.com. In addition, please join the him for down-to-earth interactive discussions about the suggested monthly readings, daily quotes, meditations affirmations, and journaling sections of the book on his Amazon.com Blog.
Dave Harm at: Through years of drinking, my children had learned to “play the game.” Let Daddy yell, let him scream, he may even hit us. But soon, he’ll pass out. They knew my pattern and they knew I’d wake up, feeling guilty for the shame I had unfairly dumped on them. They also knew, they had “earned” new shoes, or new clothes, or whatever they could hit me up for. My guilt was so deep, whatever they wanted I’d give them. Then the game changed. My sober time, became less and less, while my violence increased. It became a new game, they didn’t want to play. In the past, they lived in fear, realizing a “reward” would come. But suddenly, they just lived in fear. There were no more rewards. They became scared of me – their Daddy.

To be honest, I didn’t care. I had my booze, and I believed that I was still a good Daddy. They had food in their stomachs, a roof over their heads. They were lucky to have a man like me in their lives. It wasn’t till my daughter told a school counselor how evil I was, that I was able to see the destruction I had caused. It was the first time, I was able to see someone else’s pain, besides my own. I had reached a point where I couldn’t imagine life with alcohol, but I also, couldn’t imagine life without it. By far, the loneliest place, I’ve ever been.

Sadly, at first, I didn’t quit drinking for my children, nor myself. I quit to stay out of jail. I did everything the courts told me to do. As I went to counseling and AA meetings, the message began to sink in. I was an alcoholic.

What turned the corner for me was an AA meeting on the definition of alcoholism. People recited their beliefs and ideas on how they became alcoholics, and it made sense. As the meeting was close to ending, an “old-timer” said that an alcoholic is someone whose drinking had shed a tear. That was it. Drinking was suppose to be fun. But, my drinking, had shed many tears. I could fill, dozens of five gallon buckets, with the tears I have caused.

That night, I quit drinking for me. I quit drinking for everyone who had ever met me and would ever get to know me. No one would live in fear of me again. That was ten years ago, and I’m still sober.

But in those ten years, my children still don’t trust me. But, that’s OK. Someday, God willing, we will be reunited. And when we are, I’ll be sober. For now, I find comfort, in knowing that they can live their lives, without fear.

©2005 Dave Harm

About the author – Dave Harm is a published author of two books, “Damaged Merchandise; Poems and Stories of an Alcoholic Addict,” and that books prequel, “War Zone, Backing Out of Hell.” He was featured in the governments’ 2005 National Recovery Month program. Harm writes a weekly poetry column for the Beatrice(NE) Daily-Sun newspaper. Besides writing about addictions and co-dependency, Harm writes about his experiences of being a caretaker for a cancer survivor (his wife.) His poetry on addiction was used to help usher in “National Recovery Month in Asotin County in the state of Washington, while his poetry on cancer has been used at various American Cancer Society events throughout the United States, as well as Canada. To view more about his works and to learn more about Dave Harm you can visit his website http://www.daveharm.com or you can e-mail him at dave@daveharm.com The above article was written in 2005 as a newspaper editorial. Harm is now nearing the end of his 12th year of sobriety.
David Deller at: I hope this is not inappropriate here, but I couldn’t find anywhere else to ask. I wasn’t sure where to go on the website. I have been told I have codependency issues. I’ll try to explain.

Several years ago my sister was found dead [she, by the way, was alcoholic. My relationship to her is probably relevant. I'll try to acknowledge that below].

When her body was discovered, the medical examiner, after the autopsy, was convinced she had died from assault, i.e. a homicide, and put this in his official report. The police, without mentioning this fact [they were aware of the very strong suspicions of the M.E. the first day], made a concerted effort to convince the family that there was no reason to suspect foul play, and told us to dispose of the body. Subsequently, the District Attorney told us the M.E. had never used the word “homicide” [it was in his official report], and the M.E. concluded that “no criminality had contributed to her death.” When I learned the truth about this lie, I went ballistic. But I had no money, and in any case, when I sought SOME possible help, the city Bar Association refused to refer me to a lawyer [where I inquired was in Philadelphia; the venue of the death was in a town just across its county line, Bensalem, Bucks County, PA]. I went everywhere I could find for assistance, but found none [the PA Attorney General, non-profit agencies, others]. Ok. My question follows.

A good friend of mine told me early on [shortly after the "closing" of the case] that I was acting like a codependent alcoholic. I was incensed. He told me I could do nothing about it, and should move on, and quit acting this codependent role.

I did begin to drink myself after this, a fair amount, and some months later was arrested on a DUI and went to jail.
After this happened, my pastor said, “Well, you’ve played the martyr routine”; it was presumably time for something else.

My difficulty with this was that neither party, nor many many others, would acknowledge the seriousness of the perpetrated injustice, would express virtually no solidarity with me. This seemed actually worse than the original offense, and fueled my already existing outrage.

The “codependent, martyr” comments seemed like a version of “blaming the victim.” Bad things happen – get over it. I couldn’t believe it. But their observation I have not [completely] rejected.

I did take on a rather wild identification of some sort with my sister. Perhaps drinking is one indication. The desire to defend her, to great lengths, could be seen as a sort of unhealthy dependency, after a point. I was somehow obsessed with this thing.

I heard that codependency is, I don’t know, an attempt to meet or have met all needs from one other person. Perhaps someone can help me with this. I also read that the “enabler” is usually the closest one in the family to the “addict.” I was certainly closer to her than anyone else, and seemed to take her death harder than anyone else, expending enormous efforts to bring light to what had been done to her, up to 7 years after her death. But it’s all over now, finally [the authorities escaped, essentially, as most stated they would. Was I wrong, therefore, to make the extensive efforts I did? I prayed for all these people, have tried to forgive them, still try to pray for them.]

But I do wonder: would others consider me in any sense “codependent?” In that sense, did I have an unhealthy relationship with her? Were my friends right about me?

Perhaps it is too hard to understand, or answer here. There’s more I could say, I guess. Still, I do wonder what others would say. I’ve never really been able to find anything very similar.

Thank you very much.

David Deller
Dave Harm at: Hi Dave -

WOW – a lot to ask and a lot to answer. The Serenity Prayer preaches of acceptance. Not only the events around us, but also ourselves. There are numerous 12-step groups which can help – CODA, EA, Al-Anon.

If you really want to learn what’s going on “within” you need to reach out – you started with your post – now take the next step and go to some meetings.

Best of luck,
Dave Harm
“Creating dreams, from the nightmares of hell…”
Roxy at: I was looking in the forum section of a gratitude site and someone said that the 12-step program is a lesson for “life” so I went to a 12-step site and saw “dry drunk syndrome” clicked on it and was surprised to find that I completely fit the syndrome traits. But I’ve never been an alcoholic or dependant drug user. My parents were both big drinkers and I partied a bit in the USAF. So I say to myself “So that’s what wrong with me!” It makes me want to just keep my mouth shut and go stealth thru life. Anyway, now I am on a DDS discovery trip.
Roxy at: OK – Dry Drunk Syndrome – I’m not a drunk, I’m not a drug user. What’s next? I would like to get help for my negative and emotional chains but where to go? AA? Therapy? it’s not like I’m regresssing back to drunk behavior. There’s not much data on the internet about how to get better. So what’s next?
Bill Urell at: Roxy,
If you have identified things you want to change, the next step is to determine is it time to change them now? If so get a workable plan inplace to make some changes and then implement them.

Where to you get a workable plan? Counseling, self help groups, authoratative (no quavks allowed) self help and self improvement books.

The dry drunk syndrome is notable in people with addiction because addictive thinking often involves a black and white, all or nothing approach. They have little balance.

If you notice some symptoms, I encourage you to make some changes.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Bill
Rebecca Green at: Nice site. I am on my tenth month c+s and am struggling right now. I am proud of my accomplishments, but I am still only human. Any advice anyone?

Rebecca In Eugene, OR

Age 32
Rebecca Green at: I came to terms with my addiction in December of 2006. I found myself sleeping on a mattress in my mother’s living room taking 750 vicodin, norco perceset, anything I could get my hands on and watching “LOST” all day. What a life, huh? I went to treatment in December 2006 and spent 42 days at “Genesis Recovery Center” in Central Point, Oregon. Those 42 days were a turning point in my life. I was away from home for the first time in a new city and didn’t know anyone. Not knowing what or who to expect. But the other residents and the residents to follow soon made me feel welcome. My time there was gut wrenching, nauseating, honest, and eye opening. They have a wonderful staff and wonderful residents to boot. With 11 months I am still struggling but I am taking it one day at a time. I am learning the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Rebecca Green at: I am not having the greatest of Thanksgivings.:( I am REALLY HURTING right now. Would anyone like to talk? Family Feud’s and all you know. This time of year brings out the most nasty behavior in my family.:( I can’t visit the local hospital because I have been banned from my psychiatrist from the psych ward and it is too late to call the on call psychologist, so I am going to have to bite the bullet……………………………… I am going through major withdrawl, and triggers.:( I don’t know if I can do this or not. “To live, or not to live……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
amy at: I am an addict trying to recover. i have 4 days clean and is so scared for tomorrow which is my payday. i dont want to use but then again i do want to use. does that make sense? I am tired but am i really tired. Its a struggle within me to do the right thing. i am determined to make it 5 days clean. i made it 5 hours i know i can make it 5 days. any comments or inspiring testomonies to help me get through this?
Bill Urell at: Amy,

I can identify with that bone tired numbness…just tired. The deal is a payday, your friends, your job whatever, nothing can “make” you use. It is your decision…and it sounds like you have decided not to use.

As for being maybe yes, maybe no on quitting. You have how many years of using vs. 5 days of quitting? Of course you will feel a pull backwards…but maybe the using has stopped working for you. Or have you not suffered enough?

Now the next decision is are you willing to get help to support the decision you have already made. My sponsor used to tell me ‘Bill, there are 2 ways, your way, (painfully alone) and the easy way, (with the help of others), just once in your life why don’t you not try this alone?”

Bill
jennifer at: amy
today is my 18th day clean. i never dreamed 18 days ago i could make it this long. my only answer is to go to meetings and ask for help. get a temporary sponser just to help you and give you someone to talk to. each morning get up and pray to your higher power to help you make it through this day without using. i snorted cocaine for 7 years and smoked crack for the last 3 years. these actions have helped me greatly. i wish you the best in this struggle and i will pray for you. jen
Michael at: I am a drug counselor in a clinic in Knoxville, TN. I am looking for materials I can use and put into hands of my clients to help prevent relapse and provide information and hope as they seek recovery.
Bill Urell at: A real good bet is Hazelden’s bookstore:

http://tinyurl.com/e2hce
ScottKiloby at: Hello all:

My name is Scott Kiloby. I have a website at http://www.kiloby.com. Long story short: 20 years of drug addiction here. Got clean. Entered into a 12 step recovery program. It worked to keep me clean but it sent me on a long spiritual search for myself. The search itself involved obsessions, seeking, not knowing who I was, constantly reliving past memories, constantly looking to the future for fulfillment that never truly came, and totally missing the present moment (the usual stuff an addict goes through even after recovery).

Through present moment awareness, life changed radically. I am now confident that enlightenment is the best way to escape the horrors of addiction. If you are interested, visit my site at http://www.kiloby.com
Yelena at: Hi. I have written a simple book of poems about my boyfriend’s 20-year battle with drugs because he was horribly abused as a child and how i found a way out through a whole lot of soul searching, hope, love, faith and of course, forgiveness. I wanted to share a copy with you but to whom may I attention the book to and what would be your mailing address. If you could please let me know. Thanks so much for your time. Yelena
David at: I don’t drink, I don’t use any kind of drugs, but my life feels totally out of control. This past year, I’ve learned that addiction is a family disease.

My wife’s problem with Lortab began with a double mastectomy and tram flap breast reconstruction. She has an extensive medical history, including a previous Lortab addiction following the amputation of three fingers and six toes.

In the months following her mastectomy, I watched helplessly while her addiction consumed our lives. Soon, she found a handful of doctors and several pharmacies who unwittingly fueled the disease with a steady supply of nearly 200 pills per week.

I was powerless — or at least, I felt that way. Confronting her begat lies and angry, irrational behavior. Each intervention attempt brought days of unpredictable mood swings, some of them life-threatening. Unless I came up with a safe, sure-fire plan of action, a misstep could cause more harm than good.

She missed more work days than not. Our finances fell completely apart. My income was barely enough to pay our bills; it didn’t cover gas, groceries, and certainly not out-of-pocket doctor appointments and prescriptions. I juggled bills and skipped “unnecessary bills.” Bill collectors began calling several times a day, so I stopped answering the phone unless I recognized the number.

I thank God for the ER physician who suspected trouble three weeks ago. A pain management specialist assumed her case and uncovered the whole picture. He called all the others and put a stop to the extra prescriptions (I hope).

Now, both of us are in recovery. My wife has been clean for four days, and we’re talking openly about her Program. I realize that I have a lot of healing, too. I was hurt by all those lies, the stress of worrying about her health and our financial trouble. I’m seeking other family members of addicts who can relate to my experiences and share their support.

Your prayers and resources are most welcome.

– David
Bill Urell at: Thank You David,

You certainly have my prayers and best wishes for a full recovery for both of you and your relationship.

Unfortunately, many people become addicted to presription drugs after being introduced to them for legitimate medical reasons. It is an astute doctor who will pick up on it. Most don’t. Far too many physicians have little training in addiction.

Bill
anonymous at: Personally, I have been addicted to one specific drug; marijuana. However, I have seen people addicted to alcohol, and they are similar if not the same addiction. There are all the excuses on why it is okay, you name it, it has been used. The “drug” takes effect on you, and it eventually takes control. You reason with yourself and others, but in the end nobody is fooled. But fooling anyone os not the point. A person, for whatever reason, comes to deped on a “drug” for escape. It does not always mean forgetting, but rather dulling. Just enough to get by, and stll function day-to-day. I work at a professional type type 5 days a week, and not a person there knows that I struggle with addiction. Nor do I want them to know. They would surely judge me and forever think I was untrustworthy, no matter that I have always done my job just as well as any other person there. Us “professionals” need help too, but where do we go? We are not willing to risk or job or reputation to get help. Yet we cannot do it on our own. I/we need to find another way, because without our jobs, we would be worse off. Yet, wothout our addiction of choice, we feel we cannot cope. We do not want to be judged, just helped.
Rob at: Hey all,

I’ve been in recovery for a few years, but my journey started almost 4 years ago with a suicide attempt. I simply could not stop using cocaine and didn’t know how to ask for help.

Back in ’06 I went into a treatment center in MD and was helped by a friend who sent me a daily text message with a recovery ‘action’ when I got out. I started forwarding it to others, and within a month I was sending it to over 40 people and I would hear from them when I was late or forgot them that day.

An old friend and I built a system to deliver these messages, along with others from best-selling authors. One highlight of our journey was gaining a private audience with His Holiness the Dalai Lama, him blessing us as ‘Messengers’ and then agreeing to a partnership.

I don’t want to bog everyone down with details but am happy to talk about my story. We’ve just been featured in Newsweek which is fairly exciting and someone suggested getting into the blog world to share and learn of others’ personal stories so here I am!

Rob
http://www.newsweek.com/id/134304
Bill Urell at: Thank you, Rob for your story.

This addiction recovery blog started out a day at a time a post at a time and now reaches 12,000 to 15,000 per month. I was looking for addiction recovery info and all I got through the search engines was glorified ads for treatment centers. I wanted to provide info to enrich those alredy in addiction recovery.

Bill
Rob at: Thanks Bill, I’m def gonna keep coming back. Heard that one before?
Danielle at: When learning about addiction most people’s first thought is alcohol or drugs or gambling and sometimes food but my case seems to be slightly different. Unusual and unsettling but I am learning more and more everyday I’m not the only one with this type of disease.

Since I turned sixteen I noticed I wasn’t quite like most of the other students. I was shy but I began to border the first signs of a withdrawn state caused by a deep sadness not even I could really understand at the time. Most of my friends from my last school hadn’t followed the few of us who decided to go to a city school.

Adjustment issues just added fuel to my whirlwind of emotions. It was at this time I fell head over heels for a guy. Mind you at this point I was a pretty sheltered child. I’d never seen weed in my entire life at that point but hell I barely knew what sex even was at this point.

I never really put myself out there to find out what all these things really were. Even if I had though I know I probably would have felt like I do now about the topics.

My self-esteem spiraled downward in high school. As a freshmen, most of the ones I knew anyway, you long for some kind of acceptance. All I really wanted in high school was to belong somewhere anywhere. It didn’t work out that way though. I was an outcast to the popular crowd, to the band nerds, and even to the other outcasts.

To be honest, at this moment in time I look back and I understand full heartedly why I didn’t fit. It was kind of like putting a ten year old in a class of eighteen year olds. There wasn’t much I could have in common with most. I made few friends that stuck by me but while they cared I knew they didn’t know me at all.

Dating this guy though was when I first noticed the problem. We spent a year making each other miserable. He tried…he really tried but I’d get so angry and he never could find out why. I became so paranoid around him. I accused him of cheating on me time and time again. My jealousy was running my life.

Finally he couldn’t handle my roller coaster of emotional outbursts anymore. We separated and after a year of dating I realized I had a dependency problem. When he left I attempted suicide. However, eating a large portion of sleeping pills didn’t kill me as I hoped for but instead I laid in my bedroom floor tripping.

I felt abandoned and so alone that I couldn’t leave the house without taking the sleeping pills to stop the heartbreak. My mother started noticing her pills kept disappearing but she really didn’t put two and two together even as my behavior got hostile when the pills were all gone.

I knew what I was doing wasn’t going to fix anything but it seemed to make the pain more bearable. Now you’re probably thinking, ‘you said your addiction wasn’t drugs.’ Well, it’s not really, even if my mother believes it to be the drugs fault.

It’s easier to blame an inanimate object then to face the truth. I don’t blame the drugs because I made my decisions and while I pay the consequences for those actions I still can’t blame anyone/anything but myself.

A year later I could tell it was only getting worse. I met a girl I ended up dating but that didn’t take me too far. I treated her horribly. She wanted to help so badly but after a while of using a drug to numb the pain it starts feeling like you can’t function without it. I quit my drug abuse for a while when I was with her though. I replaced the drugs with her.

She didn’t want her future to be this way though. From a distance all she could do was watch when I got back on the drugs. When she left I started taking twice as many of the sleeping pills to avoid taking credit for all the pain I caused her.

At this point I felt like I was pretty far from ever recovering so when I met Andrew I really felt as though it couldn’t get any worse then it already was…that things had to improve from then on. Well never say never…I spent four years by his side.

I became almost obsessed with him. He had given me what I thought to be purpose in life. To this day I look back on all those promises he made for our future and laugh. He didn’t mean one word he spoke.

Hell, we were young though so we took life by the balls and partied as hard as anyone can in Tennessee. One day when the pain got to me I took sleeping pills and he saw through it. He pretty much looked at me and said, “If you’re going to do pills you should do DXM it’s a lot better then those.”

He was kind of right. While the pills took away emotional pain they also caused me to constantly dry heave, sometimes vomit, I was always incoherent on them is many ways. I couldn’t understand anything anyone really said and communication was defiantly not happening. If I started to talk the words always died in my throat. I’d forget what I was even going to say within seconds of thinking of what to say. I was like a zombie.

When he got me to try DXM at first it felt like the sleeping pills and I set back kind of arrogantly thinking I knew what I was dealing with. Then it felt like I was drunk. After throwing up everywhere everything seemed so beautiful. Everything was so amusing and fun while tripping. I think Andrew realized what he had done right after he’d even told me about them.

I wanted to do it everyday. He told me about people getting psychosis or brain damage or pretty much a lot of bad shit but I didn’t really care. When he was sent to a rehab facility the last couple months of our relationship I became devastated. I hadn’t noticed how much I depended on him being around to help talk me out of my issues and heartache.

While he was gone I ate so many pills and just laid in bed crying while writing to him. When he got back I thought this would be a new life for us and I thought everything would be normal again. All the promises he told me meant so much when he was locked up but when he got home they all turned to absolute shit. While locked up he promised the sun, moon, and stars…promised this wonderful new beginning without drugs…he just failed to mention that this beginning had nothing to do with me.

Oh it had something to do with another girl in the bed we shared time and time again but it didn’t have not even one thing to do with me. He could have had the respect for me to have told me of his whoring around sooner and not have made me witness it. I couldn’t really say much because when we first started our relationship I lost my virginity to an old friend of his. At least he knew who my infidelity was with… this chick came from nowhere.

I don’t blame her though…for all I know she knows nothing about me and I’d like to keep it that way. I don’t want to know her but if she makes him happy more power to them. I didn’t believe it would take such a toll on me though.

I had nightmares; sometimes still do, of him in that bed with that girl. I wake crying sometimes…sometimes I just wake up and vomit after getting to see that memory forever carved into my heart. Oddly enough he always wondered why I had commitment issues well now he should know why.

I was addicted to him. I was to a breaking point I couldn’t get away from. At one point I even thought I didn’t care if he screwed around I just needed him to be there. Sometimes I even thought we could be friends. I don’t think he gives one shit about me though. I came to this conclusion because every time I ask if he wants to talk or whatever he ignores me and promises to call me later…you can imagine that the phone call from him will never come. I lie to myself and try to give every excuse for why he couldn’t call or come over but I’ve run out of excuses.

I knew for sure I defiantly had a problem as well when I finally broke to a level no one could possibly go. My heart broken…my trust abused…the loneliness…I’m not sure what caused me to go to CVS that night but whatever it was I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. In Tennessee you can only really buy two boxes of DXM without pharmacies tipping off the law because of the number of meth lab explosions. So I went to one CVS then drove across town and bought one last box.

After eating three boxes of DXM I cried and decided to finally just say screw love…every time I decided to let my guard go and let someone in my heart it back fires and I was tired of being the ass of everyone’s jokes. I was done being used and I was done fighting for a love that didn’t give a shit about me.

An hour later I was conscious but not aware of anything. When I’d get high half of one box got me wasted so imagine what happened when I took three whole boxes. Somewhere along the line a friend of mine came over. At first he said I seemed just messed up but when they all started taking affect I had a seizure.

The result of the seizure was me busting my face on a table in the living room. Almost a full week went by before I became aware of anything. When I did come to though I looked around confused. Is this hell? Am I dead? A girl in a recliner next to me laughed.

“You wish, you’re in Woodridge…mental health clinic. You tried killing yourself and when you were stable enough they brought you here and you haven’t moved since then. You told me everything a day or two ago. I’m your room mate.”

This whole thing wouldn’t have been so bad in my eyes had I not of been an employee of Woodridge. Embarrassed but worried about my parents I vowed never to risk my life for anyone or anything even if it related to my dependency issues.

Some days seem so much easier then others but looking back on my near death experience I realized while Andrew might be gone if this hadn’t of happened I’d of never learned the great lengths my family, friends, and (mind you I’m not a very religious person) even people from my church were willing to go for me.

Addictions are quite hard to stop…even I used to say after this time no more but you cant really do that. I even to this day avoid pharmacies because I know that ‘after this slip’ I’ll condone another slip and soon you go back into a circle. When you get into this perpetual cycle you start telling yourself I can stop anytime I just don’t want to or well I’m sure after so long of sobriety I’ll be fine to do it now. Sadly life isn’t like that. It’s like rewarding a person in AA for being sober for however long with a case of beer.

I’m not cured…I may never be cured and eventually it will take a toll on my body if I don’t stay ‘sober’. An addiction weather it’s a lover, drug, hell it could even be a food…no matter how you look at it…its unhealthy. I try to learn from my mistakes and I want to be able to give others hope.

My mother used to tell me you have to crawl before you can run, you have to really study to learn, hell you have to prepare for almost everything in your life but nothing I can teach you can prepare you for how heartbreaking it is to see someone you love involved in unhealthy behavior. Family or not everyone has someone out there that care for them.
Life is harsh but it could always be a lot worse…I keep that in mind when I get depressed and think of relapsing. I hope I could help anyone who might not have realized their own addiction or their dependency to others.
Carys at: I don’t have an addiction, per se–at least not in the traditional sense. But I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder/Social Anxiety Disorder, and its affects have become somewhat of an addiction. It’s a pattern that’s very difficult to break from. I won’t do anything I’m the least bit uncomfortable with, I get physically sick thinking about it. I have to have every last detail planned out. Going out, I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking about how ugly I am. So I just avoid it, because it’s really too much for me to handle. It spreads into eating habits too.. I’ve gone from binging to barely eating at all. So far, I haven’t found anything that helps.
Bob at: I am looking for some natural ways to get rid of Drug Addiction
Michael Syngkon at: RECOVERY – WHAT IT MEANS
By Michael Syngkon

Twenty Five years! A quarter of a century is a long time to have been enslaved in alcohol dependency. The brutal truth of alcoholism is that it affects the entire physical, physiological, social and emotional aspect of the person. Along with it families and societies are entangled within circles of despair, confusion and unhappiness. We know too well the cost in society to health and wealth and family life due to alcoholism. Many drink to be sociable, from fear of saying “no”, to escape from themselves or to escape from an intolerable situation. Some others drink to relax or increase their appetite and yet, for reasons unknown these behaviours are both accepted and condoned. Shockingly, these same people who are so in the grip of this habit are later on labeled as sinners and weak-willed or lunatics by the same society. This has proven to be a futile exercise to avoid responsibility or to blame or to sweep the problem under the carpet. In fact, every alcoholic at one point or the other desires freedom from the bondage of this habit. Today, with the advance of medical science and the like researchers seem to agree that the etiology of alcoholism or addiction to any substance is multifaceted and highly complex. One cannot pinpoint any one factor correlated with addiction. Many do agree that realise that change is urgently needed or else things would get worse. I entered Kripa Rehabilitation Centre, Mumbai on that fateful day with a fundamental need to recover from the threshold of alcoholism. There within the four walls of the rehabilitation I listened to experience sharing, took part in discussions, identified from Counsellors and gradually I began to derive strength from honestly and unhesitatingly sharing my own past experiences. It was then that I learnt that alcoholism was a disease which is progressive in nature, starting with that single experiment of “just once and forget it forever”. Parallel with alcoholism also progressed my character defects and emotions like anger, resentments, envy, guilt etc. The time in treatment also helped me identify the different types of alcoholics – those born with genetic disorders towards alcohol, others who acquire it as a result of drinking habitually and the third, the most unfortunate, are those who had drinks thrust upon them, as a result of some traumatic event in their lives. Whatever be the views, the fact remains that I am one whose life became unmanageable after that first drink, which ultimately brought damage into my life.

The motivating factor in the rehabilitation was the spirituality of the programme. The AA Big Book among the few prescribed books immensely fed me with a lot of spiritual values. The personal recovery stories contained in the book were a source of inspiration and hope. The book taught me how to get sober and how to handle sobriety. Gradually I learnt to relate to people which earlier I could never do without alcohol. I have learnt to deal with frustrations that once would have sent me right to the bottle. In Kripa I have also come to learn that it is not so much how to stop drinking but rather how to stay stopped. God forbid, I may never again have to deal with drinking, but instead how to deal with sobriety on a “one day at a time” basis.

After 5 months in rehabilitation, I returned home with one resolution – to give part of my time to Kripa Counselling Centre in Shillong and share what I have gained to the still suffering alcoholics, be it in their homes or those who may come to the centre. The message that I carry to them is, not sitting in judgement, but to help them understand their illness and to what extent it is affecting them. It is often said that “when one alcoholic has planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again”.

One year later, I was designated as Counsellor of the Institution. Looking back, the past twelve months were a period of joy, peace and tranquility shared with my family and relatives. Part and parcel of my work at Kripa were conducting visits to hospitals, jails, mental hospitals, homes etc. There were, during such trips conditions of contradictions, disagreements and humiliations. Also there were episodes of anxiety and helplessness at work when the few who came had been grim and some utterly hopeless cases.

Inspite of countless hurdles, there slowly began to be successes with both types of alcoholics – the milder ones and some potential drinkers. Younger folks appeared, people showed up at the Centre – those who still had jobs, homes, health and even those with social standing. It is important to remind myself that helping others is the foundation of my new found life. I pray to God “not to let me forget that I was once like them”.

In addition, there were experiences of conflicting and competing demands on my time, energy and talent. Sometimes wrecked by indecision and plagued by confusion, I realise is not so much of discontentment but a sliding back of trust in God’s leading. Recharged with this realization and living sober in the present moment, I say ‘no’ to all dark and fearful thoughts about the future. It is imperative for me to understand the deep meaning of today’s reality without forgetting yesterday’s history, and to courageously face the mysteries of tomorrow. It is needless for me to spoil the present moment with anxiety but rather I should anxiously plan for the future with confidence.

With the passage of time, Kripa Counselling Centre was upgraded to a De-addiction-cum-Rehabilitation Centre in May, 1998. More staffs were appointed and the work was fast expanding. With the team spirit mingled with compassion and love we were able to go outward and beyond with the ultimate aim to bring about a change in the hearts of those who have fallen prey to addiction. Amidst these activities and by the Grace of God, I was able to undergo many training programmes on counselling, rehabilitation, HIA/AIDS, etc. to equip myself with skills and techniques in this field of work. Many such programmes were either conducted by the Ministry of Social Justice & Empowerment, Delhi or the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime.

In May, 2001 I took over as Project In-Charge with more responsibilities especially documenting the activities of the Centre. Fear of failure, of incompetence, of being talked at gripped me in the beginning. But with the undying ardent enthusiasm and zeal to reach out to the suffering brethren all fears disappeared and kept me going. Kripa has taught me that “setting aside time for prayer and a quiet reflection makes a great difference. Also, to acknowledge that we are not merely recovering alcoholics but ministers of God’s compassion and mercy”. This has since been my inner source of strength and wisdom.

Only 2 years later, I was requested by nonetheless our Founder and Managing Trustee, F. Joe Periera to take over as Project Director of the Shillong Centre. “This I do not deserve,” I told myself. I prayed to God for clarification and the thing happened – there was a deep reconciliation within that God must have planned what is to happen. With a deep sense of gratitude to Fr. Joe I accepted the offer in all humility. Without doubt, I owe my everything to God who has graciously lifted me from ‘nothingness to a fulfilling life’.

The work progressed and I know I must work as though everything depended on me and pray as though everything depended on God. There are many who still have to be blessed with the gift of sobriety – could be in my family, among relatives, friends in the neighborhood or even the stranger lying on the street. At such instances, when I see such people I am reminded of my recovery and how God wishes me to pass-on what I have got.

I am especially thankful to my father, mother, each of my sisters and family members who together felt my frustrations, desperations and sufferings. The restlessness and uneasiness experienced by them due to my suffering must have driven them to seek, invoke and plead my case with God. Had my pain not become theirs, succor would have eluded me.

Today, as I enjoy happiness in my daily activities and attitudes, I am also making sacrifices to build a happy family life with an atmosphere of caring warmth blended in love, commitment and respect. As a husband, I must gather round and take advice. To bring out the best in my wife, I have to treat her with love and respect. All she wants is a husband who cares.

Least but not the last, I can today say that “ I am not a rich man materially, but I am never without as I used to be. Also, I am not a righteous man by any means, but I am at least improved over my old self”. There is very little that I want today except a greater portion of sobriety and more of spiritual help.

MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS KRIPA IN ALL ITS ENDEAVOUR
StopAndThinkTV at: I couldn’t find a place to contact you directly Bill Urell, so I guess I’ll put my proposal here.
I’m writing to you representing a new recovery based website called StopAndThinkTV.
I was excited to see that you are such good friends with Doug Cuddihy, as we are doing business with him at this present time. Would you please consider contacting us?
508-660-0331
Please take a look at some of the videos on our website too! I think you’ll find them informative, entertaining, and inspirational. Maybe we could work together to take recovery to mainstream America!
Please, give us a call, or send us an e-mail at your earliest convenience.
info@stopandthinktv.info

Thanks so much!

~Tim Horton
Angela at: Wow, there are some really inspiring stories here. I am not an alcoholic or addicted to drugs, but I remember the story my friend Kim tells about right after he had gotten out of jail. He was sharing in church and a very old lady named Beulah reminded him that we ALL have been in prison of one kind or another.

I think that it’s possible that most of us, if not all of us, have been addicted to SOMETHING. I thank all of you for sharing your stories and I wish you all the very, very, best.

Angela
Christina at: Hi, I want to ask you about my boyfriend. He start to drink not just socially 8 years ago. H e used to drink for few days or weeks and stop by himself, and then something made him start again. I know him for 3 years. We love eachother and talk about all, but in the last few months he became abusive, drunk every day, from morning until night. He hit me 2-3 times, push me on the wall, bed or hit on the face 2 times. He talked very bad to me, accussed me for everything and every time he told he will not do it again, it wasn’t about me, but it happen again. I don’t know if it’s only the drinking problem or there are deeper problems that disturb him. Three weeks ago I decided to go away, because I was afraid to be near him. He accepted to go to a rahabilitation clinic- he is there now- now he is in the process to clean his body from alcohol and after they will see if he need some medication or other help. He started to talk to psychologists and will continue, about his drinking problem and psychological and anger management. I want to ask you, should I give him a lst chance? Right now, I feel I can’t trust him, ata least not like before, and I feel I need more time. He wants I go back to him so I will see how he changed and to keep our love. Otherwise, if I not go back, he wants to go from country, back to his mother. He doesn’t want to give me more time. How I must deal with this?
Renee at: This is to Bill U:
I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I went into outpatient rehab at my local treatment center in February and have completed my program there. Thusfar, I am doing good, staying focused and on the wagon! I just wanted to say thank you for your website and your emails. All the help in the world is never too much! I am hoping when I have a year clean-time, to gain employment at the treatment center I completed my teratment program in, as I live in a very remote area and there aren’t too many options here. Meanwhile, I am hoping to do volunteer work there, such as speak to the patients who aren’t as far along in recovery as I am and tell them what I’ve been through so far. Also, I recently started college (even though I am 37 years old; better late than never, right?!) and am majoring in psychology with hopes of becoming an addiction counselor. I appreciate what you are doing with this website, it has been of great help to me. I hope you don’t mind but I have shared some things from it with my group, like tips to prevent relapse. Thanks a million for what you do!
Renee at: I would like to share a couple tips of my own, as someone in early recovery. There are a couple tricks I learned that helped me aside from the wonderful ones Bill has here on his website. Really grasp that there is nothing you can do about other peoples’ actions, you can only control your own. I learned this very early in my treatment and I am so thankful for it. A big part of my addiction was having the idea that I had to be high to handle or deal with certain situations and people. It was a great revelation to me when I realized I didn’t. I just had to control the way I reacted to them. The second thing I’d like to share is one thing that helps me daily to stay clean. I come up with any excuse I can think of to not use or not put myself in situations to want to use. Any lame excuse will do! Just as I used to find any excuse TO use, I now find any excuse NOT to. At first, you may not feel comfortable with using lame excuses but it doesn’t feel so lame when, at the end of the day, you’re straight!
Bill Urell at: Thanks for both your comments Renee.

When I learned there is only one thing I can control…myself, in the present moment, it was a huge breakthrough in my recovery growth. A great weight was lifted from my shoulders. I don’t have to worry about you! What a concept.

Secondly, I had to erase the concept of drinking and drugging from my menu of options. I remember a long time ago being a waiter and telling someone ‘I’m sorry that item is no longer on the menu’. I have faith that I can handle both joy and adversity without going back to the ‘old menu’.

Bill
J King at: Hi all,

Is there a teen who is willing to share their GHB recovery story? I am a freelance writer who would like to reference one or more in an article I am writing. I would like to speak with you via phone and will need to verify your story. Thanks!
Vicky Adams at: Hi Everybody,
I’m not an addict. But I have a brother who is an addict. He is our youngest brother. The whole family loved him very much since he is the only son. He became uncontrolled since our father passed away years ago. Last month, he was caught by police because of having drug party with his friends. We’ve done everything we can to help him. But, he seems very closed. He always reject to talk with us about his problem. We can’t bring him to rehabilitation. Hard to believe that it happened to our family. No one in our family even a smoker.
Bryan Alwright at: Lucky is your brother. I know some addicts who are not accepted by their families, even after they have been re-cured. The families don’t know that their support are necessary especially during the recovery period.
JamAce at: Well, I don’t have any addictions I think, but my Smoking is getting way out of hand. I read an article here about on how to quit smoking and just started trying it out. Still havn’t found out if it really helps but I hope it really does help. Thanks still for the article, a job well done.
Penny Bright at: You’re right that family support is important during the recovery period. However, self motivation of the addicted is much more important. Even, this is the most important.
Yelena at: Soda Drinks

Living really stinks
So I mix soda drinks

Passing life while on the go
It’s the only thing I know

Till it gets too late
Down the hill I skate

Bottles falling to the floor
At the threshold of the door

Boozing till I just forget
From denial and regret

Reaching for that final shot
It’s the only thing I got

Crashing to a numbing rest
Nausea rising up my chest

Falling off the camel couch
Purging what is in my pouch

Waking to a garbage truck
Back to all the gray I pluck
————————————

A Frozen Drink

Feeling lonely at a bar
Staring at a midnight star

Reaching for a frozen drink
Slowly sinking in my sink

Flying faster than a jet
Over waters soaking wet

Going under in a flood
Till I hear a call from God

Fishing for the proper meds
Healing in a home with beds

Counting every bit of time
Saving all my precious wine

Drinking only during dinners
Diving with Olympic winners

Sailing into sunny days
Seeing sunlight in my rays

I have made it in the end
All from being my best friend
Yelena at: Dear Mr. Urell:

Thank you so much for posting up both of my poems on your front page. Wow, what an honor!!!
Crystal Layden at: Friend, thank you for sharing your life story. I know it is not an easy matter to tell about your dark past, but you are willing to do it. I’m not an addict but I’m so touched with your story. My prayer to all of you who have past in drugs and who still in recovery period. God will always give us stregth to live our life and build our future.
Casey Madaline at: @J King,
I think it will be better if you go to a rehabilitation center and try to build good relation with people there. Is not easy to talk to new people about a bad past. But if you have known the person personally, I believe they won’t mind to share their story with you.
Billy Swordman at: @ Mr. Urell,

I just want to say how I’m impressed with your blog. You are helping a lot of addicted people through this blog. I believe every addicted people who visit this blog will be encouraged to improve their life. They won’t feel lonely because they read other addicted story which have been succed to release from addiction.
Bill Urell at: Thank you, Billy. Feel free to leave comments any time.

Bill
David Clifford at: Hi Everybody,
I am in public computer center and found this website in IE record…I don’t know if it is by fortune or what. But, I’m very bad smoking addicted. Can someone tell me how to start stop smoking? I always failed because most of my friends and colleagues are smoking addicted.
Allen at: I just found this site tonight. I hope to spend more time here in the near future.

6/25/03 – My surrender day.

It’s great knowing there is a real site that has honest information for additions.

One day at a time is more than a saying, it’s now my way of life. I’ll post some free ebooks later for everyone to download.

Allen Lundy
Bill Urell at: Thanks Allen,

Hope to hear from you often. I encourage you to use the search feature on our blog to find any info you may need. the site is huge and has many topics addiction topics covered.

Bill

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