The Role of Enabler: Are You Enabling Addiction In The One You Love?
Unfortunately, many times, a loved one actually is enabling addiction through their well intentioned desire to help the addict or alcoholic. How does this occur?
Consider the role of the addict; their intention is to continue the using behavior at all costs. What better way to continue that use than to enlist someone to ‘help’ him. Without the enabler, the addict would have to start facing consequences of his actions, and that might interfere with use continued use. The well intentioned enabler, out of love for the addict will ‘protect’ him from consequences and himself.
I watched an episode of the TV show “Intervention” where a mother gave her son, living at home, in his mid twenties money for Heroin, drove him downtown to buy the drugs and back home so he could use ‘safely’.
She was afraid he might have uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms or get hurt in a dangerous part of town. That was one of the more dramatic examples of addiction enabling I have seen. Are you lying, making excuses, and creating alibis for your loved one? These are signs that you may have crossed the line from helping into enabling addiction.
Enabling behavior usually starts out very slowly and gradually with trying to smooth things out with others outside the relationship or family. There is a desire to keep family secrets or not rock the boat. Part of enabling, just like active addiction, is denial. In the beginning the enabler will make all sorts of rationalizations and try to minimize the problem; ignore it and hope it goes away. This does not happen.
The vicious cycle of enabling and addiction works something like this. The chemically dependent person is being shielded from the negative consequences of their use. Since these consequences are not hitting home, they can continue to use, or increase their use even more. This means the enabler gets drawn even deeper into the web by having to deal with ever increasing chaos. The increasing chaos in the home can be just the excuse the dependent person needs to keep on using.
Where and how does the madness end? For the enabler, though there may be fear and shame about the situation, it usually ends in anger. The enabler typically tries to hold things together and keeps the mounting frustration and anger bottled up…until one day the explosion occurs. They opt out of continuing the excuses.
Paradoxically at this point, with the rug pulled out from him the user may encounter the crisis that will be motivation to seek treatment. Pain is not pleasant, but it is a wonderful motivator. People who seek addiction treatment usually come from one of two camps. 1. They simply get sick and tired of being sick and tired. They get worn out. More commonly is the second option: 2. A crisis occurs that hits them with the force of a 2 x 4 in the side of the head.
Being protected from crisis may simply be doing nothing more than preventing engagement in addiction treatment and delaying the entry into addiction recovery
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Graet article on enabling. Right now I am dealing with a situation that is dealing with enabling minus the addiction factor. In my opinion whether you are dealing with addiction or just a person with behavioral issues it is all the same. There is a fine line however. When is it enabling and when is it saving someone’s life. The person with the issues care, yet they have no clue what to do in the life. Whether it is get clean and sober or learn new life skills. Thankfully for those of us in recovery we are always a work in process of learning how to deal with life. Now all we have to do is learn how to pass this on to others without the person being on the defensive. Having a person with an open mind is a perfect world yet that is hard to find.
We as the people that the the person with the problem(s) are dealing with need to step back, evaluate the situation, hopefully run it by another unbiased person then make a reasonable and rational decison on how best to help the person(s) involved.
Mys sis and I are both ACOA. She is also addicted to alcohol. We live in different states, but my daughter lives near her. Sis is talking about depression, “not being around much longer”, – she does this, send out an alarm then won’t answer phone calls and hides when someone comes to her house, so you have to threaten to call police, or call them. So my daughter now feels like she has to spend more time with her, try to get her out of her depression, keep her from committing suicide. I’ve sent my daughter info, asked her to be careful. I feel cold because I feel nothing. It’s gone on for too ong and sis shuts me out anyway, there’s nothing I can do, but I don’t feel right about that. Don’t know what to do….
Sometimes it’s better to leave the situation to the hands of the professional because if you are with your love one, tendency is there will be enabling addition. Sometimes it’s easier to trick our family that we need such substance and because of their love for us, thus enabling addition happens.
Oftentimes the enabler continues to promote the addiction for fear that the addict might not love them if they don’t. Enablers need to get themselves in order to help the addict stop the addiction.
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Yes, most often than not enablers make the situation worse by thinking that they are helping. This is the common misconception that enablers have.
We should always be careful not to enable an addiction of someone we love. We might think it’s helping them, but in reality it’s not. Get them the proper treatment they need.
I guess I’m lucky that my partner is not a bad influence to me. He’s not into any form of addiction especially drugs. If he ever has this kind of addiction, I will do my best to help him get out of it.
Usually people who go for treatment either get tired of the addiction or they end up experiencing a dramatic crisis that leads them to seek out treatment for the problem. It is important that you never protect a loved one from this type of crisis because you may be keeping them from finding the treatment that they need for their addiction problem.
Use saying no as an opportunity to set limits and steer your loved one toward getting help for the addiction. By withholding money, transportation, or other favors until your loved one seeks help, you are doing your part to help fix the problem. You may very well feel guilty when you say no because you care for the person deeply and only want to help. But remember that by saying no, you are doing the best thing you can to help your loved one accept the negative consequences of addiction, which is an important step toward recovery.
There is such a thing as false guilt. Don’t worry, he’ll survive, even if you or your mom kick him out into the streets!
It’s the best thing you’ve ever done for him, if you both really love him. Tell him where to go, detox at a drug detox facility. Give him an address to go to. Then, lock the door out on him. Be firm, not pity him. It never worked. Don’t expect to be doing the same thing to him and expecting him to do something different!
Do not enable. Enabling is not helping; it’s what assists an addict in maintaining her addiction. Enabling behaviors would include calling in sick for the person, giving him money (when you know he will only spend it on his drug of choice) and letting the addict stay with you rent-free. Anything that helps the addict avoid taking responsibility for her own life is enabling.
It’s very much like being in an abusive relationship. You hide it, you lie for them, and fear people will find out. It happens to the best and the worst of us. Don’t be ashamed because you loved someone enough to be there for them, to help them and raise them up from the very ground the once laid. At the same time, don’t allow yourself to continue to be there victim, trapped and captured in there addiction.
It is difficult to stop enabling if you’re trying to do it with all authority. And it’s not easy until you know you deserve to stop. Until you know that you are endearing regardless of what the person you’ve previously enabled says to the contrary until you raise your own self-esteem enough to be that strong. You may think it’s the other person who needs all of the help, in truth, you both do.
Enabling makes recovery for the individual very difficult because it supports the person in continuing their addiction. The average person who is working toward getting healthier will actually need some help from time to time. That kind of help should come in the form of positive attitudes and being supportive. What enabling does is it helps that individual continue on a path to self destruction and it is not support. It’s also not love. Learning how to make that distinction is just as difficult for families as the recovery process can be for the addict.
I agree that no one can force a person to quit drugs or alcohol. It can be a complex issue. However, I do believe that people can in fact help – even family members can help. However, a family member can only contribute toward a solution if he is not placing himself in the position of being part of the problem. It takes love and understanding and that is only available to each of us when we have made profound changes within our own lives. So yes, the only life you can change is your own, but in doing so, you can beautifully inspire others to do the same.
I have been playing the part of an enabler to one of my family member, who for along time has been an addict but its an overwhelming task and calls for love, kindness and patience,
sometimes they are not cooperative, violent but the way through ave been able to bring him back to the track.
how I love to see this come. Thank you for sharing helpful thoughts all over.
It’s better to leave the situation to the hands of the professional because if you are with your love one, tendency is there will be enabling addition. The average person who is working toward getting healthier will actually need some help from time to time.
It’s the best thing you’ve ever done for him, if you both really love him. Tell him where to go, detox at a drug detox facility. It takes love and understanding and that is only available to each of us when we have made profound changes within our own lives. So yes, the only life you can change is your own.
By helping support them, we are enabling them to use whatever money they get from other sources (often, the Government) to buy their drug. The only way we can help them while they’re using is to let them fall flat on their faces. Let them feel every bit of the pain and wretchedness their choices have brought them to. The more pain they feel, the more willing they will be to do what it takes to get clean. If we love them, we won’t believe them, we will set firm boundaries and we won’t help them as long as they’re abusing a substance. True love is expressed by doing and saying, not what your loved ones want, but what they need…even if it means losing their love.
There will be a bias of enabling if the one who love will deal with. It takes discipline and perseverance to both side to fight addiction. It is also a painstaking process that both party must partake.
Detachment is the idea that the disease of alcoholism is separate from the alcoholic themselves. It’s the idea that we can love a person but hate their disease. When we practice detachment, we can view an alcoholic’s outrageous behavior as being part of their disease without taking it so personally. We can still love them even though they are sick and their behavior is unacceptable at times. Detachment is not easy, and you might not do it perfectly at all times. But it’s important to understand the concept and to practice it as best you can. Even if it seems like you are distancing yourself from the alcoholic, it is still the healthiest behavior you can choose. You are choosing to distance yourself from their disease and the emotional turmoil that it creates.
Enforce limits and boundaries with decisive action–action that you had previously decided on in a rational moment of clarity and probably also communicated to the alcoholic. In the heat of the moment, do not react. Do not pour fuel on the fire. Simply follow through with the actions that you decided on (such as, “if you come home drunk again, I’m going to go stay over at a friend’s house for the night,” or whatever the case may be).
It takes love and understanding and that is only available to each of us when we have made profound changes within our own lives. The average person who is working toward getting healthier will actually need some help from time to time. That kind of help should come in the form of positive attitudes and being supportive. Thank you.
I can’t agree with most of the reviewers here that enablers actually make the situation worse. I can’t accept that school of thought. But what I feel is The enabler has a diverse role in alcoholism. Sometimes they are the fixers. They are the rescuers. They are the reliable ones too. They are the one who forgives and the saddest person ever only because they love the alcoholic.
The problem is that helping an addict is not the same as helping a family member who was laid off from their job or injured in a car accident. In some cases, addiction goes on for longer than it should because family or friends with good intentions enable the addict, cushioning the negative consequences of their poor decisions. Sometimes those in relationships with addicts are psychologically attached to the feeling of being needed by the addict, and losing that relationship would be devastating for their own sense of identity and self-worth. If you know an addict, you should evaluate your interactions with them to make sure that you are helping the addict (which might mean NOT helping them!) and not the addiction.
I guess emotions should be kept away from the addict if you want any chance of redeeming them. You never know they might be playing on that weaker emotional side of yours. This will only propel them to continue their merry way it will be difficult for them to quit.
I have got only one thing to say to all enablers, try visualizing the days when your loved ones can be addiction free. Wouldn’t you want to work in that direction rather than aiding them to get their daily dose of poison? The effects of withdrawal symptoms are temporary, but when the addiction is gone away, the happiness is endless.
The enabler must desist being the rescuer for the addict and instead be the rescuer for the family. By detaching themselves, enablers force the addict to face their addiction head on. While this may be difficult and incredibly painful for the family, forcing the addict to rely on him or herself is the first step in getting them to realize the strength of their addiction. Once they must face the consequences of their addictive behavior, they may begin to see themselves in a new light and be ready to seek help to end their addiction. Once the addict has reached this critical step, the family can come in with solutions such as drug treatment plans. The family can once again become a support structure for the addict, but this time in a healthy way that does not enable the addictive behavior, but seeks to reform it.
The vicious cycle of enabling and addiction works something like this. The chemically dependent person is being shielded from the negative consequences of their use. Since these consequences are not hitting home, they can continue to use, or increase their use even more. This means the enabler gets drawn even deeper into the web by having to deal with ever increasing chaos.
Co-dependency is a vicious circle in which the person being enabled and the enabler need to extricate themselves. It is recommended by experts in the field, that co-dependent family members or loved ones remind themselves on a regular basis that they did not cause the problem, cannot control or fix the problem. They need to understand that the only thing they can do is offer assistance which may or may not be heeded. The codependent person needs to understand that the only person, who can help the substance abuser, is the substance abuser- he or she needs to go obtain the help that is available.