About Zoe:

I am renting a room 3 months ago, during this economic downturn from a friend/acquaintance whom I guess is codependent in a big way. I myself have issues from dealing with an abusive brother and a family that knew no emotional boundaries, I have been working on this.with a therapist.

The home owner, Zoe, does not work, lives on alimony and her house and gardens are her GOD. She has 2 maids, 2 gardeners and a guy to clean the pool and a guy to fix the house, all part time and totalling 1,500 bucks a month or more. She does not work (says she cannot, too many physical problems,several of which could be in her mind. she reads books and magazines about each ailment daily for about a total of 3 hours) and sleeps a lot (of course she goes to bed late). She complains that she will lose her alimony in 3 years and groans at me to get answers about refinancing and the agony of expenses of keeping her home. She has bought beyond her means, maybe I tell her, and maybe will have to sell in a few years, or work. She (is a lawyer) answers this with she cannot work and her house is her exo-skeleton. I have nothing more to say, except that selling a home before foreclosure, like I did, may be best and renting a room is not the end of the world, like I am doing from her, then she shuts up…but it is like she wants me to solve her financial problems, when she has over 1/2 million in the bank, and I have little, like she wants me to work for her behalf. I resent this. Is this co-dependant behavior? She also has mentioned a few times how great lesbians have it. I have made it known that I prefer men.

I told her before moved in that I would not be her nursemaid or if she fired her help, I could not be expected to step in and fill their roles, to which she said she was offended, that it would never happen.

Since moving in, she nit pics at me, at large volume, for leaving, say an over turned pan on the stove to dry overnight, the sponge in the sink instead of the sideboard, while many times she left her unfinished plate of food on the table or food encrusted pots on the stove for DAYS (I say nothing). she constantly tells me that the only reason she sleeps late is because I will not step in to wake her up. I said I will not do it, as it is co-dependant behavior, and she says, OF COURSE IT IS CO DEPENDANT, like, it is the natural thing to do. I still refuse, Also (see first paragraph, second sentance) she has fired most of her staff, while except for my own areas, and taking out the garbage, I refuse to take their jobs as well. This is creating tension, as it seems she did have expectations in that direction of me taking over a lot of the $1,500/mo work. Recently she said she slept for 20 hours one night (turned out she recanted, but she said she did) and was sleeping up to 12 the next day, my important question:

I called her family to tell them about the sleeping, I do not want to be responsible for waking her at all, as I believe I would be steeping day by day into a morass of her nursing care to the ruin of my own efforts towards survival. She has wanted to talk about this non-waking and EXPLODED several times about my “poor judgement”, I “crossed HER boundries” etc.I cannot speak a full sentance during these tirades. She says I am not to call her family at any time for any emergency at all.

I think getting out of the place is best for me, it’s that or bowing to her will. I don’t know how to “feel” it is only a logical choice for me. It will be hard to move, etc., especially as I am doing part-time architectural work, and the income is here and there. but for my own sanity, and healing from my own past, I believe it best. If I think of what is best for her, it always turns to me helping her constantly or someone else helping her constantly. She will need to find or hire someone else.
What do you say?

I called the Caron Foundation and they told me the 3 modalities they use are: Role Playing, Guided Imagery, and Experiential Therapy. So my ‘educated guess’ at cognitive behavioral was wrong. By the way the three therapies mentioned all require professional help to work. eg. they are not self study.

Bill

2 highly regarded treatment centers that have programs for codependency are The Caron Foundation and The Meadows. I would call them and ask what specific modalities they use. I am guessing they will tell you cognitive-behavioral.

There are independent therapists who specialize in codependency, but you have to make sure they are trained to meet your needs.

Lastly, EMDR is primarily used for trauma work (eg childhood trauma) or PTSD, not usually codependency, but then you did mention childhood abuse… The instution I work at uses EMDR on a selective basis and has had some good results. There is a screening process and it is not appropriate for everyone, especially if they are in early addiction recovery. A patient should be fairly stable before engaging in it.

Regards,

Bill

If you are interested in codependency or enabling behavior, I would like to refer you to the works of Melody Beattie, or Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse they are pioneers in this field.

Bill

Sincerely,
Roxanne

You are correct. I took another look and found 4 errors I corrected. At the time this post was written, 8 months ago, I was using voice recognition software. While spelling was correct, it substituted some strange words (or I had a cold when dictating).

I should change the credit, I am not an editor by trade, but rather a therapist…still it is embarrassing to get snagged with a poorly worded post.

Thanks, Mia Culpa

Bill