To a large degree the symptoms of codependency are about extremes. People who exhibit codependencies often did not seem to have a moderator, they go full speed ahead, or dead stop. We will discuss five essential symptoms codependent behavior. 
I first learned of this view of codependence from Pia Mellody in her book Facing Codependence. These 5 symptoms are:
1. Difficulty having appropriate levels of self-esteem.
People in dysfunctional relationships such as dependence have troubles with either very low self-esteem or very high self-esteem. High self-esteem manifests itself through arrogance and a belief that I am superior to everyone else. Low self-esteem comes from the belief that you have less worth than other people your feelings and beliefs don’t count. In either case self-esteem is taught within the family of origin. A newborn baby has neither high self-esteem nor low self-esteem; these attitudes are developed in growing up, usually from modeling family behavior.
2. Inability to set realistic, functioning, boundaries.
Boundaries are something that are taught during childhood. If we came from dysfunctional families or families with poor boundaries it is likely that we will have not have learned to set the boundaries ourselves. Boundaries serve a number of purposes, they can offer protection from other people, from ourselves, and they can define who we are in the world. People with poor boundaries on one extreme confine themselves enmeshed with another person to the point where they’re not taking care of their own needs. These people tend to generate self-esteem from how the important they are in taking care of another. People with the rigid and inflexible boundaries tend to live in isolation behind walls. People with no boundaries, tend to be taken advantage of and victimized.
3. Difficulty knowing who you are.
Co-dependents have difficulty seeing themselves as they really are, both physically and mentally. They often have poor or skewed body image problems. They often have altered interpretations of thoughts and their ability to share them. They often have difficulty identifying, owning, and regulating emotions. Another aspect of this is not knowing of who you really are, living in a fantasy, or making up an alter ego.
4. Having trouble defining needs and wants and meeting them.
It is common for someone to get their wants and needs confused. A codependent person is sometimes able to acknowledge thier needs and wants but they try to meet them by themselves without any help. They may also be aware of needs and wants, and expect people to fill them without having to help themselves. Another area of difficulty is to have needs a wants and simply not be aware of some, thus taking no action to fill them.
5. Difficulty in expressing ourselves moderately and knowing what “normal” is.
A codependent person just doesn’t seem to understand what moderation is. They swing like a pendulum from extreme to extreme, ecstatic or miserable, completely indifferent or completely involved. It seems they do not understand when enough is enough; this is possibly the most outwardly visible sign of co-dependants. Often people have difficulty in understanding what ‘normal’ is because they never had ‘normal’ modeled for them when there were growing up. Growing up in a dysfunctional home one learns how to be dysfunctional. If emotions were not shown, we learn frozen at emotions. If there were no boundaries or restraints, we learned no boundaries or restraints.
In general, exposure to dysfunctional family upbringing, whether alcohol and drugs were used, the physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, were present can produce children who will eventually develop into codependent adults. This is really simplifying codependence, but I hope it gets the general picture across.
More Resources:
Helping Heal Your Relationships
There is hope that recovering codependents can have healthy fulfilling relationships. Once you accept your codependency and start work on your own life and yourself, you can begin building or rebuilding relationships with others. …
Codependency from Both Sides of the Fence
I never thought I had codependency issues, until my own son was having trouble and I was obsessed trying to help solve HIS problems. Obsessed, in that I could not stop thinking, worrying or talking about him. …
You Can Always Tell A Codependent
In 10 years of continuous sobriety I’ve met few recovering alcoholics who weren’t, to some degree or another, also recovering codependents. Especially people who are also Adult Children of Alcoholics (boy, does it come with that …
We hope you enjoyed this post on the symptoms of codependency
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
For an editor, you have an awful lot of typos and misprints.
Christa,
You are correct. I took another look and found 4 errors I corrected. At the time this post was written, 8 months ago, I was using voice recognition software. While spelling was correct, it substituted some strange words (or I had a cold when dictating).
I should change the credit, I am not an editor by trade, but rather a therapist…still it is embarrassing to get snagged with a poorly worded post.
Thanks, Mia Culpa
Bill
Please have someone else edit these very important writings, there are still way too many typos. I shouldn’t have to work
this hard trying to make sense of what you are staying.
Sincerely,
Roxanne
Roxanne,
If you are interested in codependency or enabling behavior, I would like to refer you to the works of Melody Beattie, or Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse they are pioneers in this field.
Bill
This is very interesting. I’ve never really did too much research on co-dependency, but after reading this I feel that one of my best guy friends fits this criteria to a T. He will let friend run all over him and treat him however he wants just as long as he feels needed by them. It’s like he has no sense of self or esteem unless he is living his life through his friends lives. I just wish I knew a way to bring it up to him without him getting offended. He is also very sensitive to any kind of criticism and takes it to mean he has to do even MORE for the people in his life.
Do you know of any really excellent therapies for codependency? I am dating a guy who has done a lot of work but not a lot of good results, he fits this perfect. His father was abusive and an alcoholic. He wants to get help but is having a hard time – is wanting to try EMDR for the anger and old pain. Any other modalities or models?
I would suggest this:
For education the following 3 authors are highly regarded for both Codependency work and ACOA work.Melody Beattie, Janet Woititz
Pia Mellody.
2 highly regarded treatment centers that have programs for codependency are The Caron Foundation and The Meadows. I would call them and ask what specific modalities they use. I am guessing they will tell you cognitive-behavioral.
There are independent therapists who specialize in codependency, but you have to make sure they are trained to meet your needs.
Lastly, EMDR is primarily used for trauma work (eg childhood trauma) or PTSD, not usually codependency, but then you did mention childhood abuse… The instution I work at uses EMDR on a selective basis and has had some good results. There is a screening process and it is not appropriate for everyone, especially if they are in early addiction recovery. A patient should be fairly stable before engaging in it.
Regards,
Bill
Shannon,
Your question piqued my interest as to treatment modality, and I hate intuitive guess work. I was wrong.
I called the Caron Foundation and they told me the 3 modalities they use are: Role Playing, Guided Imagery, and Experiential Therapy. So my ‘educated guess’ at cognitive behavioral was wrong. By the way the three therapies mentioned all require professional help to work. eg. they are not self study.
Bill
I’m using this article in my research paper I need to know what date you wrote this or put it online. So I can give the correct date on my paper much appreciated
Nancy Brontë
Nancy´s last blog ..By: Bill Urell
December 17, 2009
About Zoe:
I am renting a room 3 months ago, during this economic downturn from a friend/acquaintance whom I guess is codependent in a big way. I myself have issues from dealing with an abusive brother and a family that knew no emotional boundaries, I have been working on this.with a therapist.
The home owner, Zoe, does not work, lives on alimony and her house and gardens are her GOD. She has 2 maids, 2 gardeners and a guy to clean the pool and a guy to fix the house, all part time and totalling 1,500 bucks a month or more. She does not work (says she cannot, too many physical problems,several of which could be in her mind. she reads books and magazines about each ailment daily for about a total of 3 hours) and sleeps a lot (of course she goes to bed late). She complains that she will lose her alimony in 3 years and groans at me to get answers about refinancing and the agony of expenses of keeping her home. She has bought beyond her means, maybe I tell her, and maybe will have to sell in a few years, or work. She (is a lawyer) answers this with she cannot work and her house is her exo-skeleton. I have nothing more to say, except that selling a home before foreclosure, like I did, may be best and renting a room is not the end of the world, like I am doing from her, then she shuts up…but it is like she wants me to solve her financial problems, when she has over 1/2 million in the bank, and I have little, like she wants me to work for her behalf. I resent this. Is this co-dependant behavior? She also has mentioned a few times how great lesbians have it. I have made it known that I prefer men.
I told her before moved in that I would not be her nursemaid or if she fired her help, I could not be expected to step in and fill their roles, to which she said she was offended, that it would never happen.
Since moving in, she nit pics at me, at large volume, for leaving, say an over turned pan on the stove to dry overnight, the sponge in the sink instead of the sideboard, while many times she left her unfinished plate of food on the table or food encrusted pots on the stove for DAYS (I say nothing). she constantly tells me that the only reason she sleeps late is because I will not step in to wake her up. I said I will not do it, as it is co-dependant behavior, and she says, OF COURSE IT IS CO DEPENDANT, like, it is the natural thing to do. I still refuse, Also (see first paragraph, second sentance) she has fired most of her staff, while except for my own areas, and taking out the garbage, I refuse to take their jobs as well. This is creating tension, as it seems she did have expectations in that direction of me taking over a lot of the $1,500/mo work. Recently she said she slept for 20 hours one night (turned out she recanted, but she said she did) and was sleeping up to 12 the next day, my important question:
I called her family to tell them about the sleeping, I do not want to be responsible for waking her at all, as I believe I would be steeping day by day into a morass of her nursing care to the ruin of my own efforts towards survival. She has wanted to talk about this non-waking and EXPLODED several times about my “poor judgement”, I “crossed HER boundries” etc.I cannot speak a full sentance during these tirades. She says I am not to call her family at any time for any emergency at all.
I think getting out of the place is best for me, it’s that or bowing to her will. I don’t know how to “feel” it is only a logical choice for me. It will be hard to move, etc., especially as I am doing part-time architectural work, and the income is here and there. but for my own sanity, and healing from my own past, I believe it best. If I think of what is best for her, it always turns to me helping her constantly or someone else helping her constantly. She will need to find or hire someone else.
What do you say?
Quite a dilemma. I would say that you ALWAYS have choices. You may not like your choices all the time but they are yours to make. I think there are 2 kinds of people, those that energize and those that drain. Everyone continues to be in your life through your invitation. I prefer to be around people that energize.
A lot of these problems you are describing all seem to focus on having confidence in yourself. The problems start from within. If you can fix on how you view yourself you can one day not have to be dependent on anyone.