What is a dry drunk, and the ‘dry drunk syndrome’ as it is sometimes called? It can best be described as someone who fits one of two conditions.
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The first is someone who has given up drinking and drugging and not made any internal or emotional changes, they stay the same but the substance is gone. Or in the second case what was once someone abstinent and on a progressive path of recovery has slowly returned to chaotic and unrealistic thinking.
Being active in your addiction sets up many trains of thought, attitudes, feelings, and actions that are problematic. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs without changing these underlying factors will produce a dry drunk syndrome. The dry drunk really refers to a condition and not the person. It is important to recognize a reversion back to our old ways of thinking and acting, or lack of progress in moving forward in recovery.
The dry drunk can be a precursor to the beginnings of relapse, the AA Big Book describes this condition as being “restless, irritable, and discontented”. This set of attitudes can apply to anyone who is chemically dependent, or even those were not. Here are some of the attitudes common with the dry drunk syndrome.
Grandiosity – Grandiosity basically means a return to a self-centered, ‘the world revolves around’ me attitude. In 12 Step literatures this is the concept of being “self-centered in the extreme”. It does not have to necessarily mean that I believe I am the best; it can also be seeking attention through playing the victim or sitting on the pity pot.
Impulsivity – A common attitude or observable behavior of people with addiction problems is poor impulse control. We tend to do what we want when we want, with little regard for self harm or hurting others around us. Impulsivity can be linked with grandiosity to engage in behaviors designed to make us the center of attention.
Being judgmental – This is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. When we judge a person as being better than or less than, we are setting up a situation where we inflate our egos feeling better than other people. On the other hand if we judge ourselves to be on the short end we can feel bitter and generate low self-esteem. Being judgmental is a low self-esteem generator.
Complacency – This is not only an attitude of somebody in dry drunk syndrome, but is a red flag warning sign of someone who is well into the relapse process. An important facet of being in active recovery is just that, being active, and moving forward. It is not how fast you are going but rather the direction in which you are headed. If you become lazy or disinterested and stop being proactive about your recovery, the natural to a tendency is to fall back into addictive behaviors. Your re-engagement in them is just a short step away.
Once you are lured into any of these attitudes, they start to affect how you think. Once your thinking is affected and you start to buy into self-centered thoughts, chances are you’ll engage in the actions stemming from these self-centered thoughts.
Here are some destructive patterns and actions that can result from dry drunk thinking:
1. We become restless and irritable and discontent.
2. We become bored, dissatisfied, and easily distracted from productive tasks.
3. Our emotions and feelings get listless and dull, nothing excites us anymore.
4. We start to the engage in the euphoric recall that is yearning for the good old days of active using and for getting the pain and shame of use.
5. We start to engage in magical thinking we get on realistic and fanciful expectations and dreams.
6. The last thing we want you is engaged in introspection to improve ourselves.
7. We start to become unfulfilled and have the feeling that nothing will ever satisfy our yearning or fill the hole in the sole.
Looking back at the list of attitudes and thought distortions listed above, it is easy to see how the dry drunk syndrome is simply nothing more then reverting back to the way it was when we were active in our use. If you are starting to notice some of the attitudes discussed creeping back into your life, is target time to start paying attention to the possibility of relapse and start turning your life in sobriety and recovery around. The dry drunk syndrome is a bright red flashing warning sign for relapse.
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Thanks for a great post. This will be posted at the Carnival of All Substances on June 10. Stop by and visit us, say hello.
This strikes home on all points as our family is enabling
one of our own to continue his downward spiral without
seeking advise.
the point of no return is near and as a recovering alcoholic
that has been exposed to thousands of other alcoholics
in aa my non alcoholic parents and my using brother are
just adding to the problem .
I never knew what this term meant. I underts and now why some people act that way. It’s as if maybe they might miss whatever it is they were addicted to and are now depressed. Of course having people that just don’t understand you can add to this.
I never use the term,”dry drunk” in a disparaging way. My hat’s off to anyone who stays away from a drink or drug; whether it’s meetings, a judge’s gavel or the wife’s rolling pin that provides the impetus. The term is used mostly by the faithful meeting makers, who believe AA is the only way.
Statistics show as many people “mature out” of addiction as do in AA.
johns last blog post..peace
Dear Bill,
‘Addiction Recovery Basics’ has been a wonderful guide and reading. It reminds me that I need to do more than what I am doing to maintain my recovery. I just love reading your different articles.
Is there a way you can email me something on ‘King Baby Syndrome’?
It’s been 10 years since I had my last drink.
Reagrds and God Bless your work.
Michael Syngkon
Like many of the others who have posted, I have never heard of this term before. I find it extremely enlightening to know what to look for in friends who are recovery but may be headed in the wrong direction. This gives me some things to watch out for before it is too late.
I am living with the father of a newly 42 year old diagnosed King/Baby alcoholic son. I cannot get through to him that he is an enabler to his son by financially supporting him. How can I be a support in this situation.
Jt,
A real good source of support is Al-Anon. It is a support group for the families of alcoholics.
Bill
The grammar in this article is atrocious. The “editor” should be ashamed.
I guess that judgementalism part didn’t apply.
Shame is a belief that at the core, one is inadequate, ‘I am a bad thing’. I really don’t feel that way about myself over a grammatical error(s) in an article.
I choose to believe I may be providing a worthwhile service, and see no reason to be “ashamed” of my efforts.
Thanks for the article. I was a dating a gentleman, 38, single with a cat (lol), and it went downhill after 6 months. He gave less and less and I was pressured to give more and more. Although I truly feel he is a decent guy, I felt sucked dry and unloved at best by the end of it. I started looking into his behaviors: irritable, anxious, blaming, he hated confrontation but would confront others, etc and even though this guy was never an alcoholic or drug addict I see certain behaviours in his family that begged for attention with and poor me attitude. I began to wonder whether someone in his family had an alcohol problem. I know his dad did, of which my boyfriend had no relationship with. They are all on anti-depressants. Which I found out towards the end. Wow that was a painful relationship! Very sad! Funny thing is I should have ran with my gut feeling. I crashed and burned and that was my mistake. I must be more careful.
I am 43 years young and have been married to a man for 24 years. I am a strong career minded woman but inside sacrificed myself to assure the stability of my children now 23, 20 and 10. The oldest two have good jobs and independent of me. Now I focus on one. My husband drank heavily for first 18 yrs. of marriage. I started seeking freedom from this dark hole I’ve lived for many years. I struggled to understand why he chose not to be my life partner and an active parent. A shrink told me the term “dry drunk”. Describes my husband totally. I tried many years, many ways to get the line of communication open. A dry drunk is unable to do this. My freedom is a few months of planning away. I can’t help him anymore, I need to save myself. Life’s to short! I hope he can find happiness within himself one day so his kids and others see that transformation that is so available to everyone who truly wants to see, feel and touch it.
The term “dry drunk” is extremely arrogant. While obviously addicts must make changes to their lifestyles, the term is never really used in such a clinical way but is rather pointed at those who attempt to get sober without cultic involvement.
Hmm, very interesting. I’ve heard the term before as well, but never thought about it like that. And I’ve known some people who fit these patterns to a T, but never put the two together.
Why did Billy .P find it necessary to harshly critique the writer’s grammar?
Is he a dry drunk being judgmental?
can someone please send me something on king baby cause i dont know what it is!!!
Anita, If you go to Hazelden.org and check their bookstore they have the original pamphlet for about $3.50 or so.
Bill
Please change dry-drunk to dry-alcoholic. Dry drunks are NOT drunk But they are still alcoholics. This is a terrible misnomer
I was recently reminded of the ‘dry drunk’ syndrome when I listened to A Clancy I. MP3 (Available at http://xa-speakers.org/). The dry drunk to me is someone who has not or is not addressing the “Ism’s” of alcoholism.
My mom has been sober for 5 years. She has made tremendous progress in being there for me and my siblings. I came across this article while looking for advice on people who trade one addiction for another. She has now resorted to remodeling/redecorating on a constant basis and has now centered her life around it. All she can talk about is what she would like to change/remodel. Our house is perfect, but not in her eyes. It’s like she needs an intervention all over again. Any suggestions on what I should do?
Thank you for this article. I have 20+ years in recovery and have been married to a man I met in the program. He has 3 years less than me but stopped working a recovery program 10+ years ago. Living with this man has meant constant belittling, a LOT of hateful comments and looks, a lot of resentment to me and very childish anger. Then he says that “I just don’t get it” and laughs.
Living with a Dry Drunk is hell, I try to remember that I am powerless over Alcohol and Turn it over to my Higher Power. Thanks to all my true friends in recovery. This too shall pass, One Day at a Time.
Thank you all for the help I just got out of a 1 year relationship with a man James whom is in AA 5 years sober. With out knowing the term “dry drunk” prior or anything about AA to dating this man I was really kind of baffled not having addictions of my own. I told my neighbor Susan about my heartach and pain, the put downs, the nothing was ever good enough attitude James had toward me the fact that he blammed everything on me daily this made me sink into a cave a depression of tears I hid. It was so hard on me to go through this because I loved and adored him he was everything I dreamed of until this shadow of his alcoholism surfaced. Susan then said to me, flat out- with out even knowing “is he in AA?” I said yes, how did you know? She said “then he is a dry drunk I was married to one for 18 years.” Our past were very different but he had made grand changes in his 5 years of sobriety which I truely came to respect. He acted on his desires while I turned my cheek to mine a case of nature verses nuture my nurture made me strong. He did not respect this about me and grew jealous it appeared. His entire family was in AA. They asked me to even join. I have not been a “drinker” but sometimes I do go drink when out with friends at dinner I may even get drunk like on New Years Eve but never alone and no more then 1x per month if that and whom has not done these things. I believe what I endured and what I still endure even though we don’t talk but the memory of the cruelty was that of a dry drunk. Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone in my journey and may this lesson help someone in theirs. Don’t blame your self continue to love yourself and them even if apart but remember life is too short and the pain is not worth it.
Best Regards~c
Thank you for the insightful comments. I think my husband is a dry drunk & I have been living with this for over 30 years. Catherine’s story sounds so similar to mine, except he is not in AA, but his both his father and brother are recovering alcoholics. MY mistake: I’ve married him twice!!!! I wish I had these posts earlier in my life. I am a stroke survivor, and dealing with his ups and downs is very difficult. I pray the Serenity Prayer every day.
I first heard of this term from my just recent ex-girlfriend. We were in a relationship for 4 and a half years, but dumped me for another man last month whom she met at a New Year’s Eve get together for, I believe, clean and sober people. She has been clean and sober for a year now. She told me what dry drunk was. I have no idea whether he recent actions were those of a dry drunk, but she goes to AA and actively works on her recovery at health care facilities.
The second time I heard the term was a reference to former president George W. Bush as a dry drunk, he a recovering alcoholic who became an evangelical Christian. For whatever reason I know not.
Whether my ex is a dry drunk or not, I stuck around. There were times it brought on a depression for me, some lasting for days at a time. Nevertheless I genuinely loved her and her three kids.
Thank you for this post. It allows me to pour out the storm of emotion I experienced as it ended. It’s sad to see something debilitating and even sadder to pay the price for it. I mourn the loss yet I know it was all for the best.
is it possible that people are stronger and more astute than the addiction affliction that they are convinced into believing they hav when in reality they are just bein givin xcuses 4 a simple lack of solidity and fortitude.hope the best for all but dont let “professionals” tell you that something other than you runs your life..just a suggestion..dont fall prey to doc squak. good luck
I am so frustrated by this condition… I lived with an active alcoholic for 4 years… and put up with such horrible verbal and emotional abuse… but I stood by his side becuase I knew or THOUGHT I knew who he was prior to his addiciton taking hold. We have been married going on 8 years and he is 9 weeks into his recovery.. But now after dealing with all that hurt.. i have to deal with this nonsense.. he fits this article to a T and I can’t STAND it any longer. We go to counseling together and he goes by himself as well.. but I am bringing it up to the counselor this week. I can’t do this. I honestly don’t know if I see a future for us. He’s so selfish I can’t tolerate it any longer. I thought once the drinking stopped things would be better.. but they are just about the same… with a few more good days in between the bad ones than before. When he was in the first few weeks once he got past the withdrawal symptoms he was WONDERFUL… then he just started having this horrible attitude… downing himself and me, and nothing is ever good enough that I do. I am only 27 and we have a 5 year old… I deserve so much better than this. After standing by his side and being the ONLY one he could depend on, I am angry that I should now have to tolerate MORE abuse… I am beginning to think maybe it wasn’t the alcohol at all that made him so mean, maybe that’s just who he really is…. *sigh*
As I understand it, a “dry drunk” is someone who has quit drinking or his/her other DOC, but has not gone into true recovery. Therefore, behavior does not change for that person. I have 13+ and as you gain more time you are not as sensitive to certain “labels” or “misnomers” that others may call us who do not understand, such as “dry drunk.” On my worst day I was that and more and I need to keep that in mind.
it would be a good thing to get yourself into the al-anon program which would give you the skills to support yourself..not only does he recover but you are in recovery too from the problems associated from his alcoholism..your husband has a disease of the mind, body & spirit & has probably been sick for many years you can not expect him to fully recover from such a disease in 9 wks – it’s going to take time! he did not get sick in a day he will not get well in a day either. If he is not in the a.a. program perhaps you may suggest this to him to attend – the program works if he has the willingness..the a.a. program will help with these remaining “defects of character” which you refer to as “nonsense”..alanon will help you with your “defects of character” because nobody is perfect! (36y.o. recovering alchoholic – 2yrs)
Bill,
I recognize the behaviors you shared regarding “being a dry dunk” in myself. What do I do to change them?
I live with a dry drunk as well. He thinks that 1-2-3 go to meetings was enough and that was 9 years ago . Hasnt even done that in 9 yrs. I am so tired of walking on eggshells, being laughed and mocked at, having being told that I dont work a program (I do every day), that I dont “get it”, that I dont contribute enough etc… I feel very abused. It is hard to love someone with this affliction. I am losing my desire to be with him. I am sad all the time. Just needed to vent that somewhere.
As I didnt know my ex when he was drinking, I am unclear if it is this “Dry Drunk” syndrome that is at play here-He is currently prone to rash and impulsive behaviour with zero knowledge, awareness of anything or anyone that does not provide him with an immediate sense of personal gratification. It just turned into a complete nightmare-he revealed himself as utterly self absorbed, he was narcissistic to a pathological degree-his attempts to lie, cheat and manipulate at every available opportunity just seemed to SO belittle and belie the 12 step programme he currently followed. I just couldnt get my head around that. He was 3 yrs into his recovery programme(I think now that he really was 1 yr sober)and yet was unable to accept any degree of personal responsibility for his own thoughts, actions,feelings and behaviour. He was at times obsessed and obsessive about his therapy-but yet deeply unwilling to share any of his personal thoughts, discuss his emotions on the subject. He was very demanding and made every attempt to control and manipulate everyone and everything he encountered. He was very prone to throwing temper tantrums,He would fly into a rage at the slightest little thing-would shout and scream if he didnt get what he wanted. He was my boyfriend for just a few short weeks, months. I discovered in that time that he had cheated on me and more than once -within the first 2 weeks with an ex! I broke up with him eventually-once i realised that he really only cared about himself and his own needs. He had no conept of anyone or anything else other than in the initial period, our relationshi(he was OTT and I felt the need to caution him as to his unrealistic view and expectations of “us”- I advised that we should just take it 1 day at a time-see how we both feel at each and every step of the way-later i found out that he had been sleeping with his ex the entire time!!??!!)and his AA meetings and his counsellor friends. Three weeks in to the relationship He out of the blue announcedvia txt msg that he was breaking up with me- (despite a litany of preceeding txt’n msgs throughout that day professing his undying love for me!!) that he felt needed time alone-I was a little shocked and confused but accepted his decision-within 1 week, he rang and apologised to me-revealing that he had got back with his ex but it hadnt worked out so would I like to meet up with him???
I personally believe that people are much more than their actions-and I have always given people the benefit of the doubt. I dont believe my ex is a bad person-I just believe that he is without self control-he appears not to know his own mind and has little or no impulse control. i found his total lack of personal culpability, personal responsibility disconcerting-It disturbs me to think that someone who is a member of the AA and who is following the 12 step programme feels no personal sense of responsibility for his own thoughts, actions and behaviour. He all too readily dismissed and distanced himself from any and all personal responsibility in relation to the lies he repeatedly told me, he expected me to ignore his mis deeds entirely. He wasnt ever keen on discussion of any kind-he would just change the subject or try and cajole me through intimacy-or he would get v dark and brooding, becoming sullen before he would erupt in anger and leave the room before his anger imploded-he had a violent temper and was following an anger management programme. I had such admiration and respect for this guy because he had invested so much effort and commitment in his bid to turn his life around-i knew the recovery proccess could prove an un predictable roller coaster of a ride-and as such there would be intense moments-but i had no idea that the guy would behave in a manner that seemed so far removed from the recovery proccess he pursued.
What I needed to help me in my battle was a loved one to help. When I was single, I could get into bad habits easier. Once I realized I had someone who relied on me, it was easier to resist.
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A “dry drunk” is the evil curse that AA hardliners wish upon anyone that recovers outside of AA and has happy productive life.
The 12 steps aren’t the only path back to sanity.
I will admit that there are some people that have absolutely moral compass and nothing to live for. AA is the only way for them.
I just got out of a three year relationship with a DRY DRUNK. I could not understand his complusive nature, his HUGE EGO, his fights with everyone he came in contact with, the emotional hell he put me through for three years. I had heard the term long ago, but I thought that his finding GOD was as good as AA. I was WRONG. I would almost have preferred him drinking so I could have understood what was happening. I thought I was going insane. I turned to smoking some pot just to calm my nerves and that was a mistake too. He tried to blame me for his breaking up when all along I know it was his lies and his life that lead us to being apart. THANK GOD I got the point..if your living with a dry DRUNK get help..aSAp
I think those drunkards or who uses drugs also needs rehabilitation. It is not normal that you just quit on them so easily. So there is still something wrong. This will also help them forget the bad experience they had and can help them move on.